I just left my mother’s house, and my heartbeat is racing, my hands are trembling. I think it’s time for me to let go (again, for the final time).

In the last two months, I’ve (44M) have had two intense altercations with my mother (64F), which have brought me to such an intense rage that I’m screaming at the top of my lungs at her. Which is so unlike me as I’m normally very reserved and non-reactive.

Background: My mother is a Filipina immigrant. I found out several years ago that she has been sending money back to her family in the Philippines for over 40 years. While that in itself is not bad, the situation it has created has placed the burden on me for caring for her during that time. Where she has neglected caring for herself, I’ve been picking up the slack: paying for her rent, a year for her college, flights to the Philippines, a car (and repairs), paying for her fathers funeral. In total, I’ve spent $50k+ of money I didn’t have over a period of 10 years.

And not once did I ever throw it in her face, make her feel guilty, bring it up, ask her to pay me back. I’ve celebrated her in all her accomplishments, and been a vocal supporter. As her son, I felt a sort of obligation as payment for her raising me as a single immigrant mother.

I’m interested to know if there are other children of immigrants (doesn’t have to be Asian, but there is a strong expectation of duty in Asian cultures to care for your parents as a moral obligation and familial duty) who have successfully cut ties.

How’d it go? How’d you do it? Any advice? Did you communicate why? Or just quit cold turkey?

Hi all. This is my first reddit post, please forgive me if I have posted this in the wrong community. If so, Id love advice on where to appropriately post this.

Honestly I am seeking advice. I dont want to hate my mom but I feel like she leaves me no choice. I strongly consider going NC or LC with my household but I want that to be my last resort.

For context i am 27F living with both parents, an older sister and younger brother. I lived away from home for 2 years, which my parents funded since it was for grad school (more on that later). Since then Ive been back home so about 4 years now. I did not want to move back here but life is expensive.

My siblings have and have always had a better relationship with both parents than I do. Unfortunately if they werent my parents they would not be my friends. I think my parents and i are just fundamentally different plus many of their habits and traits genuinely annoy or insult me to my core. They are both immigrants and christian so understand that they believe in God, Gender roles, pro-life leaning, etc. (I believe they vote democrat though)

I think my parents are great parents in the sense that they took me to school, i always had food and a roof, never lacked in any necessities. My mother has done a great job of teaching us financial things, how to manage money, and has allowed me to live here rent free so I have a decent savings for my age. Etc etc.

However the issues lie in social matters

My mother is controlling.
- Despite my age I still have to tell her where I am going BEFORE I head out.
- If I dare leave the house without warning her, she becomes angry and will spam call me until I answer.
- If i do not answer any phone calls from her she likely becomes angry. Once i return her calls (i always do) she seethes over the fact that her call couldve been an emergency and “she could’ve been dead”.
- i must intermittently text her if im away from home ti let her know I am alive
- I cannot attend any appointments (dentist, doctor, even the mechanic) I make without her. ((i have snuck away to these in the past and continue to do so))
- must have my location at all times
- opens my mail/packages from time to time
- believes I should present her with all belongings I purchase for myself ESPECIALLY clothes (i should return anything she doesn’t like)
- is generally angry towards the fact that i have a social life and i am “rarely home”
- etc etc

she is rude:
- she does not speak to me in a way that I would ever speak to someone I want to be friends with
- she never asks me anything about me, does not know me well
- rarely says excuse me, thank you, or anything regarding basic manners (god forbid i did that to her)
- never knocks, i do not have personal space or privacy here
- if she is speaking to me i must usually drop whatever has my attention and listen
- insults my appearance daily (more on that)
- terrible table manners, chews loudly and excessively (makes me NEVER eat with her or be around her when she is eating, she knows it is a serious per peeve of mine yet wont stop)
- purposefully stomps throughout the 2nd story of the house

my mother is homophobic:
- I am a proud lesbian/stud and they hate it. My mom is very vocal about my presentation and insults me daily from the way I dress, to the way I walk, even sit because it is all masculine. She even points to bummy old men on the street and say “you look just like him”. Ive told her enough times already that all this does is hurt my feelings + she needs to get over it. (And no I dont look like bummy old men, I have a nice style according to the ladies).
- She has forced me to wear feminine clothes to work (successfully fear mongered me years ago)
- tries to control my social media (has asked me to remove any lgbtq content from my page)
- is afraid family members will “find out”
- believes that allowing me to stay in her house despite my sexuality means she is “accepting”
- my siblings do not stick up for me in anyway when it comes to her homophobia/insults

on the note of grad school:
i applied to 5 phd programs but only was accepted to my top school. It also happened to be the most expensive unfortunately. She agreed to pay tuition and living so long that I got my degree of course. Unfortunately I did not attain that degree and left school with my masters. I do not regret that decision for a second, I think it saved my life. I have a strong educational background and career.

However, almost daily she brings it up that I went to California “for absolutely nothing” and it was all a “waste of time and energy”. She belittles my masters degree into a non-achievement because its not a PHD. She feels as if She wasted her time and money on me. She alleges she wouldnt have done that for my siblings. To that I say my siblings didnt apply for phd programs, nor would they ever.

She also, on almost a weekly basis, take digs at me that I now owe her back pay. She wont make a clear conversation as to what and how much. Id be happy to pay my parents back but unfortunately I do not have much to say to her digs (example when I decline something from her; “I shouldve said ‘No’ to sending you to school”) and would like for her to simply have an adult conversation about monies owed.

She tends to remind me that I should know that my living there was all funded by my dad, who works a overseas, and I should be thankful that “he stood all those hours on his back”, and that I should be nicer to him (i have separate issues with him). Its all guilt tripping. She makes me regret going through graduate school honestly. I wish I hadnt tried for the PhD.

…
To avoid making this post excessively long I am not going to list all things about my mother. I do love her but I cannot stand her as a person. Despite her raising me “right”, i do not see her as my friend. I cannot tell her things. I have a hard time telling her the things that bother me because in the past she either blows up and/or throws them in my face. I see her as an obstacle in having a colorful fruitful life sometimes. Even the sound of her getting out of the bed in the morning drains me.

I am basically seeking help in NOT going NC or LC. i want to know if there is anyway to salvage/repair this relationship. I am in therapy, and our focus is how to manage my emotions as it comes to my mother and better communication skills. Please help me

My parents all family abondonend me... totally i am living in unknown city where k do t know anyone...all faces are like they want something from me...i dont know its because of trauma or what but yup they are unknown for me and i am unknown for them so...i feel insecure...there is no one...ok m doing my degree its last semester...i have all things books table kitchen livin' place...but.....if ll get ill there is no one who ll message me hey you are ok u ate something u are doing well...i am not desperate i am living more than years all alone...but i dont know whats wrong but i dont feel like home...i dont ...i had a gf to whom i was close shared things she left me too...

U faced this situation what u did..and whats going wrong i dont understand...

Hi, I am a really worried and upset right now and need someone to talk to and could really use some outside perspective.

My dad is currently at home awaiting a major quadruple bypass surgery. My mother is a severe high conflict, controlling person, and she has made it extremely hard to contact my dad or even let just have some time alone with him. She takes his phone and uses it to abuse me and my dad allows it because he's scared to stand up to her (in fact everyone is because she kicks off) and intercepts any attempt to communicate with him.

Because of this, I haven't been able to talk to him directly. Every time I try to find a safe way through like asking a neutral family member to help my mother intercepts it, twists my words, and uses them to attack me or make me look like I'm the problem.

Recently, she took a text I sent months ago saying that I loved and cared about my dad and wanted to have a relationship just me and him and that the door is always open for him and she completely reversed it to claim I am the one refusing to see him and putting the burden on me and saying that no the ball is in my court and using my exact words back at me. She is also contacting other family members to make me out to be an hysterical liar and claiming I'm unstable and not in the right headspace. Although she's the other that has all her kids wanting nothing to do with her.

To top it all off she has escalated to crossing our physical boundaries by sending letters directly to me and my partner at our home, triggering intense panic attacks for both of us every time the front door goes. She's been blocked by all my partners family members because she was nasty and abusive to them just because they protected me and wouldn't let her get at me and abuse me.

I am paralyzed by guilt because I just want my dad to know I love him before his surgery, but any move I make gets turned into a weapon against me by her. I am experiencing physical chest pain from the stress and pain up my left arm.

How do you deal with this and protect your own mental health when an abusive parent controls your sick dad, uses his and hers health against you and tries to make herself look innocent. I feel like I'm being punished for trying to care? I blame myself because that's how she's made feel my whole life.

This is meant to be about my father and his health. All I asked for was to see my dad privately or to be able to have a phone call just me and him but she will not allow it and kicks off. My brother is scared of her and will not pass any messages on and I feel stuck. It feels like it's either walk back in so I can see my dad but risk being attacked by her restlessly or real away but then I don't get to see my dad.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm so scared and angry and upset.

Any advice or kind words would mean the world right now.

I ignored my mother's 75th birthday on Wednesday. Well, surprise (not). She emailed me today. That broke our longest stretch of NC. The email subject though is my daughter's name. She asked about her, then me like an afterthought. Says she thinks about us and it's signed "love always." 🙄 I have not responded.

I am constantly pulled between empathy and anger regarding my mother and grandmother because of their circumstances that directly contributed to their poor parenting (my grandma helped my mom raise me, so I only consider them two to be my parents).
My grandmother had my mom when she was 11. She got pregnant at 10. Not willingly. However, this was in Alabama so getting rid of the pregnancy was not even remotely considered. Neither was adoption.
And as expected, she was a horrible mother. By the time she became a teen/young adult and wanted to do the wild, impulsive things that teens and young adults do, she did them…with my mother in tow and witnessing or being directly harmed by her actions or those around her.
By the time she was 27, she was a grandmother herself because my mother got pregnant at 16 with my older brother and then me at 19.
I sit back and I think to myself, how could I have expected either one of them to be well-adjusted parents in such circumstances. Of course as a child I didn’t know these things. All I knew was that mom and grandma were hurting me a lot.
But now, I feel a lot if empathy for them. And I look back on painful memories and consider the ages they were within those memories.
Then I feel anger because regardless, I deserved good parents. So then I think…should I be mad at them? Mad at their circumstances? Mad at the adults around them who let these things happen?
I’m not sure.

My story is very long and involves toxic family on both sides so I won’t get into everything.
The thing from my side was my alcoholic, emotionally and verbally abusive father, who my husband told to get lost in December 2020 (my oldest daughters first Xmas), which was freedom and a mental load lifted. With my mother, stepdad and brother I had a very loving stable family.

My husbands whole immediate family however, are toxic as hell. Alcoholic father, who died December 2024. Bipolar, emotionally and verbally abusive mother. They had a cycle of fighting, father getting drunk, being thrown out of house for days or weeks, coming back at night to bang on doors and windows, mother calling police. It scaled back during COVID but cycles still happened at times.

Husbands brother, this year, admitted (or rather was found out) to be a drug addict and marriage broke down. His wife has a non molestation order against him to keep him away and he can’t see his kids until he does a court drug test which he refuses. The brother, although we have all tried to help him in certain ways, has been emotionally and verbally abusive for months to my husband and 3 weeks ago he physically assaulted him. My husband didn’t press charges out of respect for his mother and fear of repercussions from her as she is very vindictive (latest item being she made a false claim of assault about the brothers ex wife).

My husband has been in denial for years about the impact his family have on us.
We told his mother we want nothing to do with the brother now, as my 6 year old heard him shout at me on the phone and seen her dad’s face and is now afraid of the man.
His mother has crossed the boundaries of not mentioning him, expecting us to get documents from his ex wife’s house for him and becoming dry and angry when told no.

Just tonight, she sat in my home, not engaging with my kids, making up lies, being dry, having the brother on loudspeaker who said that I needed to get off my ‘fat hole and do something for someone else,’ expecting me to bring birthday gifts for his son to his ex sister in laws home. I didn’t do it.

What I want to know is, I feel like I cannot tolerate his mother around me or bring my kids up to think what his family do and how they act is normal, my husband has deep rooted issues due to the way they were brought up. How can this be approached with him? And how can it be done with the mother in law? She is not a nice person. Lots and lots more to this story. But how can things be done in a way to prevent retaliation by the MIL and/or brother?
I feel at a loss and like I am trapped back in the days of being verbally and emotionally abused by my ‘dad,’

Why not send me flowers and chocolate on my "birthday". Correction: the day after my birthday.

I just need to vent about this.

Why not, after I told her, before I went NC, that continuing to contact someone after they cut ties is stalking, to me. Why not flowers and chocolate – the two things I absolutely can not enjoy, because I have MCAS. But she didn't believe in any of that, so why would she care.

Why not send a card that says "a kiss through a letterbox", even though every time I have a crush on another woman, I can still feel her hands, hear her words, and I have to retreat. Even though it's caused me to struggle with my bisexuality for decades. Flashbacks because of her covert incest, but who cares, who cares.

It's so fucking creepy. She treated me like her partner when she didn't have one. Slept in my bed. I don't want to go into more details. But to send this, after all of that... I don't know why I'm surprised. Of course she would.

A few months ago she tried to contact me. I ignored her texts and calls, and then made sure I'd blocked her number.

Her voicemail is still there, which means I may never listen to any voicemail ever again.

Again: I don't know why I was surprised then, or why I'm surprised now.

But I guess she abandoned me enough, gave me the silent treatment often enough and was clearly disinterested in being a mother my whole life. She also very clearly hated me. So I figured it wouldn't be so hard to lose me. But of course: that abandonment and hate was on her terms. It was punishment. So that felt good, for her.

So she's probably decided that this is me punishing her. Not understanding that unlike her, I don't treat people like that. I don't get joy from hurting people. I don't cut ties to hurt you, to make you beg, to get something from you. It's a choice I made for me, with no other agenda.

This is exactly why I decided not to celebrate it, yesterday. Why I've decided to pick a random different date to do that. Because she always tried to ruin my birthday.

I don't remember a single birthday she didn't try to make about her. She literally planned to ruin a lot of them. And in a way this is validating. Yup, this is what she does, this is why I still feel like shit on my birthday. Why I'm so full of dread.

And dealing with those memories and processing that is hard enough. But I've actually been grateful that I've felt safe enough to do that.

This is so incredibly triggering. It makes me feel like it hasn't ended. Eventually that passes, but I don't want to feel that way for even a second.

Part of me thinks she actually believes I'll come back again. Which is almost funny. I'd literally rather die. It'll never happen. So all these attempts are just her wasting her energy and time.

I now feel like I should've sent it back? But after receiving mail from her a few months ago and reading it that time, I got so instantly angry this time, and wanted to make sure I wouldn't read it or even see what kind of flowers or chocolate it was, that I started ripping everything up and immediately threw it all into the trash.

I know I'm going to move eventually, and that helps my mental health a lot. Someone here said they can always find where you live, or something – well, not in this country, unless you're doing it in a very illegal way. And my mother isn't smart enough to figure that out. Or you could just follow someone home, I guess. But she doesn't know anything about me anymore, so she'd have nowhere to follow me home from.

So that's very comforting. This will end. It's just hard to deal with it now.

And I'm just angry that I've had to waste time and energy on this. Because it still remains something to process. And I'm chronically ill, and I work hard to avoid stress, and a little bit of it can affect me in a big way.

So now I have to rest because of this, and that pisses me off. She stole so many years from me. It probably contributed to becoming ill. And the fact that it's still happening... no words. Nothing accurately describes how unfair that is. How furious it makes me.

Oof, breathe. I'll move, and until then, maybe I can see these moments as opportunities to cathartically destroy stuff. That's putting a very positive spin on it, though.

My father has always been financially generous, but I’ve never really experienced him as a “father.” I feel more like I’m managing a capricious child, and my brothers feel the same way (I’m 27F).

Since childhood, he repeatedly ignored my physical boundaries: pushing me, flicking my ears, pinching my buttocks after I asked him to stop, and cutting my toenails so short they bled. When I was little, he had a “game” where he pressed my belly button with a finger while holding me on his knees with the other arm. I was terrified but laughed mechanically because the tickling was huge, and once I was so desperate for him to stop that I urinated on him.

Another time, he kept elbowing me painfully until I fell off my chair and burst into tears, in spite of a friend sleeping over and witnessing everything.

More recently, during a stay at my flat, he ignored my house rules, left cigarette butts in my bed, used my flatmate’s towel without permission, and left underwear covered in diarrhoea in my floor-cleaning bucket in the kitchen. When I confronted him, he told me not to take everything so seriously. His behaviour also caused problems with my flatmate and the tenants.

He expects me to answer his calls whether I’m working, at the gym, or busy, and gets irritated if I don’t. A few months ago, he shouted “SHUT THE FUCK UP” at me in front of my 93-year-old grandmother when I calmly pointed out that he was getting angry.

I’m now four months into my first serious relationship, with a wonderful man who is nothing like my father. Yet certain kinds of touch in certain areas immediately make me uncomfortable. I’m also very organised and need to feel in control; when things become unpredictable, I can feel almost panicky. Around my father, I’m constantly on guard, anticipating problems and managing the consequences of his behaviour. I dread spending time with him, but feel guilty because he has given me so much financially (vacations, gifts, tuition...)

Is it normal to not really want a relationship with my father, despite his financial generosity? Could my childhood experiences explain my discomfort with touch, my need for control, and why I feel so exhausted around him?

Hi. Im a 31 year old person. I went no contact around 2016/2017. Family death will be mentioned later sorry. My "running away" from home is a whole story ill skip on.

But The only person id talk to from my family woukd be my grandmother. I refused to talk to my parents due to physical and emotional abuse from both of them. She supported me while I got my footing and understood why I went no contact. We would talk nearly every day either through phone calls or text messages.

My grandma passed away this September and while i have no regrets, my father was the one who took over when she was in the hospital and made it so i couldnt talk to her or get to say goodbye. Ive felt so lost since then, and feel fully alone. Ive already felt isolated due to the complicated family issues. It hit me hard on how different my life is without her. No birthday cards, holidays greetings , nothing.

So my therapist suggested that finding community when I talked about this feeling of isolation.. so i guess thats why im here. How do you get through those times? The holidays, or when others talk about spending time with family? Any advice or shared stories would be appreciated , sorry if this isnt the right place. Im just kinda lost in general right now and unsure what to do

I think I’ve figured out my mental hangup with going completely NC with my parents. The majority of the abuse in my relationship with my parents is emotional. There were rare instances of physical abuse and neglect, but the “harm” really stems from the emotional abuse. (Skip to the last 2 paragraphs if the background on my personal situation is too long)

Both of my parents demonstrate signs of being emotionally immature. I suspect that there may even be a touch of misogyny at play in regard to my dad, too. I have a brother 5 years younger than me. My dad played mind games with him and pointed to activities (like Girl Scouts) that my mom did with me (she was a troop leader) and told him that she does more things with me than she does with him (my brother) because she loves me more than him. Anyone reading this can guess what happened after that. My mom overcompensated for my dad’s accusations and my brother could do no wrong. All arguments between the two of us were treated like simple sibling rivalry and I was always the one made to apologize and “be the bigger person”, even if I did nothing wrong. My brother was also very manipulative and cunning, he used to even pit my parents against each other when he was young.

When I reached high school, my mom started a new approach. She decided she wanted to be my best friend and started confiding all sorts of stuff in me. In hindsight, it was a cross between parentification and triangulation, I’m guessing due to my emotionally absent dad.

I’m now in my 40s and dealing with the fallout from this family dysfunction that we fumbled through. I am full NC with my brother. My parents enabled him and things got worse with him after I left for college. I witnessed him kick my mother backwards down a flight of stairs, not show up at the hospital when our grandparents got sick. My parents supported him financially through a divorce. He lived with them of 3 separate occasions after college. My husband and I even loaned him money after his divorce. He hates my husband. We put up with years of talking to everyone in the family making up or twisting stories to suit his narrative about how my husband is a terrible person who “talks bad about the family”-the only one talking bad is my brother. I decided to go NC with him when he accused my husband of pulling a weapon on him, which absolutely did not happen. I asked him why he’s upset with me. What did I do to hurt him? He gave me some awkward story about how my mom paid for a phone card 20 years ago for me to call my at-the-time boyfriend who was deployed overseas. I don’t know how that hurt him, but that’s when I decided that I’m done putting any effort into a relationship with him. I have never witnessed him ever do anything that didn’t benefit himself in some way. I’ve never seen him do anything truly unselfish. It’s been 2 glorious years of NC with him.

My parents are a different story. Being NC with my brother has completely changed how they treat me and my husband. I’ve been told that I need to “grow up”. I don’t even understand what “growing up” has to do with the situation between me and my brother. They’re treating it all like another sibling squabble that I’m expected to resolve. And here’s the thing. I could do it. I know exactly the right set of words to string together that would sound good and turn everyone’s heart to mush, but I’d be lying through my teeth. I’d be selling my sole. And it makes me downright angry that my parents are OK with putting me through that. But it should be no surprise because they’ve always been this way. It’s what is expected of me.

For some unexplainable reason, I am incapable of going NC with my parents. I know life would be easier if they were a non-factor in our lives. I suspect they are talking about us poorly behind our backs to my aunts, uncles, and cousins, but I have no solid proof of this happening. I know they created all of this drama. Today my husband sent me a video about emotionally abusive mothers, and something clicked for me. They did cause all of this, but I don’t think they did it with the intentions to mess either my brother or myself up emotionally/mentally. In contrast, I see my brother’s actions as being very intentionally done to benefit only himself. I see the manipulation that goes into his decisions/actions.

I have empathy for my parents on some level because I don’t think their intentions were to destroy the family they created, even though, that’s exactly what they did. I’m not holding onto hope that anything is going to change with them. Heaven knows none of the lot of them have ever given a real, honest apology. I know that isn’t going to happen. I believe they act the way they do because it’s the only thing they know. My mom used triangulation tactics because it made her feel important not because she wanted to hose my relationships with everyone else. None of that makes it right, but it does make me look at them like stunted toddlers-and I think that’s what’s hold me back from cutting all ties. Either way, I will continue to preserve my family’s peace, and if that ultimately means NC with the lot of them, then so be it. But do their intentions and severity of abuse factor into your decision to completely cut contact or remain low contact?

I'm not surrounded by friends. I'm not surrounded by family. I most certainly don't have any money and I'm not drowning in gifts either. But I'm happy. I don't know why I'm happy but I am. It's weird, right?

I grew up the scapegoated child of severely mentally ill narcissists. I've spent a lot of time in therapy understanding that I was scapegoated, and learning how to start trusting my own judgments again. But, every now and then I find myself accidentally slipping back into this response. I'm still in touch with one family member, and she manages to trigger me right back into that role without effort.

I guess my question is: how long does it take? How many times of coming back to myself before I feel like I have integrated that they are the problem and not me? Because right now I go through these cycles of feeling stuck and having clarity, and even though the cycles get longer and less intense, I guess I had kind of hoped that understanding that I am not the problem would stop me feeling that way ever again.

My father had a job where he literally helped people all day (Paramedic and Firefighter). Despite having this job, he had no sympathy or remorse for people. Maybe he did when he started and lost it over time, regardless he didn’t care for people much. To neighbors and friends he was seen as a great man that everyone loved. He also was charismatic, surfed, had a laidback image.

As a kid I’d sometimes hint to friends that my dad was not nice and they couldn’t believe me cause my dad was so nice and had this image of being a badass with a heart of gold. He appeared to most as a laidback guy that listened to Bob Marley songs that surfed and put out fires. Just wondering if your parents appeared as great people or if everyone thought they sucked.

Has anyone taken any of her courses and found them helpful? I'm contemplating joining one but since they are on the pricier side I'd like to get some feedback first. For those who don't know her; she's a Canadian therapist that specialises in how to heal from emotionally immature parents.

So- I’ve lurked here and first time poster. It’s long, apologies.
I recently wrote my mother a lengthy but carefully considered letter outlining serious concerns about her longstanding financial mismanagement, hoarding, lack of planning, and reliance on her adult children to repeatedly manage crises. I explained the significant emotional and practical toll this has taken on us and asked her to engage in a sustainable financial plan with appropriate safeguards, so we could protect her future security and preserve our relationship. I did not mention any legal action, although certainly I have discussed the option of making a financial guardianship application with my sister. I am a social worker and I am very aware of what this entails.
For context, my mother has not worked since she was about 25 due to illness and receives the DSP, although we have often questioned privately whether all of her reported limitations are genuine for many reasons. Regardless, she is a very unwell person in many ways, has no social or family connection an aside from me and my sister . Over her lifetime she has inherited more than $1 million++ from her wealthy parents, who are now deceased, and has largely spent it on purchases from places such as Temu and eBay, as well as other bizarre or unnecessary items. They had actually put a trust condition on her inheritance that also aimed to preserve investments for us as grandchildren (aware of her behaviour) However, unfortunately, as my sister and I were very enmeshed and parentified children (esp at this stage in our very early adulthood) and she convinced us this was totally unjust and we assisted to support having the trust removed and my mum received this money in full. What a mistake. She burned through it rapidly and we each received only 20k- which as naive kids in debt who had never been given anything seemed amazing at the time- I paid off my credit card debt.
She is extremely disorganised and can be grandiose, hysterical, aggressive, or avoidant when anyone questions her decisions. She also has a pattern of decompensating during periods of stress and threatening suicide or wish “to be found dead in her bed”. This was a regular expression of hers while myself and my husband worked to remove her hoard and clean her filthy home.
My sibling and I have spent much of our lives rescuing her, paying for house insurance (which she felt uneccessary) and crisis expenses, and dealing with the consequences of her decisions. We have received little to no financial or practical support from either parent while growing up, (father also very neglectful) and our childhoods involved significant abuse and neglect. My mother actually left us as kids when I was four years old, we lived with my father and his very abusive ride until I was about 13. Despite this, we have continued trying to support our mother through adulthood and had assumed that we would keep doing so indefinitely.
Rather than acknowledge any of my concerns or suggest any alternative when receiving my letter, she responded with an aggressive message asserting her legal rights, refusing any financial oversight, and declaring the matter of her capacity/competency permanently closed. She then demanded immediate repayment of a family loan, the return of her car, and the return of her house key, and threatened legal action.
She also said that she had contacted a legal advocate, who told her that we had no grounds to make a guardianship application as family members. That advice is largely toothless, because advice is only as good as the information provided by the person seeking it. We have extensive evidence, and documentation of the impact of her lifelong conduct that coukd be presented and would definitely be taken very seriously. We also have substantial evidence of our repeated attempts to engage her in meaningful protective planning and discussion. It is deeply upsetting that a request for conversation and acknowledgement was met with threats from her, but that response is unfortunately consistent with the broader pattern.
The loan is money I have which I have intended to hold in the medium term to help preserve it for her future. She has no other superannuation, savings, or capacity to earn an income. I have no intention of spending the money for myself. The only reason she even had these funds to loan me (I needed as I bought a new house this year and while my partner and I are in good professions we are playing some catch up), is becaus last year I took 3 weeks off work to rescue her from destitution and arranged for her hoarded, deteriorating, debt-ridden property to be cleaned up, managed, and sold to downsize into a place that was feasible for her to maintain. I have been trying to ensure that the remaining money she has due to the downsize windfall is protected to support her as she ages.
The issue with the car and keys is not complicated in the way she is presenting it. Her car was at our home because we were storing it safely for her while she is unable to drive it. We have our own cars and had no reason to use hers or take control of it. We kept a key to her house so we could access when necessary for safety checks and practical management. That access has genuinely been necessary at times, including recently when she broke her leg. Her demand for the immediate return of the car and keys feels as though she is portraying ordinary arrangements made for her safety as if we had stolen or withheld her property.
She has now positioned me as the sole problem, despite these being longstanding concerns shared by other family members (my sister and husband). It feels like another cycle of blame, intimidation, and punishment for attempting to establish reasonable boundaries. I am struggling with how cruel her response feels, particularly after years of trying to help her and protect her from the consequences of her own decisions.
I genuinely feel that I am finally ready to close the door and go no contact. At this point, continuing to engage seems likely to expose me only to more abuse and manipulation. I feel guilty that this may leave my sister to manage the situation alone, especially because I do not think she is currently able to maintain the boundaries I have tried to establish. I also feel sad that my children may lose contact with their grandmother. They have only one emotionally safe grandparent left, and it is painful to think of them having even less family support.
I would really appreciate validation that stepping away is reasonable, particularly after years of trying to help and protect her. I would also appreciate support with explaining this to my children. They are five and seven years old, and I am struggling to explain why we will no longer be seeing Grandma without burdening them with adult details, making them feel responsible, or encouraging them to take sides.
How have others explained estrangement or no contact with a grandparent to young children? What wording helped? How did you respond if the children asked whether Grandma was angry, whether they had done something wrong, or whether they would see her again?
If you got through this! Thankyou

About a week ago, I posted this: Been on the Fence About Having My Dad in My Life for Almost a Decade, Am I Overreacting?

Well, I'm doing it. After almost 10 years of being on the fence, and a year of being relatively low contact, I'm going no contact with my father.

I have absolutely no clue what I'm doing, but the distress he causes me is unsustainable. And this day has been coming for a long time. Last weekend I wiped my old Facebook in a panic (after he liked a post I made) and created a new one under a different name (the surname I intend to switch to legally). There have been a lot of conversations, with my counsellor, my girlfriend, and now my brother. The last conversation was the most thorough. We spoke for quite a few hours today, about what our childhood was like, how such has impacted us, what I'm doing and why, and how he's likely to be impacted (my brother, that is). It was a very very good conversation. I may not know exactly what I'm doing, but I know I've got a brother that supports me 100%, just as I support him 100%. That helps me to feel a little less terrified.

Have been no contact for a very long time. The dumb cunt just dropped off like 6-7 boxes of useless garbage in my garage. I'm mid 40s and she wants me to have my 1st grade report card, and American girl doll? I think not. All of it went directly into the dumpster. Instead of rage emailing her to leave me the f alone, I'm just throwing it in the garbage and continuing no contact. I hate her.

I’m 38. I got laid off from my job in 2025, and a few months ago, I asked my mom if I could stay with her and her husband for two weeks before leaving the country. I don’t currently have my own apartment, and I thought it was a pretty reasonable request.
Instead, my mom and her husband kicked me out, and my mom sided with him. It really hurt because I always thought that if I genuinely needed help, I could count on my mom.

My mom is remarried, and I suspect she prioritizes her marriage over her relationship with me. Her husband and I have never really gotten along. We get into arguments over things he says, and I suspect he has narcissistic personality disorder. I sometimes wonder whether my mom even recognizes his behavior or understands the dynamics of their relationship.

The strange thing is that my mom acts nice when we interact normally. But her actions when I needed help made me question how she really feels about me. I feel like, over the years, her husband may have influenced how she sees me, making her believe I’m a burden who asks too much of them. The reality is that I’ve been extremely independent my entire life. I paid for my own college and have always supported myself. I’m not some 38-year-old living in their basement refusing to get a job.

I’ve lost a lot of trust and respect for my mom because of this. I don’t understand how a parent can watch their own child struggle and not be willing to offer even two weeks of help, especially when that child is preparing to leave the country anyway.
Now I’m questioning my extended family, too. My relatives are generally nice to my face, but I sometimes wonder whether they judge me or talk about me behind my back. Maybe they have a completely different perception of me than I realize.
I recently messaged a cousin I haven’t seen in a while to ask whether she’d ever felt that our family was toxic and whether her parents had been supportive of her. I briefly explained what happened with my mom, but she hasn’t responded.

She’s the only cousin around my age I can really relate to. My other cousin passed away two years ago, so I don’t have another person in the family to talk to about this stuff. My dad isn’t someone I can rely on either, so I feel pretty alone when it comes to family support.

Now I’m wondering whether my cousin doesn’t want to get involved, whether she has a good relationship with her parents and doesn’t want to jeopardize it, or whether that side of the family has a negative opinion of me. Maybe they all think I’m a screw-up. I honestly don’t know.

I realize I could be overthinking her silence, but this whole experience has made me look at my family differently. My mom’s actions have made me question whether the relationship I thought I had with her was ever what I believed it was.

I’m approaching 40, and I guess I expected family relationships to look different by now. I also think there’s a generational difference in how my parents view helping adult children and the cost of living today. My mom doesn’t seem to understand how expensive rent and everyday life have become.
I wasn’t asking to move into their basement indefinitely or live off them while I looked for another job. I asked for two weeks of accommodation while I prepared to move abroad. I don’t think that’s an unreasonable request between a parent and an adult child, especially when the child has been independent for most of their life.

I know parents aren’t obligated to provide housing for their adult children, but I thought there would be more compassion and willingness to help when I was going through a difficult transition.

Has anyone experienced something similar? Where a parent acts nice on the surface, but when you genuinely need them, their actions make you question whether they really care about you? Did it change how you viewed the rest of your family? And how did you deal with losing trust in a parent you always thought would be there for you?

I haven’t spoken to my dad in over a year, and it’s been about three months since I last spoke to my mom.
There must have been a sudden drop in temperature in Beijing last night. Before going to bed, I made a point of checking every window, making sure they were all shut so the cold wind wouldn’t sneak in like it did last time. But I still woke up shivering, again and again, throughout the night.
I wrapped my thin summer comforter tightly around myself, curled up in bed, and had a dream.
In the dream, I’d bought some plants and left them on the balcony. I asked my parents to water them for me, and then, almost as an afterthought, I said, “I think it’s time to switch to the Big Bread.”
Big Bread is what I call my thick, soft, fluffy winter comforter.
I felt so safe saying those words. I knew they would remember. I knew that by the time I came home, they would have changed the comforter for me.

和爸爸断开联系已经一年多，和妈妈断联三个月左右。昨夜应该是北京大降温，我特意在睡前检查关上了每扇窗户，防止像上次那样让冷风溜进屋，但还是在夜里睡觉时一次次被冻醒。
我将夏天用的薄被紧紧的裹住自己的身体，蜷缩在床上做了一个梦。
梦中我买了一些植物，放在阳台上拜托他们帮我浇水，然后顺嘴说了一句：“我想把被子换成大面包了。”大面包是我给冬天专用的那床厚实松软的被子起的名字。我说这句话的时候是那么安心，我知道他们一定会记住，等梦中的我回来时帮我换上。

I’m pretty much low-to-no contact with most of my extended family. I come from a huge family, and the drama has always been complicated, messy, and generational. At some point, I decided I wanted no part of it anymore. I distanced myself, and my life has been much quieter and more peaceful because of it.

Anyway, last year, I learned that my first cousin had confided in my mother that she was molested by our uncle when she was a teenager. This uncle is her mother's and my mother's brother. Instead of receiving sympathy or support, my cousin was immediately accused of making it up, imagining things, or exaggerating what happened. There were also the usual excuses, like, "Well, that was over 20 years ago. Why didn't she say something back then?"

What really bothered me was how my mother handled the whole thing, because it was almost identical to how she treated me when my father was physically abusing me, starting in my preteens. The abuse only stopped when I moved out to a city two hours away. (She still to this day fails to understand that I separated myself from the family to save myself. She thinksI "abandoned" her by moving out.) Throughout those years, my mother blamed me, never comforted me, and never wanted to talk about what was happening. Somehow, she always managed to make everything about herself. My father was a narcissistic, abusive, hot-tempered megalomaniac who needed to exert dominance and control whenever he could, but my mother was also incredibly emotionally immature, male-centered, and the type of woman who would defend a man at the expense of another woman, even her own daughter.

Now, my cousin has been on a warpath trying to reclaim properties belonging to her mother that her siblings had previously been "sharing." Naturally, the family has labeled her as unreasonable and accused her of overreacting. My cousin has also said she's willing to forgive our uncle if he agrees to pay for her weekly therapy sessions. She has insurance, but finding providers who offer the specific treatment she needs has been difficult, and the available options are either limited or prohibitively expensive. Said uncle by the way, is a millionaire.

I recognize that she's trying to navigate something incredibly painful while being dismissed by the very people who should have supported her.

What bothers me most is that, more than 20 years later, my mother hasn't changed. Seeing how she responded to my cousin brought back a lot of memories of how alone I felt growing up. It's one thing to know that your mother failed to protect you as a child. It's another to see her repeat that same behavior toward someone else decades later.

I've already kept my distance from my family for years, but this has made me want even less contact with my mother. I don't feel particularly guilty about it, either. I just find it sad that she had another opportunity to show some compassion, and once again, she chose to dismiss someone else's pain.

Am I wrong for wanting to distance myself from my mother even more over how she treated my cousin, especially given our own history?