The struggle is real.

first post

I've just finished reading a book that has demisexual rep and it's got me thinking about my own past experiences. I'm curious if anyone has had similar experiences. These scenarios mostly happened before I had more of an understanding of my self and how my brain works (before the demisexual realisation and my ADHD diagnosis) so I don't think I'd have similar issues if it came up now. I like to think I'd be able to understand things better, but who knows.

This part is more on the ADHD side I think, but over my life I've developed obsessions with people, similar to the obsessions I get with TV shows and books etc. I say obsession because that's what you call it when its an object or an activity (or special interest) but it was really a fascination out of admiration for someone. I didn't stalk them or anything, my brain would just constantly think about them and their work or their interests. It was actually the reason I ended up going to the doctor about maybe being on the spectrum because it was starting to unnerve me a lot. The unnerving part came from other people and their different perceptions of situations. Because my brain would always be thinking of them, I'd naturally mention them a lot, and because of that people around me assumed it was a crush. My mum even called it "mentionitis" when I was growing up. This is where things turned muddy in my brain because when enough people tell you something is true because its normal for them and therefore must apply to me too. When it was someone my own age it was easy to think I had a crush on them because I was told that I did.

The biggest panic I had was when I was in college and I got really interested in my professors work, he was also my supervisor so I saw him relatively frequently and we had a good rapport. He worked on a lot of the topics that drew me to the subject in the first place and I thought it was cool that the person that did all this interesting work was also someone I interacted with weekly. Because of this interest, I started talking about him and his work a lot more to my classmates, a lot of the time when this happens I don't even notice, its the same when I get obssesed with a TV show, somehow I end up mentioning it evert 5 minutes with out realising. A rumor started to spread that I had a crush on him because of how I talked. When I found out I was horrified, when most people have a crush on someone it tends to mean both romantic and sexual feelings towards them. At no point had I thought of him that way, but no matter how much I tried to explain that, no one seemed to believe me. I even worried that they might be right because it's "normal" to be attracted to someone you are thinking about all the time. Thankfully it didn't effect my relationship with him as my advisor and he helped me a lot through my final dissertation but I became incredibly uncomfortable around him because I was worried that I was somehow being inappropriate without realising (My last year was in the pandemic though so the last few months were over video, which helped). It happened again in my post grad with a different professor but I had a bit more of an understanding of how my brain worked and started to care a lot less about what other people thought (which is still a work in progress).

Going through the process of understanding demisexuality and realising just because other people expect me to be attracted to someone, doesn't mean I am. This has lead me to question how many "crushes" I've had that are actually genuine or the result of influence from others. I also don't help the situation because there is always a part of me that wants to be attracted to the person people think I'm attracted to but (despite what some people think) its not actually a choice, you can't just force yourself to be attracted to someone just because you get on well and find them interesting. I had that realisation the first time I kissed someone after thinking I was demisexual. I met someone interesting and persuaded myself that all the asexual/demisexual talk was silly until we kissed and I thought to myself "This is fine I guess."

This was mostly a ramble but I am curious if anyone has had a history of thinking they like someone just because that's what is expected at a certain level of interest/closeness. Has anyone else had this too?

Unrelated Horse Picture

Hello guys,

I just recently discovered that I might be demisexual and I saw that you are all really helpful, so I wanted to ask for advice.

I (male) have a really close female friend, with which we are really close. I was there for her when she was going through a break up and when she discovered she might be bisexual and she was there for me when I was going through some rough time. But I started to feel something more lately. I was trying to get past it, but it's hard. I don't want to ruin the friendship we have. Also she said she views me and other guy friends in our group as brothers and didn't think about us romantically and that she would like to try a relationship with a girl now. So I don't want to be disrespectful to her wishes, all the more because she told me that, but it just really hurts hearing her speak about her situation, when I feel for her this deeply.

So I was wondering if I should tell her how I feel. I think it might be easier to get over her when she tells me if it would be possible or not. But I don't want to hurt her or lose the friendship and don't want her thinking that I was being her close friend just so I could get with her. Do you think I should tell her? Isn't it selfish? And how should I go about this? I am glad for any advice.

I liked someone who went no contact on me a few months ago. We were close friends for quite a while, but we never formally dated. They didn't tell me why they went no contact, but I had recently told them about my feelings, so that's likely the reason. It's hard, because I think I'm grieving the loss of my best friend more than someone I was in love with.

We have a lot of mutual friends. There's been a lot of drama over it because they told people I was the one who walked away because I was mad they rejected me. They also said some really mean things to me. I'm still sad, confused, and very angry.

I just met someone who seems openly interested in me. I don't feel like I know enough about them yet to form a whole opinion. I think I want to get to know them better. I'm thinking about telling them I'm demisexual, which is true, just so they don't try to rush into a relationship with me. But I'm really not sure I'm ready yet. Is that a good plan?

Does anyone have any advice on knowing when it's time to move on?

It really does just be like wtf what going on

Film name: the love hypothesis

I struggle to date because I know in order for feelings to develop I need months, if not years, getting to know someone. I dont have the capacity to maintain that many friendships when i struggle to maintain the ones i already have. It feels wrong to build friendships with only potential romantic intent in mind. Sometimes it feels pointless to date, especially when inevitably they develop feelings before I do and I cant guarantee I'll be able to return them. My friends are married, having kids, or experiencing dating, while I'm stuck developing feelings for the coworker ive worked with for 2 years on a random Tuesday.

I wish I was able to go on dates and feel whether or not theres attraction immediately. I wish I could experiment sexually, I wish I could explore attraction and love without having to wait to find out if ill actually feel it. Sometimes I legitimately question if its a curse or some kind of karmic life lesson when one of my greatest fears is being left to outlive my elderly parents all alone.

Im 23f demi straight, while my partner is 21m demiromantic bisexual. Im much closer to ace than he is and have much more conservative views on sexuality and relationships due to a lot of trauma im still overcoming.

I have cptsd and while I've figured out how I actually feel about sex and relationships, the values that were drilled into me as a kid send me into reactions I dont agree with.

Ex: I'm aware him watching porn and wanting to have sex with guys but not a relationship with them, doesn't = he doesnt love me or that he doesnt care about me. We read/watch bl together, have great conversations that we cant have with anyone else, then all of a sudden a sense of intense jelousy and shame will consume me. Not a shame in him but in myself, because I know im not normal with these things, porn and hookups make me feel disgusted in myself.

My demisexuality and the mentality thats been drilled into me, make me feel my hopeless romantic heart will never be truly happy in a relationship. Because I know how intense my views and feelings are, and like no matter how much I know the facts; that its all for not when I dont understand completely any views different from mine when it comes to sex.

Being demisexual feels like a curse. I wish I was just fucking normal.

Like we are friends. We really are just friends I don’t feel any desire to be in a romantic relationship with her, but I do feel sexual and emotional attraction to her quite strongly! 😅😅 but I can’t tell if this is normal because again I really, really don’t wanna be in a romantic relationship with her, we are really just friends. I do know she’s sexually attracted to me too.

Hi, first time here!

Anyone else like me struggling with these combinations of identities? Being demisexual sometimes makes me question my bisexuality even more. I know bi-cycle is a thing, but damn, too often i question what i really like. Deep inside i know i can stay with both genders, i've already experienced that. But i feel like being bi and also demi makes me question things at a different level. For now i don't define myself anymore, in my mind just using "queer" or "demi", and being open to everyone. Can anyone relate?

I’ve been wanting to post something here for a while. A lot of the posts I see reflect things I’ve experienced, so it’s comforting. But I’ve been having a situation with my partner for a while. I really need some advice or something. He’s a heterosexual man and we’ve been together for almost 5 years now. We got together in high school after meeting online and I fell in love with him so quickly. That’s usually what happens with me. And those feelings stayed strong up until a while ago.

When we moved in together, some things happened and it’s made it very hard to trust him. I get most of my comfort from him and I’m really attached, but I’ve been feeling weird sexually. He tells me his attraction for me has diminished a lot, and a lot of times he’s not interested. He can feel attraction for people that he sees online. He can feel those sexual feelings. But I can’t and I don’t understand why he does. And why he doesn’t feel that with me. It’s been like that for months, in addition to the serious trust issues regarding that. I get so paranoid but I love him so much, so I just keep going.

I used to feel pretty comfortable sexually and I thought everything was amazing with him. He’s been trying to be more intimate with me, but I feel some sort of disconnect. He’s still my best friend. I love physical touch and I love him with all my heart. He’s still someone I’d want to marry one day. But I feel so anxious about anything sexual now. Even doing things by myself. I have borderline personality disorder and a lot of trauma, so I think my self esteem is tied to the problem. But I don’t know what to do. We haven’t been intimate in a while and I don’t wanna mess up anything by saying how I feel. Especially since I’m not sure how I feel in the first place.

It’s so stressful. I just want things to go back to normal and I want to feel comfortable again. I want to feel confident with him the way I used to. But I feel like I’m not in that world anymore. I’ve always been demisexual. The emotional connection we have is still there, but I think there’s damage somewhere in that. I don’t know how to bring that up. I’ve tried reflecting but it’s not helping. He does literally anything for me. When I’m depressed and in a horrible headspace, he’s always there for me and takes care of me. But I’m lost here, very very lost. Does anyone have any advice?

This vent it's kinda goofy bcs i like to make things Goofy once in once and probabily i'm just rammbling, it's like 2:12 AM here and i need to work tomorrow bro.

So, one day i was yapping with my mom until we both fell Into the conversation where she uses the "at your age" card. This time was that at my age [18, i'm female] she had many boys behind her, flirting with her and she would just mess with them, then proceed to call me weird because i said "that sounds awkward"

"One day you'll understand"

Understand WHAT. That i don't see a point on flirting with someone unless i activaly think i have opportunity and also i'm heavily interested on? That i feel awkward with the "i fell on first sight" thing because how can you love someone you just met?

I keep thinking people say "i love you" without understanding the meaning. I still love my ex, not in the romantical way now but in the way that if he wants to, i would gladly help him in anything, that i keep listening to the song he dedicated me. That's love for me tbh

And let's not get started on the damn topic about sex. No bro, i'm starting to genuily consider i'm probabily asexual, i have a serious beef with having sex, i heavily dislike the idea of someone touching me like that [reason why i would never have kids, not biologicaly, i would adopt], but that's for another ocassion

Anyways, does someone keeps getting the annoying "One day you'll understand" sheet? Because i'm sooo tired of it already

[Btw i don't know if this counts as NSFW because i mentioned Sex, please tell me if it does count to change it]

Hi,

I know im Demisexual. Its the only term that has actually felt like it explains what's going on inside my brain. What I have a hard time with is that my brain goes from being somewhat interested in the concept of sex to being absolutely repulsed by it constantly. Its this vicious swing in my brain and I never know where im going to land. I could stumble across something more nsfw and think its somewhat attractive or it could ruin my mood and make me feel nauseous. Idk if this is related to being Demisexual or just something to do with being neurodivergent for me. I just thought I would ask if anyone else was able to relate because I feel really alone with this.

I’m not talking about the definition of the two but rather how you personally experience and process them.

Lately a friend of mine has been at the front of my thoughts and I believe this was largely due to the wave of emotions felt after a massive life change. But the part that took a lot of analysis was that it wasn’t attraction but desire, I had never felt one without the other before especially a desire rooted in emotional safety and platonic love

So I’m curious how others feel about this

I 38m like taking women on dates. I work at a club with many beautiful but jaded women. I take the single ones out from time to time because sex doesn't matter or motivate me but I like to do fun things with casual friends. The girls are very comfortable with me because I am very different from anyone they have ever met. Sometimes we even sleep together but no sex. I like physical touch like hugging and cuddling without getting aroused. The issue is that if I do start to catch real feelings for someone, and we have already been on dates and/or slept together I feel like it is a betrayal of trust to tell them I'm crushing on them. And honestly, by that point, I've already opened up too much. It may deepen our emotional or spiritual bond but any sexual attraction she may have had dries right up.

(I'm literally terrified of social media and also breaking any rules so I beg someone to please let me know if anything in here is Too Much. If it is, I apologize and 1. will fix and 2. hope you can excuse my bad attempt at emotionally dumping about relationships into The Void That Talks Back (i.e strangers))

At what point do you feel like you've caught up? Personally I feel like I've been majorly left behind. I'm (25F) almost 26 and still haven't had my first kiss, let alone anything beyond that. Maybe its religious trauma from growing up mormon, maybe its self esteem/ body issues, or- and what I'm beginning to suspect is the case- it's those plus demisexuality that has me feeling so frustrated and juvenile.

I can count the number of 'crushes' I've had on one hand, and for every one of them it was a passing thing that dissolved almost immediately when they would say or do something I didn't like. From everything I've heard from others, it seems thats not typical, so I debate with myself: Can I even call those crushes? A guy friend will say 'I don't really believe in therapy' and the several month long 'crush' I had would dissolve immediately with little to no residue. I've tried online dating, specifically the mormon kind (was fairly active until 22) and it never worked. Meeting someone under the pretense that we would become romantic eventually never sat well with me. I didn't have to worry so much about being pressured into anything physical (again, religious dating), but there was never any 'connection' or 'spark' because I had literally just met these guys. At any attempt of physicality, there was a deep unease that almost felt like dread. The only time I've felt 'comfortable' or would even begin to want anyone touching me were those fleeting crushes, and then when those died out, the dread came back. I have OCD and so of course I internalize everything and then extrapolate. What if I never get into a relationship? Am I the problem? Is there something wrong with me, and can everyone else see it and I can't? Am I just that picky?

I don't know how to meet people as an adult. While I'm currently in college, I started late and so I'm usually older than my peers- not to mention I'm going to graduate soon and so even that avenue of meeting people is going to disappear. People say to join groups that do hobby stuff to meet others, but a lot of my hobbies involve staying at home and not wasting precious spoons braving the Public. I know that I want a relationship, but then that poses the conundrum: How am I meant to find someone to get into a relationship with without it first having 'relationship' as the context? I'm trying to figure out how to word this, but if I try and think about the possibility of something between me and someone else and it turns out that oh, they have a spouse and kid, theres this little grief I then have to deal with. I get so afraid to just make friends, because what if it is the case that I make a friend and then I have to deal with the small griefs that come from realizing that the minscule amount of romantic affection I had finally begun to cultivate was misplaced? It feels safer to try with someone I know is single so if anything does sprout it can do so guilt free, but then that usually means starting a relationship off with the intention of dating and that puts so much pressure on everything. That also means trying to talk becomes a 'Chore' because I know there's then the expectation that we WILL date when I don't even know if I like them yet.

(TW: Body image issues)

It feels like I'm stuck in this loop of waiting for something to happen, for the magical One to appear and boom we instantly connect and ride off into the sunset, but that is not reality. This might be the negative body image talking, but I know I'm not the most attractive person in the world. I can acknowledge I'm not awful, but I'm a big girl and always have been. I'm nearly six feet tall and it wasn't until recently that I have been able to get my weight under 290. If the magical One is nearby, I don't have the confidence that I would be a 'prize'- if that makes sense. If I want to be in a relationship, I have to put myself out there, but I always worry that- if I do develop something romantically for someone- its taken as a 'ew' versus an 'aw' and that thought kinda demoralizes everything further.

(If this section is too inappropriate please let me know and I can remove/take down everything)

Finally, since leaving the church, I've been exploring a lot of things and that raises another frustration- sexuality. Specifically BDSM. I live in a super red, southern, religious state, and so on top of all my previous laments, I have to deal with the dating pool closest to me being one I can't really work with. All of the men around me are super conservative while I'm super leftist. All of the men are super 'macho' (personality wise) and what not, and I don't really like that. Which finally gets to my next point. From what I've been exploring, I think I'm- and this is thanks to my delayed initiation to the internets BDSM quiz- a switch leaning slightly dom. While I don't have experience now, I can tell later down the line I would probably want both experiences and it feels like that's Not An Option here. It feels like the odds are stacked against me: I'm demi when everyone else just wants to go ahead and hook up, I'm leftist in a red state full of right leaning men, I'm into submissiveness when the status quo is macho, and I find putting myself out there daunting and draining but that's literally the only way something is going to ever happen.

So what do we do instead? We make a quick reddit account so we can scream with anonymity into a void of (hopefully and seemingly) likeminded strangers. Thanks for reading.

TLDR: relationship want. getting relationship hard. : (

Hi all. I think r/demisexuality will be interested in this...

On International Asexuality Day, I announced my upcoming game Ace & Aro: Heart-to-Heart – a short, narrative game where you chat to a-spec characters!

I wanted to let you all know that the free demo – Ace & Aro: One Night Early – is out now on Steam and itch.io, for PC, Mac and Linux. It takes place one night before the events of the full game and, despite your early arrival, Maya takes you on a short tour around Barcade Bros. Get to know her, learn about the meetup group, try a cocktail, and even play a rhythm dance mini-game! 💃

I hope you're about to check it out and I look forward to any feedback! 😀

I’m 22 and never been a relationship. Never gone beyond kissing either. I kind of hit my glow up two years ago and proactively put myself out there and have gone on dates with multiple guys since then. But the problem of being 22 in nyc is that everyone wants something casual or move way too fast.

I keep going on dates with guys that are looking for something long term and seem serious but also have physical touch as their ‘love language’ and assume I’m not interested when I don’t reciprocate it. I’m never able to go past the third date cuz of this.

Everyone around me just tells me to date casually or test out options and never see only one person at one time but I genuinely don’t know how to do any of those things. I bring my sincere self into all of these dates and yet there’s always intimacy compatibility issues. Sometimes they break things off right before I actually start feeling attraction to them. It feels like everyone my age is just about sex sex sex and it’s so alienating