Garold the tortoise A Strange Beginning to a Stranger Story
Garold the tortoise was precisely 7 inches long. He lived in a PetCo in New York City*.* One day, a Hollywood movie star came in. The Hollywood movie star said to the PetCo worker “I would like a tortoise please. And make sure it is precisely seven inches long”
The PetCo worker was a bit confused by this oddly specific request, but for the sake of good fiction, he said:
“How strange sir, we actually do have a turtle that is exactly seven inches long, I will get him right away”.
The worker ran to the back where they kept all of the animals with precise sizes. He searched through boxes, cages, enclosures and even a 2011 Toyota Camry, until he finally found the box in which they kept Garold the tortoise. He picked up Garold the tortoise from the box, and also, for the sake of good fiction, this PetCo worker had built up animosity towards Garold for no reason at all. I suppose the only reason would be that he hated tortoises, but that wasn’t highly likely either, since this was a PetCo worker named Geoff. And, as the bible suggests, PetCo workers named Geoff loved animals. However, PetCo workers named Jeff hate tortoises more than anything. I do not believe I have spelled the man’s name wrong, and this paragraph is getting needlessly longer, so I will end it here.
Geoff brought Garold to the front of the store, where the Hollywood movie star was still waiting. Geoff handed the tortoise to the Hollywood movie star. He said, “That will be one-hundred-and-seventy-dollars please”. The Hollywood movie star reluctantly handed over his due in the form of two slightly sticky hundred-dollar-bills. “Thank you for the tip, sir” said Geoff. The Hollywood movie star did not mean for Geoff to assume he was tipping him the extra thirty bucks he was owed. The Hollywood movie star wasn’t even aware that PetCo workers accepted tips. In the end, The Hollywood movie star just shrugged and began to walk away. But, before he left, he turned around and said:
“And one more thing, I am Matt Damon. Not only am I a Hollywood movie star, for I am also an acclaimed producer and director”.
Geoff felt a bit miffed. He wasn’t particularly fond of Matt Damon, mostly because of his character in Interstellar. He also felt that Matt Damon’s acclaimed work as a producer and director wasn’t exactly good. He made this clear to Mr. Damon.
Matt Damon left with a tortoise in a small bag, and a very bruised ego. He was also crying.
Matt Damon got onto his electric scooter and began to drive home to his apartment. He nearly hit and was hit by multiple elderly women. Matt Damon just smiled at them, though, and they melted into a ball of happiness. Old women thoroughly enjoy Matt Damon, and also feel that his acclaimed work as a producer and director is very good indeed.
Once Matt Damon arrived back at his apartment, he threw on some Mac & Cheese and began to sing Roar by Katy Perry in his underwear. Garold the tortoise could not sing, nor did he wear underwear, but if Garold had been blessed with a beautiful voice and wore undergarments, he still would not have joined Matt Damon in his strange half naked rendition.
To Matt Damon, this was completely ordinary. Singing Roar by Katy Perry in his underwear was a tradition Matt Damon had adopted ten years ago today. Every Tuesday at 5 PM exactly, He would undress and start the song. For this, Matt Damon had streamed Katy Perry’s Roar 522 times for this ritual and 5,982 times for fun.
I understand that I have painted Matt Damon as a very strange man in this story. I also understand what this story is about, and I understand that this story has essentially been completely about Matt Damon. And no, Matt Damon did not pay me to write this, because if he had paid me, his character would be much less strange. He would probably still sing Roar by Katy Perry in his underwear though, because this is a real thing Matt Damon does. Look it up. ………………..Okay, now you have looked it up. you now have discovered it is not a real thing he does, or maybe you have discovered it is a real thing Matt Damon does, which would be very troubling indeed.
I now see I have nearly reached the end of the story. Catch Garold the tortoise soon in:
Garold the tortoise Lost In New York