The bad:
-no friends ever after elementary school
-31 yrs old
-coping with music
-homebody for nearly a decade
-learning disability, incoherent, same vocabulary,unarticulated
-something wrong with my broca’s area, im slow, process slow
-very hypervigilant, always negative still.
-used to be on school probation
-10 years and going of social anxiety and depression, still currently taking antidepressants and seeing a psychologist.
-i am ugly

The good:
-going to school for nursing currently ( waiting for acceptance) prerequisite classes: 4.0
-want to socialize, no luck
-gym for 7 months consistent, still no confidence
-loyal over money, compassion,discipline,
-likes anime, chinese drama
-want to change, im tired of my old self
-investing in roth ira
-thinking about finishing a book, tried pride and prejudice but that was too difficult, need to another one
-stop biting my nails after nearly a decade( just started today this week)
- caring more about my hygiene this year

Am I ugly? Thanks for the feedback.

I've given so much of myself to her and have asked for nothing in return. It's all too recent for me to really put my thoughts into words but yeah, feeling really bad rn.

I'm 23 and we just moved to a different town together like 4 months ago. I'm scared of never seeing my cats again (we have 5 and only one of them is considered "mine" and the rest are considered "hers").

my dad is terminally ill and is only going to get worse and it's 6am and I'm sobbing because I love my dad and it's not fair

I'm a 6'6, 24 y/o 175 lb guy who used to weigh over 400 lbs. I've FINALLY reached my goal weight after two years of staying disciplined and using the hate and self loathing I had in my heart towards myself for fuel and I'm starting to notice how society treats me differently. I'm no longer the fat and jolly, happy go lucky guy that people around me were used to. I don't smile as often anymore. I self isolate a lot and I keep people at arm's length. The people who I expressed romantic interest in two years ago when I was a fat chud are starting to show interest in me. Now, while I understand why they didn't find me attractive back then, I seriously want them to go to hell. Why the f*ck are you trying to talk to me now?! I'm still the same guy from two years ago! I just look different. The insulting things people said to me when I was a fat guy ring throughout my mind everyday, 24/7. Sobbing and begging God every night to not wake me up the next morning so that I would have eternal peace from the constant torture of food being my vice and the persistent agonizing thorn in my side. The exhausting endless cycle of exorcism, restricting, binging and absorption. Exorcise. Absorb. Binge. Restrict. I'm burnt out. All of the life I've been denied of, having my first kiss, loosing my virginity, my first gf, etc., has passed its expiration date. All of the human life I've dreamt of and can finally take as mine doesn't even matter to me anymore. I will NEVER let myself become fat and morbidly obese again!!! I just needed to vent to get this all out of my system.

It drives me a little insane whenever I've expressed I have a problem with being hyperaware of how I'm perceived and the advice jumps to how to be more confident or how to be happy with what you have. But I don't care in a way that makes me insecure.

I'm engaged, I have tons of friends who I see regularly, I'm happy with the way I look, I live a really fulfilling life. I play tons of sports that I love, have a job I love, have regulars and coworkers who make my job great, I've spent my 20's working in the most amazing places around the world. I'm happy with the life I've made for myself. I don't need to be more confident.

I know I'm perceived well by people and I am hyperaware to keep it that way. I feel like I'm being myself, I'm happy with my personality and I'm stupid extroverted, but I'm still hyperaware about keeping it that way and that get exhausting.

I used to be a horrible alcoholic and stimulant addict, and I got the reputation of being the fun, never says no and down for anything friend. Now that I'm clean and mostly sober I've had my fill of partying and batshit insane stories, but someone just has to tell me I'm slowing down and I will get right back in the game. People like my energy and I don't want to lessen that.

I'm also a survivor of human trafficking so I have, as literally as possible, had to be desirable to survive. My worth is based so heavily in how I look. I've been sent that message since I was 12. I can't even exist around the house without making sure I am some form of attractive. I believe I am, but I also have a detrimental need to maintain that. That belief is tied so deeply with deep trauma that advice on how to just not care feels so elementary to me.

I don't know what the point of this vent is, I just feel so alone in the way my insecurity exists because when I express it people tell me that I don't need to be, that people love me and my life is great. I know they do and I know it is. Thats kind of the problem.

Hey everyone, I'm 19M, and my voice sounds like girls. People constantly make fun of me because of it, whether it's at college, family functions, or parties. It's gotten so bad that I've stopped attending social events and don't even feel like talking to anyone anymore.literally my life is hell...😭😭

Sometimes the stress gets so overwhelming that I have suicidal thoughts. I just want to feel confident and live a normal life without being judged for my voice.

Has anyone experienced this? Any genuine advice would mean a lot.

So yeah, like most regular Joe's my problem is with getting women's attention, however keeping their attention is also something that is quite difficult for me.

I'm a generally a quiet and chill guy and I while I know this is not ideal, I've been praised about it by decent amount of women so this can't be that bad of a thing right?

My bigger issue is that my social skills are not great. By that I mean I don't misread cues or have weird quirks. I'm definitely not autistic but I often times say or do things that put women off.

For example, last girl rejected me because I asked her a picture of her ex that cheated on her. I thought this was ok since the girl was obviously into me(gifted me things at dates and such). And I thought It's fine to ask more personal questions like that. Turns out you're not supposed to ask something like this.. But I never knew!

Other times I've asked a girl something about her dating history, or not compliment her on a date and this also bites me in my ass. I'm not the flirtatious type either.

The common pattern goes something like this: I go on a date. Fuck it up. Learn about my mistakes by self reflecting. Go on another date and I make a new mistake I wasn't aware existed.

All In all I think I'm just fucked when It comes to dating since I don't have a lot of relationship experience. Is there any advice this place would offer?

Long post ahead, I appreciate you taking the time to read in advance.

Where to begin. I’m 29 years old. Married my best friend and partner of the last 7 years last November. Found out in August she’s been having an affair since June. Prior to that she’d ask for an open relationship. We got married with the guarantee of monogamy and a shared goal of being parents some day. We have a nice home in a good school district in Southern California. We have worked hard and sacrificed for this future for years now and it’s taken its toll. I gave her space and honored her by truly thinking about opening the relationship despite having never thought of or considered it before. Ultimately after therapy and speaking to my best friend (who was also my best man) I came to the conclusion that I couldn’t do it. I want her to be happy but I know I’d be miserable watching her go out, date, and want to be intimate with other men. It also did nothing to contribute toward my own goals of fatherhood.

To add backstory, I’ve wanted kids my entire life. I want to give my future children the father I wish I had growing up. Didn’t drink at all until 22 because I was too afraid of becoming like my father who was an alcoholic and physically abusive to my mother as well as my brother and I up until he went to prison for his third strike. We found out once he was in prison he had bipolar disorder with manic episodes, obviously untreated up that point. To continue, anyone who knows me knows that I want to be a father and I’ve been very clear about my intentions with every partner I’ve had since middle school. No joke. During discussions of the open marriage, I asked her when I get what I want. She said maybe when I was 35 (she’s 3 years older) we can possibly adopt a child (specifically no babies) together. I knew marrying her that I may not get the chance to have biological children but she was worth it.

Without getting too wordy I betrayed my wife’s trust early in our relationship due to my own insecurities, mental health issues and validation seeking. I did not cheat but had what I would consider an emotional affair with a coworker. I have since let go of the people in my life that no longer serve me or my wife and our shared goals. I go to therapy weekly and speak with a psychiatrist monthly to manage my GAD, MDD and CPTSD. I’ve learned from my mistakes and did everything I could (she admitted to this too) to make up for it but I can’t force her to forgive me. She told me years later she never loved me the same after that and even reconsidered having my children. Not as punishment. She has her own baggage and untreated issues but I’m not here to drag her name through the mud. She was a wonderful partner up til then end and made me a better person.

We got married last year and planned to start trying at the end of this year, when her career was a bit more settled. Obviously that’s not happening anymore. To make a long story short she changed her mind. People change, it’s okay. I moved here to SoCal “for work” but I just wanted to be wherever she was. She became my home. My safe space. I began my nursing career in March of 2020, which was quite the intro to nursing and LA. She became my everything, which I understand now was a lot to put on someone. I lost myself during COVID like so many others. I made mistakes, almost took my own life, chased cheap thrills.

When I found out about her affair (one person, multiple times) I told her there was no going back. Since then, I’ve found myself so lost. Out of respect to my relationship I have kept my coworkers (who are majority female) at an arms length. Never having spent time with them outside of work or getting particular close to them at work. Suddenly my long commute in 405 traffic and extra overtime wasn’t worth it anymore. I’ve been on a LOA as we’ve navigated selling our home. I’ve done most of the repairs, painting, setting up cleanings and stagings, and handled all the disclosures and such. She’s still working full time. I moved everything I own by myself and helped her move to her new apartment. I’m currently staying in what I consider a survival space (considered cross-posting there) which is the unfinished remodeled home my mother bought in SoCal to be closer to us when we have children. I’m going to leave LA. I don’t like the heat, the traffic, the noise, the pollution. I’m very privileged and will be going back to my hometown in Northern California. The last place that felt like home. When I lost my wife I lost my safe space. I lost the only thing that ever felt like home. Our house began to mock me, neither one of us could afford it on our own. I’m still going to therapy weekly and keeping up with my medication regimen and talking to my psychiatrist. I went to a bar alone for the first time in my entire life last month and almost spilled my beer because I was trembling so much. I guess I’m just trying to learn to be alone. Something I thought I would never be again. I know it’ll be good for me but when you’re sitting alone in a place you don’t feel safe and go through your entire contact list with not a soul to reach out to that’s not your mom it can be a bit humbling. I’ve reached out to some old friends but I think I’m facing the consequences of my actions. I picked my wife and that life over most things which felt like the best thing for me to do at the time. I now feel like I’m in a prison of my own design. I have friends, I have my mom. I’m not curled up in the fetal position every night but I do find myself spending a lot of time wondering what to do with myself while I’m in the purgatory. I can’t move back up north until mid November, my house will go on the market next week, and I’m supposed to go back to work first week of November but I think I might go back only to put in my two weeks. I’ve thought about going back sooner now that the house is “done” but I know I wouldn’t be going back for the right reasons. It would just be something to do. That’s not fair to my patients or their families. I could go on and on about self-care, my survival space, my loss of interest in hobbies I love, and the lack of people who seem to have noticed my disappearance but I digress. Not sure what the point of this was, venting I suppose? I’ve never felt so alone before. The people I can reach out to have their own lives and I respect that and try not to harp on. I’m not in any immediate danger, I’m in good health, and I’m taking it one day at a time. Some days are easier than others.

I’ll be turning 30 this November and I certainly didn’t see it happening like this! Actually getting a bit of kick out of it haha. Thanks for those who kept reading, I truly appreciate it.

Hello , iam (21m) close to turning 22 and i commited reputation suicide about 4 years ago by posting weird and self-humilliating shit on social media for everyone to see because of a psychotic episode and just being young and dumb in general . Not only did i post weird and humillating shit but i also began harrasing many woman via Dms . I dont want to get into much detail besides of what ive just said . Timeskip to right now , i dont have any fucking friends . The only good think i have right now is my family , i have a good relationship with them because i dont smoke weed and do stuff like that anymore . But what good is that when my life is completely shit , i dont have a single fucking friend , never had a girlfriend , scared and afraid of going outside because when i go outside people recognize me from that shit i did 4 years ago and either stare weird at me , laught at me , stare at me with disgustness , take photos of me and in general they all fucking think iam a fucking miserable , sad and harasser clown ( i live in a small city so thats why ) . If you didnt think that was shitty enough , about a year ago , in a school i attended to , a girl commited suicide and now they blame it all on me , and not only many people hate me but they also want to actually cause me physical harm because of it , and end up intimidating me when i happen to find them in public places (mostly malls ) . Lets say i was kind of bullied when young and now iam a social freak that doesnt really know nor feels comfortable or confident when socializing with someone . Ive had a couple of opportunities of doing friends again and starting again but i just keep fucking it up it is actually funny ( is not i am fucking depressed and hopeless AF right now ) . Right now i dont really study anything but iam going to get a job on january so i hope that will keep me busy and i get to meet new people , just looking to start a new chapter in my life because the last 4 years of my life have been of COMPLETE ISOLATION and just being a fucking bum in my house doing nothing . God bless yall and i hope we can all find a reason to stay strong or something idk .

I’m 19 and I think my anxious attachment is fucking up everything.
I have never had a girlfriend and am really inexperienced
and also have social anxiety.

Whenever I start talking to a girl I like, I get way too invested way too fast.
I overanalyze every reply, every emoji, every time she talks to someone else. I have bad jealousy issues.

If she doesn’t text first I spiral.
If she takes a while to answer I start convincing myself she’s losing interest.

Even when things are going decently I still feel like I’m waiting for it to be taken away.
I know it’s exhaustingand I know it makes me harder to deal with. I keep telling myself I’ll handle it better next time and then the second I care about someone the same shit starts again.

I get jealous over nothing, I need constant little signs that she could like me romantically and any little sign that she could see me as a friend ruins me, and I hate how needy it makes me feel.
I’m so tired of this. I just want to like someone without my brain turning it into a constant threat. I want to be normal about this and I don’t know how. Any advice from people who actually got better at this would help because I feel like I’m stuck in the same loop and it’s draining the hell out of me.

I just want a girlfriend and to be loved.

NOT a cry moment other than DAMN PROUD of my daughter! Had a friend of hers who’s BF/baby daddy abusive 🫏 put hands on my daughter, grabbed her arm/shove her out of his way 😡😡 she pulled her knife she keeps on her! She is 23 and a woman at just under 5’ and maybe 120lbs soaking wet! I am a truck driver and away from home this weekend for trailer repairs… Mom called me saying she’s gonna need bail money 😂 and once she told me why, I didn’t care, Just told her don’t be too stupid 🤣 I messaged my daughter later instead of calling in case she was dealing with the police (which she called) or actually hurt… after a few hours, I told her I was proud of her for what she did! She didn’t say anything, but gave a heat reaction; that means a lot to me just because I know that is at least her way of actually responding… we don’t talk a lot, but I at least she knows I love her and thinks she knows I will do whatever I can/need to protect her

I’ve always had trouble saying no to people and saying things that I know will hurt people so I keep things inside and just try to do everything I can for everyone else and I’m so fucking tired. I got married to my wife because she had a schedule everything needed to fit and I couldn’t stand up for myself and say I don’t want that and I’ve been miserable since. I work stupid hours for no OT because “that’s to be expected when your salary” and I don’t ever complain to my bosses, my house is overrun with animals, we have 3 cats and 2 big ass dogs both of which were supposed to be service dogs for her but both have failed out and now she wants another one. I haven’t gotten to see my family in so long because I’m always running around for other people. I wouldnt mind as much if it was reciprocated in anyway by anyone but my wife just thinks i dont do enough and should get another job to fund her nonsense. I just want to feel wanted and loved and like what i do is noticed and appreciated.

I wanna remind myself with this post so I can stop torturing myself with all of this useless thoughts

She doesn't like you

She doesn't find you attractive

She has her own circle and you have no rights to control it

She has her OWN LIFE.

You get jealous for no reason when you see her talking with your male friends.

You hope that you are the subject of the topic, hope that she will notice you, hope that she will accept your invitation but she is not interested.

You kept scrolling through the old messages listening to her voice messages that you find cute, while she is just replying kindly as a friend the whole time.

You are just inducing copium and blind hope to yourself which is just pathetic considering you have some so much things to ponder to discover and to experience

You hate the negative thoughts but you find it impossible to get rid of it.

You hope things can go the way you wanted to ,able to hold her hands studying together listening her rants

You shouldnt have laugh at her for having a dark skin. To the point that she will joke with it. You know that shit hurts and you regreted it a lot.

You hate that you kept mentioning about your ex cuz in your mind it's a way of coping and a way of capturing other attention, but others just find you weird and annoying.

You told her about your ex and what's her thought on you? She thinks you are an immature little boy who hasn't moved on after a year.

You hope that you have shut your mouth and stop being a dumbass for the sake of attention.

You just wish to have a normal life. A life without all of this frustration and mind tormenting thoughts , you hope you aren't emotional and sensitive. You hope that you are the autistic classmates that live in his own bubble.

Or maybe you just hope she loves you back.

I (22M) have recently been facing some issues in my college with my batchmates. I had a friend (22M) who listened to me while i was going through shit whether it was my ex or while my family was going through my brother’s divorce. Over the past few months he has developed this shitty way of demeaning me and making fun of my looks, the way i was raised by my parents, my brother and he usually does that in front of people and i am 100% sure that he’s been bitching bout me behind my back.

Recently he has tried to befriend some old female friends of mine in college whom i dont talk to anymore because they used to make silly jokes about me and the moment i made one, one of them started to cry. The guy thinks that i am insecure that he is manipulating them against me and tbh i actually dont give a fuck.

So the problem arises 2 days back when he calls me and starts abusing the shit out of me on phone that nobody respects you in our class. Ill destroy you and all that bullshit. Tbh i dont feel the urge to fight but im saddened about the fact that im insecure bout myself whether ill be able to fight back or not.

I dont like to fight. I dont like to get angry. Whenever i get angry i end up being overwhelmed and it breaks me. I end up crying and i just don’t know what to do. Its been two days and im not able to even talk to my family. My parents are trying to make me understand to ignore this and all. My brother and best friend gave the “men” talk and it didnt work. My situationship listened to me through all this and shes been supportive but tells me to fight if situation arises. How do i get over this shitty self doubt and feel better?

I feel like I'm completely broken, defective, and having a full-blown identity crisis. I don't know who I am anymore.

I didn't grow up in extreme poverty or with parents abusing drugs, and I know life could always be worse, but my household was severely strict and emotionally and socially dead. My dad’s severe depression and mental illness dominated our home, making him controlling and verbally, mentally, emotionally, and at times physically abusive. My mom, my sister, and I survived by keeping our mouths shut and staying invisible. The house was dead silent unless something was an urgent necessity. When guests came over, my dad would just sit there awkward and silent while my mom and sister carried the entire conversation so things wouldn't feel weird.

I somehow worked hard enough to get into a good public college, but seeing everyone else be socially developed, easily make friends, go to classes together, hang afterwards, and enjoy summer breaks together made me feel like an alien who never belonged. I found solace in quiet and computer games to distract myself from the severe loneliness. Never felt like I had anyone in my life i could talk to or get close with. This impacted my romantic life heavily. Because I never got to date as my authentic self, I faked a persona on online dating sites. It was easier for me to cower behind a screen than look desperate in person and face rejection which my already crippled low self-esteem and self-confidence couldnt handle. I consider myself a painfully average to below-average looking guy, but I got lucky with amazing women somehow thru sheer dumb luck. The problem was, I had no idea how to form a real emotional bond. As soon as they got close, I’d panic, find stupid excuses like convincing myself they weren't attractive enough and run away before they could see the real "loser" I was and reject me first.

A few years ago, I met an amazing, kind, loving girl who genuinely cared about me. But I emotionally couldn't handle it. I broke her heart, and it still haunts me to this day. Months later, she even tried to stay friends with me because she valued our bond and saw the good in me, but I still managed to push her away with my actions (which i heavily regret rn). I want her even as a friend but i dont deserve a good soul like her. After her, I went into a reckless hoe phase to fill the void, chasing women and sleeping around, completely neglecting my studies and career. I treated women well on the surface - doing their groceries, fixing their appliances, listening to their trauma, being very supportive of them in everything but froze when it was my turn to connect emotionally. I would neber truly open up because I felt ashamed of who I was.

Eventually, karma hit me. It was as if the universe had ways of balancing itself. I fell madly in love with a woman who turned out to have childhood trauma like mine but more severe. Suddenly, I became what my past partners were to me, and she became what I was to them. Suddenly i was needy, desperate and clingy. My abandonment wound surfaced heavily. I would run to her at the drop of a hat, do everything for her and then some more, completely neglecting my needs and my self respect. I would voice when my needs werent met but when she never followed thru on it, i still stuck around just to settle for breadcrumbs like a pathetic loser. When I couldn't get the emotional closeness I craved, I panicked, spiraled into sleepless nights and severe depression, and ended up cheating on her and lying about it to fill the void i couldnt fill with her because I was terrified of abandonment and couldn't let go. She eventually found out and dumped me.

Now, after taking some time to recover, I’ve met another kind, supportive woman, but I'm terrified because I feel those same deeply rooted toxic patterns starting up again. On top of that, my dad is pressuring me to get married, using his 40+ years of severe depression, suicidal ideations, and declining health as a ticking clock to fulfill his duty as a father. But I’m making minimum wage, barely surviving solo, and feeling light-years behind in the career I once dreamed of because I lacked discipline and graduated with a terrible GPA. I feel like a total loser, carrying the heavy weight of all my regrets, and I desperately want to figure out how to stop these patterns, afford therapy, turn my life around, and atone for everything I've done to myself and to others. I know deep down I care about others but I run come time to bond on a deeper emotional intimacy while act like a stage 5 clinger when meeting someone who is a more severe version of me to me. I have no hopes anymore but im desperately looking to change and make something of my life. Ive hurt others a lot and after some recent reflections and heavy realizations, ive reached out and apologized to some but it's too late now.

Any advice is helpful. Ive never said this and feel pathetic for saying it as a grown man but to any men reading this, if you have any advice as a father to give to his son in this situation, what would you advise?

Im honestly j posting here to get it off my chest. Im 19 m and i haven’t had a single positive romantic experience with a girl. Ive never had a girl give the same amount of effort as i do, never had a gf, and almost all talking stage i have been with i have got played/lead on. Not even exaggerating. I honestly think a part of this is where i live, as i moved here my senior year of high school and Im currently a sophomore in college, and i haven’t made any real close connections. This includes close friends, all of mine live where i moved from. Im honestly considering just moving across the country i hate the way i feel. I miss feeling wanted i miss feeling accepted. I wish i j didn’t care about any of this stuff. And not even tryna sound cocky but i think I’m a pretty decent guy. Average or maybe slightly above average lookin, 5 10’, have over 25k saved at 19, have my own car, have hobbies, decently jacked, am nice, and focused on my future as i am pre-med. I always felt as if i had a hard a hard time socially but especially with women, i think i might be slightly neurodivergent or something. Nothing fills this void. I j wanted to get it off my chest sorry if this is a lil unorganized, advice would be greatly appreciated.

This is a copy and paste, i made the same post in another group but hey im m 20 from this US, to be honest i dont know what to expect to hear on here but i just wanna know how to accept that im going to die alone, i cant picture my future in my head, it feels like my only purpose was to help people in their lives and i did but everyone now grown and living their own life, i dont get calls anymore, i dont have any friends that i can laugh with, im lonely, everyday feels like its supposed to be the last, i put on a fake smile daily, idk i just needed to get this off my chest. Im not looking for sympathy or anything, im just tired of bottling up my emotions, i just want to cry but i cant, im a fucking loser

I lost the weight, but I still feel ugly. I've lost 183 pounds, and yet I still struggle to see myself as someone women could find attractive. No matter how much my body has changed, the way I see myself hasn't really caught up. I still feel like that same awkward, unattractive guy who takes up too much space, like my presence alone makes people uncomfortable. I thought losing the weight would help me feel more confident and comfortable in my own skin, but instead, I feel the same.

Hey All, I’ve got to break up with my girlfriend. We’ve been dating for a little under a year, ive wanted to have that conversation in person, but when ive tried I end up needing to emotionally regulate her until we move on from the topic. Ive never broken up with someone before, and Sending a break up text feels wrong, but I don’t know what else to do. Below is the message I intend to send in italics.

I’ve wanted to talk to you about this in person, because you mean a lot to me and I don’t want something this important to feel impersonal. I’ve struggled to find a way to have that conversation, though, and I don’t want to keep putting it off or leave important things unsaid. So I’m writing this down to make sure I can express myself clearly.
I think you’re great, and these last few months have been some of my best, but it’s time for our relationship to end. I feel that we’ve started to grow apart, and I’d rather be honest about that now than let things deteriorate and have us both get hurt more in the long run.
I know this may come as a shock, and I’m truly sorry for the hurt this causes.
I want to be clear that this isn’t because I think you’re a burden to me, or because of your health. That isn’t how I see you. You’re a wonderful person, and my life is brighter for having had you in it.
Thank you for everything and for the time we’ve shared. I genuinely wish you nothing but the best, and I’ll make sure anything of yours that I have gets returned to you.
With love and all my best,

​

I'm not good at anything I can't keep a girl I push away every one who loves me I been thought hell and back I'm honestly not ok I think about leaving everyday and night no one likes me so whats the point of being here

(If it gets worse I will call crisis)

Hello I’m (19m) dealing with many issues with jobs, college, family, risk of displacement, and recently I was broken up with of a girlfriend of 2 years. And loss of a friend

Thought I was doing okay despite the genuine pain I had a few waves of suicidal impulse at first after the break up but I’d call crisis each time until I felt less bad enough to trust myself to not do it again. I’ve been keeping in good touch with my friends and family and trying to improve myself but the pain is just so overwhelming it feels like I’m doing all my activities and hobbies on autopilot.

But tonight I’ve just been reflecting on it (and even drafting an apology for things I did that let to break up, we are both at fault but I want to take responsibility for my own actions because I feel genuine remorse, of course I pray she responds to it but she probably won’t and I’m ready for that) all and it’s like two halves of my brain have been hashing it out. One half wants to prove myself to get better without her and the other half thinks the trouble isn’t worth it at this point and that I fucked up too much and I’m better off dead.

I don’t want the thoughts it’s like a disease. I know all this is probably common things that are said but just because it’s common doesn’t mean it hurts less.

Context:- My girlfriend passed away in a car accident 2 years ago.(When we were in 9th) And like she was like an angel for my life.

Like, I've been thinking about this for days, especially since the day I found out that I have cancer. I keep feeling like I never deserved that relationship. She was such a good person and helped me through so many things that were wrong in my life. And then, one day, she just went away, leaving me behind with nothing.

Maybe God took her away because I didn't deserve the kind of love and care she gave me. Because the person I've turned out to be is nothing like the person she wanted me to become. I'm preparing for JEE, but my marks keep getting worse day by day. I've gained weight, and now I have cancer to deal with, too.I guess she was too good for a person like me.

I guess God knew what I would eventually become, and maybe that's why He did this to me.

I only came out of depression a few months ago, and I don't want to fall back into it. Maybe I am not the one that would be able to complete her dreams for her.Maybe I'm not the one who will be able to fulfil her dreams.

Ik I am overthinking too much , but idk what to do!

Like you could just reverse time and fix the things you did wrong? With all the things you’ve learned and are better about. Even if the end result was still the same but at least it was a better end than what you got. I’m honestly just venting and wishing at this point but I do hate being the bad guy in their story. I hate how I reacted to things when it came to finances and how I didn’t say thank you more. I hate that now I’m in this new relationship I’m doing all those things better now. sigh I hate that I’m not in their life anymore. We were good friends and now strangers… I can’t wait to stop feeling like this