I’ve posted here before about dealing with grief, sadness etc following the end of our “journey” to have a child, and you all were so sympathetic, kind and wise. (Thank you!) In response to these types of posts there is always someone who says something along the lines of “it gets better” and of course I wanted that to be true, but on some level I always doubted it because my grief felt so endless and all consuming and unpredictable.

This weekend I saw some old friends I haven’t seem in years, and three brought their babies. I felt a little bit of sadness and wistfulness but compared to how I usually feel I was really ok. Even reflecting afterwards I was surprised by how ok I was feeling. Not numb, not in denial, still not ecstatic about how things worked out for me, but really ok. I am so grateful. I know it might feel different next time and my grief will likely continue to be unpredictable, but honestly it was like a reprieve, a welcome surprise, to not feel devastated/depressed etc.

I just wanted to share it in case there is someone else really deep in the dark pit right now, who feels like things will never feel lighter or more manageable. You don’t have to do anything differently, you don’t have to force yourself to feel better. One day, when you’re not expecting it, things won’t feel quite as painful as you’re expecting, and the breath you’re able to take will feel like the sweetest victory. Hang in there.

I might get absolutely dragged for this, but I need to know if anyone else feels the same way…. My Social media has been FLOODED with pregnancy loss posts today.

Candles, angel babies, tributes, the whole thing. And what really gets me is that every single person I’ve seen posting these things has living children. Not one person I’ve seen post has gone through IVF and come out the other side childless (I know this, confirmed)

Before anyone comes for me, I am NOT questioning anyone’s loss. I understand that a miscarriage is devastating whether you have zero children or five. I experienced one myself.

But I cannot wrap my head around the difference in our realities.

You get to grieve your loss while still having beautiful children to hold, raise, and tuck into bed every night. I spent YEARS going through IVF, putting my body, marriage, and mental health through hell, only to walk away with absolutely NOTHING. No baby. No motherhood. No happy ending.

And I’m sorry, but that is just not the same experience.

Maybe this makes me bitter, but I find some of these public displays of grief performative and attention-seeking. And being tagged in one of these posts by someone who knows my history genuinely sent me over the edge. Yeah I was tagged in a photo of a candle… ????

I’m not asking anyone to stop grieving. I’m not saying their babies didn’t matter. I’m saying that there is a very specific, isolating kind of grief that comes from infertility treatments failing and having no living children at the end of it.

You can grieve the child you lost while still experiencing motherhood. I’m grieving the child I lost AND the motherhood I never got to experience.

… I had no where to vent. this got me so upset. 😭

Hey everyone! I read on here quite a bit and finally decided to make a post. I am married and everyone around me (family included) is either married with kids or single. I still socialize with those that have kids but am quite tired of having quite literally no one who gets what me and my husband are going through. I’ve noticed moms that I am around have this attitude of “you think that’s hard? try being a mom” and it’s quite frustrating. I have to try not to be bitter towards these people because I do love them all but I have realized that IF is one of those things that people don’t want to be there for you for. I think it makes them uncomfortable? And before I say this I want to preface by saying mothers are amazing and make incredible sacrifices daily. But sometimes it’s hard not to feel like they will try and “out-victim” me. Like infertility is no biggie and their lives are SO much harder. And I’m not saying they are or aren’t. It’s just more so the lack of support and empathy I guess. I was having a conversation recently with one of my friends who has children, and I was telling her about how it’s very difficult to meet people who are going through what I am and her response was “yea how do you think I feel” and this made me kinda pissed ngl and I told her “you can walk down the street and see multiple people who are also moms” and this led into a whole discussion and her saying she knows multiple people who are going through what I am or have been through it. (I highly doubt that) and not to mention “have been through it” THIS ISNT PAST TENSE FOR ME I DONT WANNA HEAR “when it’s ur time sweetheart don’t stress🥰” ANYMORE🫠 she also made it a point to mention that EVERYTHING she did before she had kids was meaningless which honestly frustrated me so much because it feels like it’s implying that my life in meaningless bc I am childfree EDIT: I am not trying for kids/going through any treatment due to medical reasons. When I say “what I am currently going through” I am referring to being chilldfree after infertility which can still honestly be hard sometimes. That’s a big reason too why I feel as though I don’t find anyone in my situation bc most still are trying/ had a baby. but yea I think that’s my rant lol

It's the weekend! How's everyone doing? What are you up to? Use this thread as a place to chat through the weekend about anything off-topic.

Sunday was Children's Day in the country where I live, and it's pretty common for people here to post childhood photos and things like that during the week leading up to it. This year, the trend was to post an AI-generated picture of your child self standing next to your adult self, with both versions looking at each other affectionately, giving each other a high five, and so on.

So, on Friday at work, a coworker of mine (who knows nothing about my infertility journey) was making these pictures for everyone. He asked me to send him a childhood photo of myself and any recent photo of me as an adult. Honestly, it never even crossed my mind at the time what this might bring up for me emotionally. Anyway, he made it and sent it to me. The little girl in the picture didn't look exactly like me, but she looked so much like me that it felt like a photo of me with my imaginary four-year-old daughter. And seeing it was just surreal.

I'd never actually pictured what my future daughter or son might look like. But that image felt SO REAL. It was literally my little girl, with a face that looked so much like mine. I even started imagining her with her dad's eyes. The way we were looking at each other so affectionately, holding each other... I can't even describe what I felt when I saw that picture. I have never seen a child as beautiful and sweet as my imaginary little girl. And it ended up making me feel absolutely awful. I've been thinking about it for days now. I deleted the picture, but I can still remember the two of us together and her little face. It really reopened a wound that had finally started to feel a little less raw... sorry I just needed to get this off my chest...

I had to have an ultrasound last week due to possible fibroids.

In the lead up to the appointment it never once crossed my mind that I would find the experience upsetting in any way. The last time I had an ultrasound for anything was when I was 16 and had appendicitis.

But when I looked up at the screen and was met face to face with the image of my own (empty, obviously) uterus, honestly I lost it. I couldn't react in the moment and had to go straight to work after, but it's been a week and I can't get that picture out of my head, and suddenly today I can't stop crying.

I've never cared about any of those little "milestone" things that people talk about, sonograms, photos, baby showers, whatever. What I wanted was to be a mom.

It's just so unfair.

A good friend of mine is pregnant right now, and it hurts so much to know the difference between her most recent ultrasound and mine.

I don't know why this affected me so viscerally. It's the last thing I ever thought would make me upset. I guess it's the weight of yet another experience "everyone" gets to have, that I never will.

J'ai envie de couper les ponts avec ma tante, mais ca me fait de la peine,

pour le contexte : elle a un fils de 34 ans, et il vit avec elle, pas motivé pour travailler ou faire quoi que ce soit de sa vie, ma tante regrette de l'avoir eu, et elle est locataire de son appartement !

Et puis il y a moi, qui travaille, emploi stable, et j'ai acheté une maison avec mon homme, et je profite de la vie sans enfants après des années d'infertilité!

Je remarque qu'a chaque fois que je côtoie ma tante, elle me lance une pique sur ce que je n'aurais jamais, par exemple une fois fois elle est venue chez moi, le fils du voisin faisait une crise , ma tante se tourne vers moi et me dit "il pleure, il t'appelle maman" en plaisantant, sauf que je n'ai pas trouvé cela drôle ! elle m'avait aussi traité d'égoïste car je n'ai pas souhaité faire des examens médicaux pour l'infertilité !

je pense avoir atteint le point de non retour hier, j'ai appelé pour prendre des nouvelles, sachant qu'elle n'est pas en forme en ce moment, elle m'a dit ' je pensais que tu avais une bonne nouvelle à me dire", et elle m'a aussi dit "il te faudrait un héritier" auquel je lui ai répondu que je fais les choses pour moi, et quand je serais morte je me fiche de ce que deviendra mes affaires, vu que je serais morte ! je vis dans un pays ou les gens se soucient beaucoup de transmettre un héritage à quelqu'un quand ils mourront!

je vais donc arrêter de l'appeler, cette relation me coute ma santé mentale !

I posted here before about how to be happy for others and feeling guilty for the negative feelings. Despite the great comments and learning some self-compassion from that thread, I’m now in a situation where I was asked to be a godmother for a relative’s baby. And I feel like the biggest asshole that I’m just not overjoyed that they asked. I really don’t know what to do. My partner also invalidates all my feelings by saying I’m just jealous. I guess I am, or a part of me is, but it just feels awful he would say that.

Long-time lurker, finally able to post.

I won't get into my infertility creds but will say that like a lot of people here, way too much of my mental energy was taken up over the past 4 years with IVF. I'm one of those people who has a constant background hum reminding me of what I need to do that day, that week, that month, just cycling through them so I don't forget.

Now, a huge part of my mental landscape is just gone.

I'll be focusing on something and then suddenly my subconscious will get to that part of its ritual and it's like a gut punch all over again.

Given that things were looking very bleak for a long time, I was hoping that when the last negative test came I would feel lighter. I've been floored by how breathtakingly painful the finality has been. I know this is going to sound really melodramatic but there's a familiarity to this grief: learning that someone has died that maybe you didn't know super well, but they were young and you thought they'd always be there. That's the feeling my subconscious is pushing on me, to where it's trying to remember who died, until my conscious brain takes over.

I know this feeling will fade (and of course sneak back up from time to time). In the mean time trying to hold it together as I prep for a company offsite this coming week.

this piece gave me hope — don’t worry there’s no miracle baby at the end

It's the weekend! How's everyone doing? What are you up to? Use this thread as a place to chat through the weekend about anything off-topic.

Ugh. For a long time, people weren't asking, because I guess it was obvious by our lifestyle that we didn't. But we're in our 50s now, so we could theoretically have adult kids, and so I find I'm getting the question again. Which kicks up feelings I thought I had dealt with so long ago....

Content warning: this is a positive post including discussion about being happy in my marriage post-IF, a topic I know some in our community would want to avoid.

On with the post…

A lot of “fence-sitting” content is coming across my feed at the moment, and while I rarely weigh in, I feel like we have such an interesting message to give that community.

Not that the idea that one can simply “choose” to have kids is sometimes an illusion.

But more that there is no right answer.

I was never a fence-sitter. I 100% wanted kids. There was never any question. If my husband told me when we first got together that he didn’t want kids, I wouldn’t have married him (and probably vice versa).

And yet here I am - living pretty happily and contentedly in the life I didn’t choose. Thrilled to have this marriage we both envisaged would look different. Fully believing that my life isn’t better than it would have been with kids, nor is it worse - it’s just different.

I don’t think hearing stories like ours could and should materially change the amount of thought fence-sitters put into their decision. But it might reduce some of the agony that comes from desperately searching for “the right answer”. There rarely is a “right answer” for the paths we take in life - there are just consequences and lots of issues and joys we could never foresee.

I don’t really have anyone in my life to share this thought with, so I am sharing it with you! Does this resonate with anyone? Have you ever had a chat with a fence-sitter about your not-by-choice happy-enough ending?

Why is it always when I feel like I'm so beyond this, that another reality crashes down? I have fibriods and guess I have to remove myself from the Fibriod group and only view Hysterectomy posts. Someone shared their birth success after a myomectomy to remove the fibriods and it hit me. Even though I truly cannot imagine affording and having the energy for a child now, I still have this envy claw its way up from deep inside of me

Does anyone else feel like their infertility journey resulted in more losses than just not being able to have a baby? I lost my job, my friends, my therapist, and honestly, my sanity.

I go through my life mostly being ok about my situation not having kids, which i have pretty much accepted. But I do obviously still feel sad at times seeing friends and family with kids, particularly the one who says she never wanted kids and now seems blissfully happy 🙄 (it really would be so much easier to stay friends with her if she told me she hated it occasionally!!) Anyway I keep thinking to myself, well you could have gone further, you could have gone abroad etc. I still could. But I don't. And it's just quite a weird situation to be in to know theoretically you could do something to change your source of unhappiness, but not doing that. I know my reasons are a combination of factors that could also cause unhappiness (Age, stress of process, lack of certainty, expense etc) which all make sense. I think it's really hard to explain to other people why you wouldn't just do this, it's hard to explain to myself at times. I guess ultimately the desire isn't strong enough to put myself/us through it, but that doesn't mean the desire isn't there at all and that it doesn't hurt or make me feel sad at times. I think it's just a complicated thing to come to terms with when you know that you could have done more but you chose not to, and accepting your choice whilst also feeling sad about the loss of what could have been and what others have but you don't. I don't know if I'm explaining this well but if anyone else feels similarly I'd love to hear it :)

Hello folks. Hope you’re having a lovely weekend. I know this won’t be anything new for this sub, but I hope some can commiserate, and at the least be reminded you’re not alone in this same struggle.

A bit about our story. Over the last 3 years I’ve had 3 ectopic pregnancies, leaving me infertile. We were approved for IVF, but at the same time I found out I have a progressive inflammatory disease. So we made the decision not to have children.

It’s been a while now, and honestly… life feels really quite good. The grief hasn’t disappeared, and I don’t expect it to really ever. But I’m finding more and more joy every day. We’ve moved to a new city that I absolutely love, there’s an amazing sense of community, our neighbours are lovely, we’re making friends, and we’ve just got an absolutely gorgeous, sweet, loving puppy (very willing to share photos 🤣). I’m going to Egypt next month, we’re considering Tanzania for calving season in January, and I’ve got an exciting new job in the new year. I feel more joy and hope than I have in years, and I’m really so grateful.

What hasn’t changed, unfortunately, is other people’s opinions about our life. My MIL is the biggest example. I do have a lot of sympathy for her because she’s emotionally quite vulnerable and I know this is something she struggles with; she’s always been highly anxious and externalises it onto everyone else. But with that she also seems completely unable to stop herself saying things that are incredibly hurtful. We’ve had several serious sit-down conversations explaining how much it hurts us, how insensitive it is, and that what we need now is for people to support us in building and enjoying the life we have. It just doesn’t seem to sink in. For example: the last time we visited, the first moment we were alone she came out with ‘I just wish [husband] could have the one thing he wants’ and today, just as we were leaving and after a lovely weekend where the family met puppy: ‘I just worry about you both when you’re older and have no one, because blood is really everything’ and ‘don’t you think you’ll be lonely?’ And the old chestnut ‘who’s going to look after you?’ 🙃 The one saving grace is that we live five hours away. My (increasingly fading) best friend also managed to share ‘I just don’t see that anyone who doesn’t have children can ever know real love’.
Ma’am. Have you met my puppy? 🤣

Again I know none of this is anything novel for this sub, but I’d really love to hear others’ experiences with this and how you manage. I know we’re all trying so hard to build meaningful lives rather than constantly looking backwards at the ones we thought we’d have. For me it’s becoming increasingly frustrating that other people seem determined to remind me of what they think I’m missing. 

Love to hear your experiences.

(Also, I was removed from this sub a while back because we weren’t firmly in this place yet. I completely understand why, and I’m sorry again for that. We’re firmly here.)

TW - addiction, hysterectomy/cancer.

Hi there. 38 y.o. Female here looking for a female only infertility support group. I had a hysterectomy to avoid cancer when I was 30 and am still depressed at not having kids or getting my eggs frozen (no insurance coverage). I recently remarried an amazing man and am really struggling that we cannot have kids, because ours would be wonderful.

Additionally, I work with kids and sometimes am so triggered that I cannot go to work or connect with the parents I support. Some families think I cannot do my job because I am my age and childless.

Ideally, the group is associated with addiction prevention/mindful living or anxiety/depression recovery groups for women who value being good professionals/leaders, and not associated with a specific faith (agnostic medical scientist here).

Thank you

It's the weekend! How's everyone doing? What are you up to? Use this thread as a place to chat through the weekend about anything off-topic.

I posted recently about my, but more so my wife’s struggles with our recent end to fertility. Like I said then, I have always been able to see both paths and while I am still very sad about all of this (it’s been < 2 months) I have always been able to see the pros and cons to each side. My wife can not.

There was a post here recently about “dodging a bullet” and I doubt either one of us will ever see it that way, I know it’s always going to be sad and hard at times, but I’m curious to hear similar stories of not “dodging a bullet” but when things may have started clicking for you that there ARE pros to being childless. Like we’ve discussed travel for years but didnt get to much of it. I can see the financial and frankly mental health pros, for both of us. The freedom. I just wish she could see it, too, because even if she was still depressed, etc. at least there‘d be that but right now it’s just all bad thoughts.

My parents came down to see us this weekend. After a few days, my mom decided to start talking to me about their friends' new baby and how they struggled with infertility, but eventually had their son. I was annoyed, but people just talk about babies sometimes 🤷 not much I can do.

Mom: "they said you have to go to Costa Rica because the food is much better there and that health kick will get you pregnant. That's how they got pregnant."

Me: feeling a bit snippy now when people make suggestions like this "oh how long were they dealing with infertility?"

Mom: "I'm not sure"

Me: "it's been 8 years for us and nothing has worked, so we are no longer open to suggestions on what can help"

That shut her right up.

My life has been a lot more peaceful not being haunted anymore by the "what ifs" or "do thats". I'm proud of myself that I'm putting boundaries up nowadays and have put a full stop on these conversations. I feel that, in order to move on in a happy and healthy life, these "what ifs" cannot exist anymore, and I have to continue enjoying my IFchildfree life.

Just wanted to share a milestone I have been noticing in myself. I'm no longer upset in a debilitating way, I'm actually happy most days despite our struggle in the past. I want to keep that peace moving forward.

I thought I was super safe from this type of stuff on this show, but NOPE! Nothing is safe. I’ve been doing better (or so I thought), but surprise pregnancy/child themes are still hard for me, I guess.

I don’t now how to do the blocked out text for spoilers here on mobile, but can edit later or DM anyone who wants to know.

I am gearing myself up for a big family event on my husband’s side this coming weekend, and have strategized coping mechanisms with our therapist. However, we just heard that the guest list expanded, and that one of those relatives is pregnant and their mother is extremely excited to become a grandparent. Now we will be the only couple/ people attending without children. This is so hard to gear up to, as this side of the family is very pro-natal and life and gatherings revolve around children.

I’m 4+ years out of stopping my journey to conceive and love my life, but going back to a family group that values parenthood so strongly and don’t make space for other lifestyles throws off my confidence and causes my stress level to go sky high.

Looking for tips from those who have family dynamics that are similar and can offer some wisdom!

I have been reading this sub for about two years and it makes me feel seen and supported, even though I have never posted before. Thank you.

I’m feeling at a particularly low point this morning.

A few years ago, 2 months after the door closed on my hopes of having children, my therapist told me she was pregnant. I had also signed up for a yoga and therapy group and shared this situation with the therapist in the intake over the phone only to find out she was pregnant as well. It was painful to witness both of these pregnancies, and I could feel myself putting up an emotional wall with them.

My therapist, who I had been seeing for many years, ended up not coming back from her maternity leave. I started with a new therapist, who was great, but she recently left her position. It has been difficult for me to wrap my head around starting with someone new again.

Yesterday, I had my first session with a new therapist. I was telling her some of this background, and she told me she is pregnant. I appreciate that she told me early in the process so I could decide if this is not a good fit. The situation as a whole felt like a slap in the face though.

I don’t feel that I need a therapist who is childfree not by choice, but I do feel that someone who is pregnant or may become pregnant is not for me.

I’m feeling pretty discouraged right now. And sad.