r/BrandNewSentence • • 1d ago

Tracking her own nighttime erections with a techno tampon

Post image
3.5k Upvotes

415 comments sorted by

2.7k

u/AddictiveInterwebs 1d ago

358

u/danielsdesk 1d ago

absolutely masterful use of this meme

24

u/AddictiveInterwebs 19h ago

Thank you my good sir

12

u/BloodyPants 15h ago

i stole it, and your family is safe

6

u/AddictiveInterwebs 11h ago

You cannot steal what is freely given, friend

1.6k

u/Imperius_Rex 1d ago

Everything I hear about this man has been against my will.

1.1k

u/sixhoursneeze 1d ago edited 17h ago

Ok yes, but what this woman is doing is pretty cool.

Erection cycles give key insights into cardiac problems, which so far as a biomarker has only been tracked in men, even though 1 in 3 women die of heart issues

Edit: source: https://www.instagram.com/p/DeXjrgkEmMB/?img_index=10&srtk=MTR5aWlyN2M5NjBxaw==

1.0k

u/xXPyreFlyeXx 1d ago

I wish they would just say that instead of whatever the fuck that headline is.

179

u/HornyGooner4402 20h ago

It's New York Post, what do you expect?

TLDR in the video they posted, they highlighted how he can track his erections using like a $200 device, while hers costed $15k and this huge ass data logger that costs at least $8k for the logger itself

20

u/LacrimaNymphae 7h ago edited 7h ago

pink tax

i guess it still applies to billionaires

120

u/HarleyArchibaldLeon 1d ago

Yeah but how would you get people to pay you for more information huh?

57

u/BrokenEyeReborn 1d ago

Not going out of your way to ensure they don't want any more information would be a good start

30

u/habba88 1d ago

Exactly!

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u/impocop 21h ago

What Bryan Johnson is doing is also pretty cool. It’s at times weird but generally rather scientific, tho at times fairly experimental. Also essentially all of his research is publicized.
It often comes across as this insane obsession with living forever and that’s probably a big part of the truth but he has shown that he is also doing this for the net benefit of humanity.

63

u/poacher5 21h ago

It's absolutely 0% scientific - he's a sample size of 1 and he's changing a thousand variables at once. He might mostly follow scientific ideas but every single one is taken beyond the bounds of credibility.

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u/padizzledonk 17h ago

I dont even know who either of these people are and i dont care enough to look it up lol

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u/HLSparta 1d ago

How can you not like AC/DC?

32

u/drfeelsgoood 1d ago

What if it actually was that Brian Johnson lol, I would say that the biohacking shit was working then lol

8

u/tearsonurcheek 1d ago

She's got the jack!

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u/Cenobyte_Nom-nom-nom 1d ago

This is the first I've ever heard of him. I've already forgotten his name fortunately.

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u/ChaoticSalmon 1d ago

Like that Benadryl Cucumberbox guy

17

u/Beneficial-Square-73 22h ago

You mean that actor? Bendybits Cucumbersandwich?

10

u/BSixe 22h ago

Bumbersnatch Cuddlebatch?

8

u/BrokenEyeReborn 1d ago

Brandon something?

6

u/AtWarWithEurasia 21h ago

Who are these people and why would I care?

13

u/chchchchia86 21h ago

Dude his posts, if you read them, are just... Like I'm speechless. I thought it was so character he was playing into but he is genuinely so for real about this bio hacking stuff. Reading his posts and coming to the realization that this man is dead serious just had me absolutely rolling. Maybe it was the edible but his posts trip me out.

6

u/Segat1 10h ago

Why is it always the worst kind of people who are trying to live forever?

9

u/chchchchia86 9h ago

Seriously! The good die young, I guess 🫤

The guy dead ass "planks" on top of his girlfriend and has her period blood in a deep freezer and published her vaginal bacteria count on twitter. Sorry, X, or whatever it is. That is some cartoon network evil character type stuff. These people will live until 120 but Joan of Arc, Princess Diana, Anne Frank, River Phoenix, Harvey Milk, Nathan Hale, Kurt Cobain, JFK (morally good is debateable but he was a decent as far as politicians go), and anyone remotely good dies far too young.

186

u/Kona_Big_Wave 18h ago

Why are they posing like a Kraftwerk album cover?

36

u/DorShow 17h ago

Maybe she tracks her "reactions" when they are...

Fahren, fahren, fahren auf der Autobahn

5

u/Illustrious_Bobcat13 17h ago

I'm an operator with my pocket calculator (tampon)

12

u/naalbinding 16h ago

Day one of Human classes

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u/DiscoStuAU 1d ago

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u/mantisinmypantis 1d ago

58

u/ArelMCII I Was New to Bottoming When He Pissed Inside Me Six Times 1d ago

17

u/VoiceofRapture 1d ago

Where's the Lady Liberty so I know what emotion I should be feeling?!

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u/JonnyCanuck71 10h ago

I don’t care about the boner tracking as much as I care that they look like wax statues of people that have never experienced any real joy

59

u/LogicalRaise1928 17h ago

Everything I have learned about them has been against my will

53

u/win_awards 20h ago

This image is literally all I know about these people and it's six hundred times more than I want to know about these people.

143

u/hefty_load_o_shite 1d ago

Yeah, whatever, but does she also have a child she uses as a blood bag?

82

u/Aden-Wrked 1d ago

She looks like she’s mid 20s maybe early 30s. She is the blood bag.

52

u/Clembert-Hamlamp 1d ago

They both look like they escaped from a wax museum

10

u/UntestedMethod 23h ago

They've been **bio-hacked!!!

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u/seth928 1d ago

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u/reddiculed 1d ago

Gotta clock them ‘wide-ons’

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u/GroupCaptSlow 1d ago

Ohhhhhhhhh

9

u/redxstrike 1d ago

One of my favorite exchanges on AD.

6

u/PrincessPause 18h ago

The NYT article talks about how erectile dysfunction can be an indicator of heart disease, and how research on women in this department is lacking. I know Brian Johnson is a nutjob but this is actually kinda interesting. 1 in 3 women die of heart disease and any research on it is good

35

u/Drakeytown 10h ago

Is that photograph of two real people? Why do they look like wax statues?

20

u/Mobitron 9h ago

Bryan Johnson is a real person yes but I'm not sure he's quite human.

A very unwell person. He looks and sounds completely hollow. A lich would have more life than he does. Very uncanny.

14

u/FlimsyBlood330 9h ago

Trust me wax statues look more alive

27

u/clarenceappendix 19h ago

"Techno Tampon" sounds like the name of a shitty strip club

19

u/Just-A-Cartoon-Lover 21h ago

These people look like they're made of wax. Like they're descendants of the Abraham Lincoln animatronic Disney made in the 60s

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u/RedditorAli 1d ago

Whenever I read some outlandish shit on sexual health, that biohacker influencer (fraud?) Bryan Johnson and his girlfriend seem to be involved.

A vaginal device costing $15k better be able to churn out an encyclopedia of data.

Like a coochie Claude.

95

u/QuantumBobb 1d ago

Snatch GPT

39

u/Karnewarrior 1d ago

"As an ethical vagina, I can't generate 'orgasms wild enough to rip your dick off'. That could cause significant physical trauma to your penis. However, I could-"

5

u/callMeBorgiepls 23h ago

„Do you want me to next-“

12

u/Doggfite 1d ago

VaGenAI™

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u/Vinyl-addict I’m just stuck with that super grip 1d ago

Somehow this is the first I hear about him having a girlfriend, last I heard he was injecting his son’s blood.

Dude surely has a marketing budget that’s for sure.

20

u/FreeFortuna 23h ago

I think he was also the one crowing about how his girlfriend’s vaginal ecosystem was 10/10, absolutely perfect, best bacterial colony ever. 

But everything I know about him has been force-fed to me by the internet, so who knows.

8

u/Vinyl-addict I’m just stuck with that super grip 22h ago

Oh I hate that I remember that now ew

I’m just sitting over here stuck with a super grip but he can have his perfect microbiome.

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u/HornyGooner4402 20h ago

It's $15k because they're using this research grade data logger and analyzer system, which can cost up to $15k before the sensors they're using.

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u/kilopeter 23h ago

Dickipedia

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u/Santaconartist 1d ago

Am I the only one who loves posts like this solely to check out incredible gifs/memes?

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u/El_Maltos_Username 17h ago

Techno Tampon... that would be an interesting addition to r/bandnames

12

u/NikkiMutt 1d ago

Is that really them or are those wax figures?

https://giphy.com/gifs/fDhSkfan1ZeiA

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u/CaffeinatedGeriatric 21h ago

"you were rock solid 3:11 to 3:16, and again at 6:32 to 6:55"

Ok? What am I doing with this info?

10

u/ComicsEtAl 19h ago

Set an alarm for 3:10 and 6:31?

6

u/CaffeinatedGeriatric 19h ago

It´s jack-o-clock baby!

9

u/Live_Length_5814 19h ago

You can just read the article. Erections are a good indicator of longevity, dysfunction is linked to artery blockage.

5

u/broseph_stalin09764 18h ago

I dont read the new york post. Why would I read the new york post?

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u/Aleister_Growley 1d ago

Is that Dennis Reynolds?!!

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u/EarlyXplorerStuds209 1d ago edited 18h ago

Dennis is more into wearing people’s skin, not tracking female erections.

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u/VinnieVidiViciVeni 1d ago

Is this the one he said has the exquisite, surpluss pussy, or whatever the fuck he said?

8

u/Aliensinmypants 1d ago

I only know he was bragging about his son's erections online and he found a method to remove micro plastics from testicles. 

10

u/VinnieVidiViciVeni 1d ago

https://www.vice.com/en/article/anti-aging-fanatic-bryan-johnson-has-proof-his-girlfriends-vagina-is-top-1/

It started with a bizarre bedtime post on X. “Just gave Kate oral sex. Goodnight, everyone,” Johnson, 48, wrote to his million-plus followers. Two minutes later, presumably still catching his breath, he followed up with a vaginal microbiome report belonging to his girlfriend, Kate Tolo. “100/100 score. Top 1% of all vaginas,” he announced, alongside a graph of her results from the Tiny Health vaginal health test.

9

u/cantstoptheCOLEtrain 1d ago

Can we all just be normal please?

3

u/VinnieVidiViciVeni 1d ago

Well goddamn, let the man work I guess…

On second thought…

Edit: lemme see if I can find the surplussy thing… brb

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u/pissedoffjesus 1d ago

He always looks like a corpse.

11

u/Hizam5 1d ago

Gotta say this is the first time I’ve seen a post on the sub in a while where 75% of the words didn’t make sense to me

16

u/paraworldblue 1d ago edited 22h ago

For someone in his 40s whose entire life is devoted to health, the dude looks like he recently got drained by a vampire. Also his girlfriend looks like she's about 20. Is she the vampire?

8

u/chita875andU 23h ago

They both look like life-size silicone fuck-dolls. Don't touch them unless you have a little bottle of Purell nearby.

3

u/EfficiencyWise2401 22h ago

He is actually sick despite all the effort, hence vampire look. Got some autoimmune diagnosis.

Though I would describe him more like a guy who is visibly trying his best not to have any hangnails.

23

u/Praetorian_1975 23h ago

How she sleeps 😳

4

u/Syhkane 22h ago

I'm baffled by how lonely engineers are.

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u/shoulda-known-better 14h ago

If you guys read about this you will know what she is doing will help diagnose heart issues in women....

This is the first genuinely good thing I've heard connected to this man and his weird experiments

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u/newtman 1d ago

She’s definitely younger than his son, right?

7

u/IShallWearMidnight 3h ago

I am desperate to never know anything else about this man or his weird family

15

u/liz91 14h ago

Rich people have too much time on their hands.

9

u/DurantIsStillTheKing 1d ago

Everything that I know about this guy is against my will

6

u/Ksh_667 21h ago

I'm not convinced that photo contains any humans. So yeh stick what you want up ya coochee, if it's as plastic as the rest of you looks you're doing no harm.

13

u/KRambo86 1d ago

I miss back before the internet existed and I didn't have to hear about other people's lives.

35

u/prince-pauper 1d ago

This class of humans is deranged.

39

u/SkitZa 1d ago

In all fairness, women's health is very under developed.. still though.

5

u/HornyGooner4402 20h ago

In the post they made, they highlighted how he can measure his using a $200 device while hers cost around $15k

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u/beeglowbot 1d ago

mfkr looks like an embalmed corpse

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u/DeadrthanDead 1d ago

Some engineer is getting paid to calibrate a techno tampon as we speak.

6

u/joshspoon 21h ago

Techno tampon! I loved their album “Boom Boom in the Womb Room.”

7

u/xxplosiv 18h ago

Incredible r/bandnames entry "Techno Tampon"

4

u/IBeDumbAndSlow 14h ago

With their album "Nighttime Erections"

20

u/Polybrene 14h ago

This the same vampire who stole used his own minor childs blood for a vanity transfusion?

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u/fckingmiracles 13h ago

Yup.  

He now dyes his hair like any other 50-something man, though. 

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u/Lara-El 12h ago

He didnt steal anything lol I'm all for calling him weird but the process eas clear. They donated their plasma to each other (grand father received from the weird one, weird one got his from the kiddo)

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u/alabamdiego 16h ago

What is wrong with these people

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u/fleranon 15h ago

they are very afraid of death

I guess it really boils down to that

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u/dragonpjb 1d ago

Why? Is this some weird religious thing?

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u/WifeOfSpock 1d ago

She’s attempting to log all of the neglected aspects of research in regards to the female body, using her own. We already have research into male erections, but not female. 

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u/dragonpjb 1d ago

Ok. That is a valid reason. I can respect that.

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u/WifeOfSpock 1d ago

Yeah, people are reacting in a knee-jerk way, but this is at least interesting and can probably lead to more helpful research in the future. 

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u/ripyurballsoff 1d ago

Females get erections?

13

u/EarlyXplorerStuds209 1d ago

The loris gets a stiffy too, ya know

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u/drunk_funky_chipmunk 8h ago

Women get internal and external erections. Think of how a penis swells up, it’s kinda similar for women. Female genitalia contain the same kind of erectile tissue as a men have.

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u/not_responsible 10h ago

I mean I have dreams where I’m very stimulated and feel like I could orgasm and I try really hard to in my dream but I can’t usually. Lucid dreams. I’d say yeah, I generally wake up aroused/wet like men do. It’s not being horny just noticeable wetness. Except for the orgasm lucid dreams, I try to rub one out when I wake up after those

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u/ADudeWhoWantsEggs 1d ago

Rich people thing

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u/_byetony_ 1d ago

These are weird fuckin folks

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u/roxictoxy 1d ago

Okay so this is completely unhinged, but also I would be SO interested in knowing that data for myself.

4

u/TeamMountainLion 1d ago

We’re running out of sentences, m’lord

5

u/cgatrip 19h ago

Flock is diversifying.

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u/Nackles 13h ago

A little weird, but OTOH, anything that might contribute to more knowledge around womens' health and sexuality, that a person is doing voluntarily, I can't really quarrel with.

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u/O8ee 1d ago

A lid for every pot, as my mom likes to say.

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u/skoomaking4lyfe 1d ago

They both look like mannequins.

3

u/Crimm___ 1d ago
  1. Sorry who?
  2. Why?

3

u/IsThisKismet 1d ago

I hate that I know the who and can deduce the why.

6

u/Romeo_horse_cock 1d ago

So funny I saw her post, or someone reposted her post, and then this pops up days later. She is tracking blood flow and the elections of a woman's clitoris, because not much is ever studied on women. Some of the tech she says is from thr 70s, which is interesting.

5

u/Nefasto_Riso 23h ago

I'm glad we found a way to do ethical human medical trials. You just call it biohacking, make it crazy expensive and use a billionaire as a guinea pig.

9

u/RebaKitt3n 1d ago

While I am happy that some scientific studies on women are being done, wouldn’t it be better tested on a human?

3

u/BrokenEyeReborn 1d ago

Why, though?

3

u/negative-nelly 1d ago

I’m shocked that this dude is married.

3

u/sybar142857 1d ago

there’s always something skin-crawly about this guy. Isn’t he the same psycho who was using his son’s blood to stay young or something

3

u/Abi_giggles 1d ago

Excuse me??

3

u/mynameismy111 1d ago

This wasn't in the Jettisons I remembered

3

u/Unhappy-Space8814 1d ago

Enough reddit for the day

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u/tattoosandtens 22h ago

I hope his son’s transplanted white blood cells eat him from the inside out

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u/isle_of_broken_memes 1d ago

What's a woman's erection? Why are they tracking it? Who is Bryan Johnson?

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u/VoiceofRapture 1d ago

Presumably it's measuring cyclical contractions or swelling in the vaginal canal. Bryan Johnson is the most 40 yo-looking man alive who does blood swaps with his son for his stem cells and records all his biodata to retain his youth with a daily sixty pill regimen.

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u/Spaztor 1d ago

I feel like this time and money could be spent better, but whatever I guess.

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u/a_large_dumple 1d ago

He looks like a vampire smelling his prey before biting her

2

u/Difficult-Safety-480 1d ago

These people are ridiculous

2

u/SausageBuscuit 1d ago

They both look like ventriloquist dummies.

2

u/cheekytikiroom 1d ago

Wax figures. One goal is to live longer than this MoFo.