I thought I'd ask for advice from Catholics familiar with annulments, especially Canon 1098 (fraud) or Canon 1095 (incapacity to assume essential marital obligations).
We're planning on trying counseling, but after some recent discoveries, I'm questioning whether our marriage was valid from the beginning. If counseling doesn't work, could an annulment be an option?
We met in November 2017. My husband is genuinely a very nice, gentle, kind man. He wasn't abusive or cruel to me, and I love/loved him. He did come with some baggage: he earned quite less than I did working part-time at a chiropractor's office (which I actually loved because I'm a huge proponent of natural health), had student loan debt but no degree or established career, a previous divorce (which was annulled), and multiple DUIs in distant history. I accepted these things as temporary hurdles he'd overcome as he got his footing. For the most part, things did improve.
But he also took quite a bit of pills, noticeably more than guys I'd dated before. He said they were for ADD/ADHD and migraines. I knew he took pills, but I didn't understand how much he was taking or how long he'd been taking them. I also didn't understand that the medication was tramadol, an opioid rather than a standard ADHD medication. And when he said "tramadol," it wasn't like saying "aspirin," where everyone knows what it is. You had to recognize the word, know how to spell it, and have enough context to know what questions to ask. AI summaries weren't a thing back then, and I didn't fully understand the bigger picture.
May 2018 should've been my first sign, my brother-in-law (his sister's husband) texted him saying he didn't want him delivering medication packages to their mailbox anymore. He said they were uncomfortable with it and maybe needed to talk about his issues or have some kind of intervention. That definitely felt off, but my husband explained that his family didn't understand you could buy pills online and save money on prescriptions. I was all about saving money, so I bought that explanation. I didn't realize this could be an addiction and him trying to get his fix. In hindsight, I wonder whether he had the packages delivered to his sister's house because having them sent to his own house would get him grief from his parents.
Around November 2018, I was diagnosed with breast cancer which rocked my world. Family members even made comments like, "What guy would want to be with someone who has cancer?" But he stuck by me. Looking back, I wonder whether fear of being alone played a part in my decisions. I was dealing with a lot and probably wasn't paying as much attention to other red flags.
He eventually proposed, and we got married in the Catholic Church on September 4, 2021.
When he proposed, I had doubts and felt idk...dread. I had that same major pit in my stomach feeling while walking down the aisle. Both times, I talked myself out of it, telling myself it was cold feet or my own trust issues making me want to run away from a good man. I convinced myself everyone is imperfect and I was overthinking things. Looking back, I wonder whether I was picking up on concerns I hadn't fully acknowledged. I don't know whether those feelings matter in an annulment case, but they stand out to me now.
About six months into our marriage, I discovered court paperwork showing a case against him for "Obtain Prescription Drug w/ Fraud." The violation date was February 2019, the disposition date was February 2021, and there was a judgment for unpaid fines dated February 2022.
He'd never told me about this while we were dating, even though we talked all the time. When I brought it up, he said he'd been accused of changing the quantity on a handwritten prescription. As far as I know, he wasn't ultimately charged because they couldn't prove it was him, although I haven't confirmed the final outcome. Regardless, I had no idea this case existed to even ask questions about.
He also has erectile dysfunction. We had sex about once a month during the first year or year and a half of marriage, but we've now had zero sex for around three years. I know ED alone doesn't mean someone is incapable of marriage, but it feels like we're roommates, and I understand tramadol misuse can contribute to sexual dysfunction.
The lack of intimacy has been hard since we're fairly young, and it feels like we're missing a fundamental part of a marital relationship. I find myself resentful and jealous of other couples. I address it every couple months to no avail.
I eventually encouraged him to taper off the pills because I was concerned about his use. He said he was gradually reducing them and eventually stopped (or so he said). He told me he was completely off them, and I believed him.
Another thing that bothers me is that I was the financially stable one in our relationship, and I ultimately bought the house for us during the pandemic. I was trying to establish a home and build a future together, but I often felt like I was the one taking on the responsibility for making that future happen.
Granted, we were long-distance at the time, which made house-hunting more difficult. But even on weekends when I wanted to look at houses, he was always "too tired" and just wanted to relax. He wouldn't even help me with the house hunt. I was making a major financial commitment and trying to build a life for both of us, but I didn't feel like he was equally invested in that process.
Looking back, I sometimes wonder whether he wanted somewhere to live and a way to get out from under his parents' oversight, and whether marrying me gave him that opportunity. I don't know if that's actually why he married me, but it's a concern I have when I look at the bigger picture. I was the one with financial stability who bought the house and took the initiative to establish our home, while he seemed content to let me handle much of the responsibility. I thought we were building a life together, not that I'd be providing the home while he kept major parts of his life separate from me.
Everything came to a head when he said he was sick and wanted to see a doctor, then asked to use my car. I offered to drive him, but he was vehemently against that and insisted I didn't need to come. I agreed but asked him to send me a video once he arrived. Time passed, I kept asking questions...I'll spare the chaos and lies that night, but long story short, I discovered he'd recently ordered tramadol online. The package apparently arrived empty, so he had a virtual doctor's appointment and then used my car to get a tramadol prescription from a pharmacy out of state. He eventually admitted he'd gone there because he was familiar with that pharmacy and didn't have to wait to get the medication. He put about 130 miles round-trip on my already struggling car.
He initially denied what was going on. I only pieced together the fuller story after confronting him and finding bank statements on his phone showing transactions that supported where he'd gone. His explanation about where he'd gone and what he'd been doing didn't add up, and I had to put the pieces together myself.
What bothers me isn't just that he was seeking tramadol again after telling me he was off it. It's that he concealed what he was doing, resisted having me accompany him, didn't send the video I asked for, and continued denying things until I found evidence. I feel like he was willing to lie to my face and use my car to do something he knew I wouldn't agree to.
Over the last year, I've seen approximately $20,000 in deposits from his earnings into his personal account, yet he only has around $2,500 to his name. Where is that money going? When I ask to see his bank statements, he refuses and says that's his private information and I have no right to it and he doesn't want to hear shaming from me.
We have a joint account for household bills, but he still keeps his personal finances separate and won't let me see his transactions. I'm an open book and more than willing to be transparent about my own finances, but he doesn't extend that same transparency to me. Given everything I've discovered about the pills and the court case, the financial secrecy makes it even harder to trust him.
I've told him he doesn't seem remorseful. From my perspective, he would've continued taking tramadol with a "what she doesn't know can't hurt her" attitude if I hadn't caught him. I don't believe he would've voluntarily come clean otherwise.
I also don't feel he's taking the initiative to address everything. It feels like he's scraping by, hoping the problem will somehow magically go away rather than actively confronting it. We're talking about counseling, and I want to give that a chance, but I need more than apologies or promises. I need honesty, accountability, and real follow-through.
I understand addiction can involve shame, denial, and secrecy. I'm not saying everyone who struggles with addiction is incapable of being a good spouse. But the combination of the pill use, the lack of disclosure, the court case I knew nothing about, the recent deception, and the fact that I still don't feel I'm getting the full truth on top of everything....
For additional context, I'm also very conservative about medication myself. A couple of years ago, I had a bottle of very old ibuprofen that I'd occasionally use for menstrual cramps. He went through the entire bottle, and the next time I needed it, I noticed it was empty. When I asked, "You flew through that whole bottle? Do you know how old that was? I've had that for a decade," he didn't believe me until he checked the expiration date. It was from 2012. I'm mentioning this because I think we have very different attitudes toward medication. I don't casually take pills, and the amount he was taking always stood out to me. However, I didn't understand the extent of his use or what it might mean at the time.
I love my husband, and I'm not saying he's a terrible person. He has many good qualities. I accepted his shortcomings because I believed we were building a better future together. But I didn't understand the extent of his pill use, and I had no idea about the court case when I consented to marry him. We're planning to try counseling, but if that doesn't work, could these circumstances potentially provide grounds for a Catholic declaration of nullity?
- Could concealing a serious, pre-existing pill problem or addiction fall under Canon 1098 if it was deliberately hidden to obtain my consent to marriage?
- Could the court case be relevant since it happened before our wedding and was never disclosed?
- Could Canon 1095 apply if a serious psychological or addictive condition existed here when we married and it affected his ability to assume essential marital obligations?
- Does the fact that I knew he took pills but believed they were for ADHD and migraines make a significant difference?
- The pattern of secrecy, the lack of intimacy, and the difficulty with taking on shared marital responsibilities - would those things be relevant, or would those things mostly be considered problems that developed during the marriage?
- Do my doubts and the intense dread I felt before the wedding matter at all, or is that generally not relevant to determining whether consent was valid?
I know an annulment isn't just because a marriage didn't work out or someone turned out to be a bad husband. I'm trying to figure out if the things I didn't know about before we got married could mean there was a problem with the marriage from the start. I also know that making less money, having debt, or not contributing as much financially doesn't automatically mean someone can't be a good husband. It's more that I feel like I was trying to build a life together while he wasn't really taking the same initiative or being honest with me about some pretty significant things that were going on before we got married.
I want to give counseling a chance, but I also don't want to assume that because we exchanged vows, I have no options regardless of what I eventually learn. I feel like I entered this marriage without knowing some pretty big things about the person I was marrying, and I'm trying to understand whether that matters under canon law.
I'd appreciate honest feedback from people familiar with the tribunal process. I'm sure it's worth discussing with a priest or diocesan tribunal advocate, but obviously I'm very early in the process and just want to understand whether there may be grounds worth exploring.
TL;DR: Husband took pills for ADHD and migraines (tramadol). After marriage I discovered full blown addiction and an undisclosed prescription fraud case from before our wedding. He told me he'd stopped taking tramadol, but I discovered he's still using and lying. He also refuses financial transparency. We've had no sex for three years and live like roommates. We're going to try counseling, but could this all be grounds for a Catholic annulment such as under Canons 1098 or 1095?
UPDATE: I just discovered another lie. Earlier above I said he told me they couldn't prove he was guilty in the prescription fraud case. I looked into it further, and according to the circuit court records, he was actually found guilty of “Obtain Prescription Drug w/ Fraud,” classified as an unclassified misdemeanor. One of the letters I found had his date of birth wrong by 10 years, which is why I hadn't connected the dots sooner. Once I matched the date of birth on that letter to the court records, I found the disposition showing he was found guilty. So this wasn't just a case he failed to mention before we got married. He also lied to me about the outcome when I confronted him about it afterward. Every time I think I have the full picture, I discover something else he wasn't honest about.