I'm (HLF) going through my own therapy journey and I'm starting to resonate with the fearful avoidant attachment style. My algorithm sensed it and it's feeding me tons of therapy speak and attachment style content. Of course I take everything worth a grain of salt, and I recommend everyone else so the same when getting information from social media. BUT, I see parallels to the dismissive avoidant style in my partner. (LLM)

From what I understand, this is one of the most tumultuous combinations aside from being in a relationship with a narcissist partner. The more I hear, the more I can see these scenarios playing out in my relationship. This applies to all conflict, but specifically my feelings around sex and my perceived lack of effort or care coming from him.

What if this is an attachment and communication issue more than a libido issue? The more I reach for him, the more defensive he seems to get - and that doesn't just apply to sex! We are working through this, but it's so damn hard sometimes. Does this resonate with anyone else? I'm wondering how many of us are in this same dynamic, feeling like the problem half of the relationship who can't let their partner just be...when really we're both just triggering each other all the time. Maybe everybody just needs therapy.

If You Sexually Starve and Neglect Your Partner Who Tried To Work With You, You Killed The Relationship

Due to the amount of traction and support here, here's another clarifying post. It will be long due to me asking a lot of questions for the community.

Tl;dr is at the very bottom

Please spare me the "you aren't entitled to sex from your partner" or "that's manipulation/force" or "sex isn't a real need" or "so if i can't provide sex I'm not worthy of a relationship" or telling HLs to go heal insisting somehow we are not normal people and that telling Type2LLs to date other LLs is a problem or painting lack of sex as "we problem"

I'm just going to be blunt, man, the lack of self awareness and insistency that somehow its the HL fault for the deadbedroom happening and basically framing HLs as basically sex addicts for expecting a healthy consistent sex life in monogamous relationship LLs agree to is fascinating.

When the HL is sex starved and sexually neglected, they try books, podcasts, patience/being hands off, distracting themselves, looking for ways to lower libidio, lying to themselves, while at the same time desperately trying to balance the comforts and need of Type2LLs that REFUSE to actually care work with their partners and constantly goalpost move, strawman, and disqualify, and control the HL from a normal happy sex life.

Let's play a game, my HL friends. If you were ever asked one of the following below, keep a score, total it, and comment it.

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HLs, how many of you have toned down your sexual cravings and masked them because your partner literally was upset by them and says no mattee what its the "approach" or "too aggressive" or something?

How many of you are told by your partners during or after sex how amazing it was and how they need more finally thinking you fixed the deadbedroom and cracked the code for a sex life with them just for the deadbedroom to continue after?

How many of you would love sex 5+ days a week but are hoping for a once a week and told once a week is "a lot"?

How many of you have had vacations, holidays, birthdays, etc. ruined because you got led on and then rejected by it?

How many of you are told bullshit like "me washing your dish for you is me being affectionate," especially with shit you never care about nor asked for?

How many of you have had your partners admit they "aren't that person anymore" especially bringing up exes where they had a vibrant sex life but have "changed"?

How many of you have partners that will literally choose to regularly masturbate/watch porn over having a sex life and BLAME YOU for this or something?

How many of you have been told bullshit like "it starts outside of the bedroom", "accelerators / brakes" , "responsive desire" or "my love language isnt physical touch so i express my love differently but you have to express it in my love language?

How many of you are told they need an "emotional connection" and to "talk" and are told you ignore them and don't compilment them thus no sex but when you literally do STILL no sex and they say shit like "you want me to instantly change over night?

How many of you realize you dont even make out or magically now they hate kissing, or do they basically turn it around and say you aren't physically affectionate after they show no interest and reject you constantly?

How many of you dread "the talk" because you know arguing about sex isn't normal and even that doesn't somehow lead to sex after , when its hours upon hour of talking and goalpost moving from them?

How many of you notice they literally will prioritize and focus on everything but having a sex life with you?

How many of you get tired of being told, "What's wrong?" Because if you're honest, you know it will bring stress or an argument?

How many of you have been told "well sex doesn't destress me" are told somehow this is perfectly normal and healthy?

How many of you are told "maybe if you did x more than we'd have sex" as if you literally didn't try that and nothing changed?

How many of you were clearly bait and switched and are told bullshit like "with age sex slows down" when did slow down mean none?

How many of you are told you have to initiate, but 80-90% of the time its a form of rejection just for them to say this is normal?

How many of you are told bullshit like "it feels like you're acting rejecting me because you don't do x" or "if i don't wanna have sex, i don't wanna have it (and they literally masturbate/watch porn later)"?

How many of you were told you can't read their vague "hints" and missed a chance?

How many of you are told you're "pressuring them into/for sex" or you're a "sex addict" or told "we just had sex" or "why are you keeping track" or "saying you need x amout per week is saying you're entitled to my body" when its been several weeks, to months, to years?

How many of you were told "if its that important to you and the urge is strong, just go fuck someone else?" But they literally lose their shit at the option or HINT of this on some "you can't fuck me, but you can't fuck anyone else" policy?

How many of you were told "it's just sex" or "really over sex?"

How many of you are financially terrified, attached, or afraid of ruining your family?

How many you realized your single friends had more of a sex life than you or saw r/marriedsex and realized you would basically never get that?

For women how many of yall have gotten attention from men outside of your relationship, been SUPER direct with your partner, just for them to ignore your advances?

For women, how many of you have been told you're "lucky" because your partner doesn't "press" you for sex constantly?

For women, how many of you notice they will refuse to go the doctor or take a dick pill for ED but blame you for it or something?

How many of you realized why your partner's relationships failed was due to no sex and they basically lied about it to you to bait and switch?

How many of you realized even therapy couldn't help them?

How many of you realized your partner never showed any flirty sexual enthusiasm at all or it died and when you explained this to them you were blamed for it basically or told bullshit like "you just expect me to be all over you?"

How many of you during a sex argument were basically told by them "fine just put it in me then?" Knowing this was basically a guilt trap or catch 22?

How many of you notice around other people they basically lie and make it seem like they you are a healthy sexual couple?

How many of you in bed, eyes looking at the ceiling, damn near crying think you have to choose between basically a long term relationship and a sex life?

How many of you are told bullshit like "but i say i am attracted to you" but its literally just words?

How many you asked for like an open relationship and they lost their mind especially if in the past they told you "go fuck someone else"?

To know the solution and "nah that can come later, HLs need to be patient and accept this", basically.

Absolutely not.

And they are surprised many and "blindsided" when we fucking normal. It is NORMAL to have a high sexual appetite for your partner. It is normal to expect a sexual relationship from your partner on top of other needs. We are not sex addicts, and if we want to be sexually addicted to partners so fucking be it.

When we finally can/do leave and take matters in our hands, especially if we choose to seek a sex life outside of our relationship, we tried. All we did was try. We it was not a "both sides" issue, it was not a euphemism of "incompatibility". It was literally a case of one party literally gave it their all and the other party basically stonewalled, gaslit, rejected, argued, and refused and wanted us to basically find happiness in them without a sex life as if they aren't a package deal.

If you want someone to love you and give you enthusiasm for existing you can control. this is called a pet. Stop trying to paint healthy normal people as somehow making a big deal out of nothing. Date another LL (which you for lurkers somehow get very offended by).

Tl;dr - I’m tired of HLs being treated like sex addicts for wanting a normal, consistent sex life. I’ve tried communication, affection, patience, therapy, and changing my approach, only to face rejection and constantly moving goalposts.

This isn’t a sexual compatibility issue. It’s one person refusing to actually work on the relationship, blaming the HL, and essentially expecting them to accept having their sex life controlled or removed.

Not in a dead bedroom, but for the past six months my wife seem harder to bring to orgasm. She still does, but it takes longer to get her going. She's 58, so long past menopause, but that was never a factor since she on a great HRT regiment for years. For years, she has jogged 3 times a week and lifts twice, and eats healthy. She started using various GLP 1s about 3 years ago to take off the last stubborn 15 pounds. She did loose it on Wegovy early on, but then couldn't get it, she put back on some weight after getting off, then tried a few of the others, with no success. She's been on Zepbound starting about 6 months ago. Slowly, I noticed the change during sex. She became less vocal and took longer to finish.

We both thought she needed to change her HRT regiment, to the point where her Dr is going move her from oral estradiol to a patch. She's also on low dose testosterone. The symptoms got really noticeable starting this summer. I recently found out she's on a higher dose and just started to read up about the impact it can have on libido. By luck, her last shipment got delayed a week, so she missed a dose. Sunday morning was go time, and she back to her old self. It was a night a day difference. Almost shocking. I mentioned to her I thought it was Zepbound causing the issue and I think she now see's it, but is also in denial. She said she will get off it after the holidays.

I also found out yesterday, that her latest shipment was 15mg, which is the highest dose they have. We generally don't have sex during the week, so next Sunday will be the test. Frankly, I think the longer time to orgasm is the reason we don't have sex mid-week. We both work, and are kind of time constrained, so mid-week used to be a quickie. That's not possible anymore. One side effect high-dose Zepbound is vasoconstriction. I noticed a few weeks ago her clit wasn't very hard. There have been some studies done already on GLP 1 and libido, and there seems to be a slow building of understanding and acknowledgment from science, but it's going to take some years before it's widely understood and accepted.

I was wondering this today. Whenever you guys do have sex as rare as it can be, is it even worth the wait?

I’m a HLM and my wife used to be a HLF but due to medical reasons, work, our kids being 2 and 4, life, etc. We don’t had much time anymore sadly. Could range from once a week or once every two weeks. Sometimes more.

But, when we do have sex. It’s literally life changing, Earth shattering, flowers bloomingly amazing. It’s so damn good for both of us. She can get multiple orgasms via penetration fairly easy and I’m always having a good time. It’s not not often anymore.

I’m wondering if it’s the same for you guys. It would be unfortunate to hear even after waiting for weeks and months it’s just not good at all.

This is geared toward couples that have a somewhat mismatched libido but feel that it's workable.

I'm wondering what tactics/plans have made a difference in your relationship? I am considering the ideas of scheduling sex 1 night a week, and leaving the door open to more nights. My thought process is that if I, as the HL partner, know that for sure every friday we'll have sex, then I won't feel such a letdown other nights. Will this work? (**ideally I would schedule it 3 nights a week but I feel like that's too much to ask right away. Maybe I'm wrong about that and should just say exactly what I want?**)

There is a couple I know of that the wife is slightly higher libido and she's usually the initiator. Their routine is that when she's in the mood, she will take a moment to "show him" she's feeling sexy earlier in the evening- maybe she rubs his back a certain way or kisses him and grabs his butt, etc- she basically tells him without words that "hey i'm feeling like I want to have sex tonight" and then he has time to prepare, and maybe they end up having sex that night or maybe they don't. The idea is that there isn't an outright DENIAL of sex, so her feelings don't get hurt. He's also not feeling pressured to make an immediate choice because he has some time (an hour or two?) from the initial contact until bedtime where he can kind of get into the mood and be ready for sex, or if he's really not feeling it then he can be ready for some making out and snuggling or something like that.

Has anyone had success with something like that? Any other suggestions?

Our details: He's probably a once per week guy, and I'm higher but idk how high. 3? 5? 6? I've been the HL partner for about a year, and this is new to our dynamic. We have young kids, and my libido was in the trash for about 5 years due to that. About a year ago my hormones finally leveled back out and my sex drive returned, hallelujah! Pre-kids, we had sex 2-3 times a week. He usually initiated, and our libido was fairly well matched. Nowadays, I feel like I've had a sexual awakening (thank you, romance novels!) and I want to fuck alll theee timeeee. There's definitely a component of the fact that with young children we rarely get time to "be a couple" together, and having sex is one of the only times I feel close to my husband in that romantic way. I have told that to him. There is also a component that I am finally, in my mid thirties, confident enough to ask for what I want, be more open to things, etc, so the sex we have is WAY BETTER than it was before. I am so so grateful for that! And, the fact that our sex is so good makes me want it even more.

So there's multiple things at play here- I've had a sexual awakening and feel confident, it's more pleasurable for me so I want it more, and it's one of the only ways I feel close/romantic with my husband. This all leads to me wanting to have sex every day, him turning me down a lot, and then I'm sad and feel unfulfilled.

I know there's no "one cure" to get rid of all problems related to mismatched libidos, but I'm wondering if others have had success with implementing my idea above or if there are any other things I should try/consider. My goal is to figure out a way that I don't feel turned down all the time, and to figure out how he and I can communicate to each other when it's go time or not without hurt feelings.

A person sits their spouse down and says the following:

“I’ve come to the realization that sex is no longer important to me and that it will cease to be part of our relationship. Monogamy is important however — if you were to seek sex elsewhere it may put this relationship at risk and cause me to become jealous and I don’t want that.”

Of course it hasn’t, because it sounds absurd, hypocritical, and utterly selfish.

And I fully understand the impact of denial “we just had sex last….” Or assuming your partner feels a similar way.

And yet, this is often the end result of having “the talk”. One partner states sex is not important, except in the context of you having it with someone else.

Sometimes I think if I read more casual stories about HL/HL couples, I would have realized sooner how abnormal my situation was.

Anyway, tomorrow is my boyfriend's birthday and my daughter is at a sleepover tonight. I got dolled up today, and he's about to pick out what I wear and what he's going to do to me tonight. We're doing it later though because we have to finish our hobby projects first (we have the same hobby but different subgenres) so I will spend the next hour sanding a model in prep for its paint coat in lingerie while he messes with our new filaments. He's my best friend and I love every activity with him! We're going to take edibles, nerd out, bang, and eat Chinese food in our massive canopy bed that closes us into our own little world. We just changed from summer curtains (open top) to winter curtains (closed top) and it doubles as entertainment because the cats like to WWE fight on top of the canopy above us. I think I'm dreaming

I fought really hard and caused a lot of pain to achieve this life and I'd do it again. This bed is our small haven in this depressing timeline, and it recharges me enough to take on the world every single day. Please tell me there's more of you out there who made it! I love a good happy story

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B9Rm9uEcnwY

​

Drop a 🔔 below to ring the gong.

Why or why not? 29 yr old male. Generally middling looks wise.

I (40M) hinted at it last night; she (41F) said “sure”…I said no worries we can wait until you are more excited about it. She blamed IBS…Today I hinted again and she said “ok”…I came up and showered and she’s asleep. Shocker. Laying in bed hating life.

We've tipped absolutely into sexless marriage. We were borderline for a decade at least but now we've leapt right in there.

So I let it go for a few weeks. A few weeks becomes a few months. Distance grows. There is zero intimacy anywhere. No touches. No kisses. No hugs.

So you sit down to have the talk. And this somehow opens the door to everything you've been doing wrong. Weird that it wasn't mentioned at any point up to now. Only actually mentioned as some form of shell game after you outline your own needs.

Also sex isn't a need apparently. Sexless marriages are the norm going by her friends/this tik Tok reel. Why are tik tok reels submittable yet peer reviewed scientific papers showing the damage done are dismissed?

Anyway long story short... So I married a dismissive avoidant, then menopause hit. ​Now we're living single lives together. At least it's peaceful.

He lied. It's like a war zone on a daily basis.​

About 10 years before I, 45 HLM, met my current 48LLF girlfriend, she had an hysterectomy. From the very beginning of our 10 year LTR, sex wasn’t great for me. It was infrequent and not varied, not adventurous, not passionate. There were good explanations for that and I kept expecting that as issues were resolved, our sex life would improve.

Many of her personal issues were resolved. There have been some small improvements, but they are almost insignificant compared to the bigger picture.

I don’t want to force her to do things she doesn’t want to do; I want her to want me sexually as much as I want her. My approach has always been to be supportive; to try to understand things from her point of view; help where I can and try to find solutions.

I am also trying to find solutions to the significant difference in libido. I been reading a lot, searching on the Web, talking to her, suggesting things she or we could try. I know this is a classic for the HLs in mismatched libido relationships: I get the impression I’m investing a lot more effort to improve our sex life than she does.

Based on all my reading, I came up with the hypothesis that her hysterectomy might have thrown off her hormonal balance. I suggested to her to have it checked out and explained that HRT (Hormonal Replacement Therapy) is available if there was an issue there.

My GF is extremely risk adverse. Therefore, anticipating opposition due to an old questionable study, I also explained that the scientific consensus was now that HRT did not significantly increase cancer risks.

She didn’t have her hormones checked out.

Fast forward to about a year ago, she discovered she has ADHD. She consulted a specialized doctor who confirmed it with an official diagnosis. It explains a lot of her behaviour and difficulties. A few months ago, while reading about that ADHD, she stumbled on AuDHD (Autism + ADHD). Everything sticks. She checks so many boxes, that despite not having an official diagnostic for autism, we are both certain she has it too.

Since last year, many symptoms (difficulty concentrating, hyper-focus, executive function impairment) have skyrocketed. About 2 months ago, she read that it might be caused by the onset of menopause. What did she do: Go to her ADHD doctor who prescribed HRT. She started that treatment a few weeks ago. So far, I have seen no improvement to her libido.

What gets me, and the whole point of this post, is that she was willing to do HRT because of the impacts it had on her. She didn’t do it to improve our sex life and our relationship. It makes me mad. She says that I’m the best things that ever happened in her life. As I have written in many previous posts: I would like to be able to say the same. She says she loves me. I believe her. Why didn’t she at least get her hormones tested when I brought it up as a possible cause of her very low libido?

I felt so many negative emotions when I realized she did it for herself and not when it was for us/me. I still feel used. I don’t feel valued. It feels unfair. I’m still trying to process everything it means for me. I doesn’t make sense. My love and trust is challenged by hurt. What’s the point of offering support and doing things to help her if she doesn’t do the same for me?

After years of deadbedroom and sweeping the problem under the rug I had the most intense conversation with my wife about where are we going.

Do you know what she said to me. We are older now and I'm not really interested in sex😳 and I thought you were fine with this. I said I am not fine with this. I asked her to see a sex therapist and the answer was not interested. Really!

Do you love me. Yes with all my heart. Are you in love with me. Yes. So of course I am baffled at this point. So you just are not attracted to me? No how could you think that you are in great shape and handsome.

Ok, but you don't want to have intimacy. People it was almost like she was in denial that there was any real issue.

So I ask her what about an open marriage. Her response: I don't think I would be comfortable with that. Okay then what am I supposed to do about my high libido. Her: I don't know.

So guess what it very well may be girlfriend time for me too. I love my wife and she is perfect in every way but yes sex.

So good people of Reddit what do I do and what would you do? Thank you.

This is my original post ( https://www.reddit.com/r/HLCommunity/comments/1588oa6/leave_the_love_of_my_life_or_live_a_sexless/ ) - This is the 6 months update ( https://www.reddit.com/r/HLCommunity/comments/1af9gn3/6_months_later_update_after_leaving_the_love_of/).

Hi everyone, I wanted to make a quick update on the situation because I owe this community so much happiness and it helped me get out from what is doubltlessly the darkest period of my life.

To summarize it, I left my ex after 10 years of relationship (8 years DB), 3 years ago.

I have since remarried and I'm in a healthy relationship, from a communication perspective but also sexually. This is what I noticed:

1. The trauma take a VERY long time to leave. I was constantly expecting for the other shoe to drop, making it hard to just accept the happiness. I would always feel like sex will start to decrease, her desire would flutter and I will be miserable and in love again, stuck in the same loop. LUCKILY THIS NEVER HAPPENED. Of course my sex life went from almost daily to 3 times a week after 3 years of relationship, but it feels natural and I don't end up craving for more, I feel like we're aligned. And more importantly we're enthousiastic about each other, I never feel like I'm bothering her if I want her. She feels flattered and really happy to do it.
2. You can heal, but it take time. Some days, I would remininsce about the past and keep blaming msyelf about what I did or should I've done, but it's less and less and I can say that I could close that painful chapter of my life.
3. Being with someone sexually enthousiastic is night and day. If I could give an advice, it would be to ask and observe the libido of your partner when you're not there. Do they masturbate? Do they crave for you if you don't initiate? Of course I know male and female sexuality is different, but there should be a baseline. My wife can't get her hands off me and it's the best feeling.

So my conclusion would be the same as 2 years and half ago: the only thing I regret is that I didn't do it sooner. Of course it's hard when you have families, friends and feeling entangled, but you owe to yourself to not be miserable. I would 1 MILLION time rather be alone and single for the rest of my life than stuck in the sexless relationship that I was in. Best of luck to all and please don't despair! You'll get there.

I want to stay relatively vague for privacy's sake. I love my parter so so much, they're my best friend and we are romantically obsessed with each other. We've been together for a few years and done nonpenetrative things for a long time, but only started having actual sex within the last year or so. From the beginning there have been some issues with our mismatched libido that I don't particularly want to get into at the moment, but the strain on our relationship was relatively negligible. However, this issue has become more pronounced since we started having actual penetrative sex. We do it relatively often considering our distance from each other, but I can count on one hand the times I've finished in our whole relationship. Usually after no more than 4 or 5 minutes they say they want to be done and we debrief. I've asked all the questions, but from what I can get out of them, it's not that they don't enjoy the sex, it doesn't feel good, they're not attracted to me, they don't want it, or anything else like that, it's just kind of how they operate. Again, I can deal with that, but not too terribly long ago they started SSRIs as well, which have some nasty sexual side effects, and have dropped their libido significantly. They still try for me, which I cannot stress enough I appreciate and love them for, but it feels like its already becoming duty sex.

I want to clarify a few things here. One, I have only had sex once before our relationship, so I'm not coming at it from a place of "I know I can get more" or looking for ways to make them put out more or whatever. And once again, I love them with my whole heart, and I cannot picture a world where I leave them. We've talked about this issue before, and they know that I feel unsatisfied often, hence the last sentence of the previous paragraph. I have always considered myself a very patient person, but I can kind of feel it beginning to really fray, and I want to get ahead of it before it really becomes an issue for us, especially as we move towards marriage (hello, r/DeadBedrooms).

Please give me anything you've got. Anything that could help ease the frustration or change my mindset would really be appreciated.

My LLF is trying to rekindle things. I truly appreciate her effort, I love her dearly.

We are back to 2x a week (more or less scheduled), and just recently the first time we did penetrative in a year. She always gets off, every time she has a good time, so I truly will never comprehend why she doesn't want to have sex more if she gets off and recognizes how good it feels. It doesn't compute to me. Many women don't get men that can and will do that for them, they just penetrate them like animals and get upset their wives don't like it. I go through all the foreplay throughout the night, do all the positive 'helper' actions throughout the day. I am emotionally intelligent and considerate enough to never put pressure on her if I can help it. At least, for now, there's a better chance of things happening.. But how much of it is her doing this because I've communicated how dire our relationship is because my needs are not being met? She said "I want to do things more often too, we're just stressed." Which is true. Buying a house, getting engaged.... I am going through motions and I shouldnt have. I did these things thinking we would get better. But I was talking to a friend with a dead bedroom and it made me feel better off by comparison.

Still, she's trying. I'm happier, but now like a response my libido is kicking back up. I'm seeing her in well fitting jeans, dying inside knowing I can't do anything with her until tomorrow or at least tonight (God forbid we ever did anything until after 8pm. So much for her 'being naughty/sneaky' kink). The LL4Her and jacking off multiple times a day is still on the menu.

This is her really trying. I recognize it. Is it toxic to think I need more? I'm just ungrateful? If I never picked up my phone I'd never see that horny women exist. Comparison is the theft of joy. I used to imagine as a kid just fucking all day with my wife. In the kitchen, on vacation. I don't think I realized I was hyper sexual, that while it's normal to be horny, I guess it's not normal to want to have sex multiple times a day?

This is my worst nightmare. I got more and now all I want is even more, like some demon under my skin turning the knob to ensure my balls stay blue and sexual frustration high. Maybe if my partner wasn't so hot to me and desirable in terms of personality I wouldn't be so upset and would have left by now.

Am I doomed to this forever unless I want to destroy my strong relationship and have everything fall apart for me simply because of an idea that maybe something else is out there that will have sex more or would be ok with an open relationship? Can I chemically castrate myself? I hate this.

I was caught looking by her and now she gives me wry smiles whenever she sees me. A smile that is a mix of amusement, pity and something else. Whenever I see her, my chest gets tight and my tongue goes down my throat and gags me. What a pathetic mess I am.

For context, I go to an old gym - nothing fancy. All the people that go there are mostly like me - middle aged, married and trying to hang on to their bodies. Everyone belongs to somebody else - so sad. So stuck.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B9Rm9uEcnwY

​

Drop a 🔔 below to ring the gong.

Thought my last post would be the last in here. Just found out through a friend that my LL ex cheated on me multiple times, once with a guy that she had a gross age gap to. Dunno what to take away from this.

Hello, HL community.

For those of you who are withholding yourselves until you leave, honestly do you.

Please read this, and this is why I MANY of us outsource sex until we leave

If sex is glue, then removing it is glue remover.

Some of you know my (31F) relationship is really awful, and another argument happened today over something non sex related because my partner sometimes is unhinged at times.

As many of you know, im financially in a hole, and im in the transition of removing her from my house.

She started to say shit like I never did anything for her and her moving into my house for several months and not paying anything wasn't me helping her.

She also tried to say i lacked emotional intelligence after she literally screamed and yelled at me, unhinged (she's always this way over little things), and i quote

"You won’t speak to me or look at me for days at a time because I don’t give you sex. That’s really normal and not emotionally unintelligent at all."

I said, "And i dont care. Sex is not fucking event again i already gave up on it"

She said "There was nothing to give up on beloved, it was never happening "

She also said Im a "peripheral victim" until i "get what i want" but literally ignores all my wants and needs and denies i try with her while i constantly and i mean CONSTANTLY do her wants and needs.

But

Well well well.

She slipped up and admitted she has no intention of having a sex life with me and was basically was weaponizinf sex with weaponized compilance and tried to be cruel and said I didnt know how to have sex to belittle me (i very much do, i literally had sex with someone else two days prior).

Having my sexual frustration basically used against me lmao

Like I always say Type2LLs know the solution, they just HATE IT and try to paint us as not normal when we naturally become distant when they show us zero sexual interest and want them to be their pets.

So yes,

Im glad im already outsourcing sex while moving her out my house, im glad i didnt let my morals be used against me by someone that believes sexual needs come last or whatever in a relationship. Im glad i did no let someone control my fucking sex life who finally admitted yes they were basically looking to reject me while i constantly had to bend to their needs. Im glad i didnt fall for the "you're just as bad as her" nonsense. Im glad i stopped begging for sex and affection and stopped letting someone belittle me because they think "talking to them" is just letting them be casually unhinged and belittling and apologizing to the at the same time. I am glad i put my wants and needs first instead of running in cirlces feeling and depressed because someone who swore they're attracted to me verbally, thinks leading on and not having sex counts when a sex life was never a plan. Im glad i chose to be the "bad guy" regardless.

I need to get this off my chest and I will try to do it in the most respectful way possible despite being pretty miffed at the mischaracterization of it.

The "What's it like with an HL/HL relationship" reminded me about something that's been bothering me a long time.

Maybe it's because a lot of the mentions about Responsive Desire are from LL's who have little to no desire to begin with, and it's not something that they've regularly experienced. Essentially, they don't know what they're talking about.

Responsive Desire is not a slow burn throughout the day, finishing an addition on the house, doing the dishes, running a bath for your partner, all the while casually flirting to hope that your partner will be in the mood later on that night.

Responsive Desire is your partner getting turned on by you expressing desire. It may not be immediate, but it is quick, and noticeable. It is an enthusiastic response.

I don't think a single person complaining about a dead bedroom has a partner who has true responsive desire. And, come on, why would they complain? If their partner truly has responsive desire, the bedroom isn't dead. There's no question about whether or not their SO likes them because they respond enthusiastically much of the time!

So, in that vein, anyone asking someone suffering in a dead bedroom if their spouse might have 'responsive desire' is doing an outright disservice and absolutely not being supportive of a person in a dead bedroom.

One more thing:

Responsive Desire isn't the only desire someone has. They also have spontaneous desire. So they will initiate too, just not as often.

Again, no question for the higher libido person in the relationship if their partner is into them and while sex may not be as frequent as the higher libido person would like: they would never complain about things being dead.

These are terms that get thrown around a little carelessly.

It's an easy enough concept and it makes sense: things can get in the way of desire building in someone, while others can make it build.

However, what's ignored is that there has to be an underlying, base level of desire than can be affected by them.

They are brakes: something that slows down, but does not necessarily stop.

They are accelerators: something that speeds up, but not necessarily start from a standstill.

In other words, not stop and go.

Now, there can always be things that can make a partner just not able to have desire in a period of time. That's a given. We all understand that.

But, if there's a constant state of no desire: 'brakes and accelerators' can't do anything. There's no desire that can be affected in the first place. This happen in situations where the HL has to do a huge list of things so their partner can be in the mood.

When someone is in a dead bedroom, there's a lack of desire from their partner altogether.

Attempting to remove brakes is something that can certainly be done, and can make the partner feel better, the issue is that there's no desire being held back.

There's also no desire to increase. I mean, anything multiplied by zero is still zero.

You're dealing more with roadblocks than brakes. But, that's not a good analogy. The car just doesn't have an engine.

Also, this is vital:

It is not the sole responsibility of the one with greater desire to find and remove brakes and they are definitely not the only one who can find and apply accelerators.

In fact; If the partner is not wondering what's holding them back and seeing if they can work on it, and if they're not thinking about what could get them more in the mood: that is a good indicator the partner does not have any desire to begin with.

Many people in dead bedrooms are blinded by frustration and hurt. They don't necessarily forget, but they do lose focus on the fact that dead bedrooms are neither healthy nor normal.

In that way, it's easy to see, and great for an LL who is comfortable in a relationship with someone they have little desire for, why people keep forgetting that desire is a key component.

Do you have a fuck ton of sex every now and then, or is it controlled. How has that affected your daily life?

When I was with my ex, who also was a HL, we used to have a fuck ton of sex. Even became bold enough to do while we were on an active zoom meetings. Don't get me started on attending events lol; all I have to do is to grab her waist a bit tight and it's game over. Teasing literally everywhere without making it obvious to others.

We had our own code language and stuff. Life was good then.

EDIT: Thanks for sharing your fun stories lads, nice to hear something on the other side of the hallway.

Little update, I (29 HLF) ended things with my LLM end of August. Shockingly, he took things a lot "better" (if you can call more indifference better) than I expected. The 28th was our 9 yr anniversary and he actually was the one to sort of start the conversation before I got a chance to......by mumbling some shitty comment under his breath on his way out the door to work about "happy anniversary, but I haven't been happy this past year" (insert eyeroll) but hey, it's more effort than he's shown towards anything in I couldn't tell you how long. 

So long story short we ended up having a brief conversation before he went to work about where things are at (08/28 was officially 1 yr of nothing sexual), and I told him we could just finish talking about things on Sunday. Our conversation on Sunday ended up being pretty brief, he of course tried talking about how he thought we could work things out, amongst other platitudes. I just told him straight up that I had no interest in fixing things and I had nothing left to give to our relationship at this point, and that I had no trust or patience left for him. 

Oh yeah, and that time a couple years ago when he requested that I stop initiating, to take pressure off of both me and him? He doesn't remember that at all. When we had our first discussion on that Friday he tried saying some shit about how he misses sex too, but when I brought up his "rule" - total deer in the headlights. I could tell that was something that hadn't crossed his mind since the last time I checked in with him and asked if he still wanted to continue doing things that way. I checked in at 6 mos and 1 yr after he initially requested it. 

September is always an insanely stressful month for him at work, so he asked if we could hold off on discussing any major things until October, which is fine by me honestly.

So now I'm here, definitely feels like a massive weight off my chest and I'm feeling very excited about the future, but I'm still stuck in this limbo of being sooo ready to move on and start healing on my own, but I don't think I'll truly be able to do that until he's gone. Things have been pleasant between us, really just business as usual, but in a way that really stings. Everything over the years leading up to this point, all the emotion and grief and tears and now it's done and he's trying his best to seem like nothings different. And I'm still here just going through the motions, doing his laundry and scrubbing his shit stains out of our toilet lol.

Through both conversations he was very quiet, but I noticed his reasons for wanting to work things out were things like "this is where I want to be"/"I can't see myself being anywhere but here", no "I love you"s, nothing about ME or him wanting to be with ME, all his reasons were about his living situation. Which ya, I can't say I'm surprised but still, your partner of 9 yrs ends things and you cant muster even a single "I love you, I don't want to be without you" ?? At least he's honest I guess.

I think this would also be suitable for the lonely sub, but since HL and an above the roof sex drive is involved, I thought I'd just post it here.

Now just to make myself clear and to avoid any suspicious confusions. I'm not a sex addict or something and my mind is as clear as it is during the day and I'm not a pervert. But at night, idk folks things change, but that doesn't mean if someone communicates with me all I'll have to talk about is about sex. I can have standard decent conversations as well, but I'd prefer something that leads to hookup (when talking with women open to such discussions on the NSFW pages). I got a membership in a 24 hr gym and I've been camping in that almost everyday cos I hate coming back to an empty no action home (I'm single, and it's a hassle finding even a ONS or FWB in the same city). I love the gym, but I can't stay there until 2 am everyday lol. Being a HL single guy can be a bit of a pain lmao.

I've taken off nightclubs and bars out of the equation, as I'm not big into drinking and getting drunk. That leaves me with just one option - I'll have to force myself to adapt to something to get over this shitshow I'm on.

EDIT: It would've been convenient if there is a flair that says Venting and advice welcome lol. This was more of a vent, but my ears are open if you have something to say.