I'm so, so, so EXCRUCIATINGLY EXHAUSTED of having no life at all. Nobody cares what happens to me, I have zero friends so I might as well end up d*ad on the pavement.

I'd love to just binge as much alc as I can, have sx with a random person (imagining that'd even be an option), then leave (because why would anybody want to talk to me?) and binge some more alone until I collapse wherever I am, and see when I wake up if I'm still up for ha*ging myself atop the hill.

I just can't do it anymore. I can't stay this way. I just want to cut every single contact I have they don't care anyway, they just don't. I'm nobody and nothing to them and they won't miss me, they probably resent my existence at this point.

But as I just have no energy to even go out I'll just take my pills like the loser I am if I keep feeling this way. Nobody's there anyway. We're in it all alone.

Probably not actually, but I was talking to someone (we’ve met but its long distance) and I did notice my usual patterns and reactions to certain things. But I tried to actively work against bending myself to be who he wants me to be (or what I think he wants me to be, y’all know the drill) and it worked for the first time? I stood my ground and actively said when smt bothered me/made me feel unsure.
And now I think it will end, because the dude cant have one serious convo, even when I say that something is serious to me. (He also had pretty strong opinions on stuff for someone who says that he doesn’t take it seriously) And I called him out on it, and I am still chill? I didnt crash out or feel the need to do everything to gain him back? But I dont think I split on him? (Cant say with certainty obviously. Because before I did crash out several times when his tone “changed” or smt).

Anyways just needed to share that also for myself! Maybe Ill crash out later and can look at this again to remind myself that standing up for your beliefs is not the ultimate failure.

Hello, borderline here. Just feeling a bit sad and hopeless again. I don’t really feel actively s (no plan), but I am kinda just tired of existing and having to constantly go on with this debilitating disorder. Nobody to talk to irl about this that understands the deep hopeless emptiness that hits me at random for no reason. Nice to get it off my chest, and would maybe like someone to talk to is all. Thank you anyone for reading this. Hope you’re doing well

the de realisation? (Is that the term?) is making me lose my mind honestly😭 i zone out all the time, forget where I am and i have to physically look at my body to remember that im in the moment and exist as a person ?

interacting with people/my cats and real life objects def helps but what do u do when u wanna isolate and just exist without having to be social 💔 im just really exhausted emotionally and physically, v numb

I absolutely hate overthinking things. Like someone being active on Messenger, and you sending a message, and they leave it on Delivered. My mind races to the worst possible case scenario. I hate it. My anxiety spikes, I want to throw things, amd I cry uncontrollably.

I want to have normal thoughts. I want to feel normal. It's worse being aware you're overthinking. And, very exhausting

aka anyone else go from like a 2 almost inconsolable on the verge of absolutely losing it to a 8 nothing has ever been weong in my life in the span of like 4 minutes

I feel like after I aggressively split, snap on a loved one I feel even more like an empty husk. For hours, overnight. Doesn’t matter. It’s exhausting I feel like my boyfriend, and other friends of mine can only take so much of this. It’s hard to talk to anyone when I know their patience only goes so far. Then I get to a point when I don’t want to talk to anyone or do anything. My throat is dry and my stomach growling and I’m freezing cold but I won’t do anything to make it better. I want to lay in bed, bare with no clothes or blankets. I want to go hours and days without eating. I want to let my throat dry up till I dehydrate.
All because that is the punishment I deserve for burdening everyone I know. Like I tricked them into loving me, this is how I pay for who I really am on the inside. A cold empty husk. I often wish I were gone. I’m a fucking tumor on their hearts and even if they missed me their life would be all the better for it if I were just cut off and tossed in the trash, there’s no other place more fitting.

A while ago, I (22M) just had an argument with my partner (23F). I was known to commit self harm which was the reason actually that made me start going to my psychiatrist. Whenever I commit self harm, I am well aware of what’s happening, and the reason why I do it is because I feel like there’s an urge to explode and exploding on someone or something doesn’t feel right to me which is why I think I harm myself because it feels more right and it didn’t help that I have some kind of anger or hate against myself. But, that’s not the only reason why I commit self harm, I also do it because it feels like it will make her care about me. Is it wrong to feel that? Like wrong in a way that it’s not how persons with BPD think? btw I do self harm by punching myself and banging myself on the steering wheel of my car.

cn: mention of sh, suicidal ideation, eating issues, hallucinations

lately i feel so empty, but like also crazy things keep happening like hallucinating, different kinds of dissociation, splitting more often than before.

i feel like i have no idea what's going on, i lay in my bed for most of the day, completely tired. but as soon as its night.. i can't sleep anymore because the world finally feels somehow peaceful.

what is also really fucked up is that i tend to sh without noticing until after, one of my family members really wants me to stop living alone, cause she doesn't trust me i can survive alone.

Also eating got weirdly annoying, i feel hunger sometimes, but i can only eat really little. Mostly I don't even eat at all.. i mean for what am i even doing this?

i feel like some absolutely lost soul, but my ex boyfriend really wants to see me again. he was the only person who could give me a slight feeling of stability in my life.

I don't know what I actually did to hit rock bottom and be as sad and hurt as I am right now, completely alone, with nobody around. Was I just too stupid? Was I too useful, too available? I feel stupid, old and stupid, and a burden on people's lives. I just wish I had the blessing of being able to smile at least one day. Sometimes I feel like I'm digging my own grave and wasting away out of self-pity, and other times I think this is only happening so I can become hardened and mean, just like I used to be a while ago. Love doesn't exist, good people don't exist. Fine, Isa helped me, but it was always like, 'I'll help you, but then you have to do this and that.' For me to get things done, I have to make a massive mental effort. My head gets so compressed and I feel so awful that I have to hit my own head and cut myself just to see if I can get some peace, just to see if I can get things done. She thinks I'm lazy and that I don't trust God, and I don't know what's going on, but I feel like trash, you know? And so alone.
I have absolutely nobody. I don't think I ever did. I think what I had was the sweet illusion that I was loved, that people cared about me, but deep down they just think I'm shallow and available. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to be mean, useless, an alcoholic. I hate drinking, but I don't know what else to do to survive in this piece of shit life. I humiliated myself so much, I gave so much of myself. Who knows, maybe if I'm drunk or if I start doing drugs, I can finally put an end to this misery they call life. I can't be happy, I feel empty, nobody cares, I'm a piece of shit and I don't know if I'm being ungrateful, but I think everything I saw, everything I thought was happiness, was just a fucking illusion I created. I created a happy scenario and believed I actually existed inside it. I lost my job, my friends, everybody hates me. I spend 24, 48, 72 hours trying to please absolutely everyone just to be accepted even a little bit. Yes, I try to please everyone, I try to get approval even when they mistreat me and throw up all over me. I keep begging for crumbs like a stray dog. I keep putting pressure on myself and I can't take it anymore, asking for help in the middle of this fucking chaos. They don't help, they aren't cared at all. I asked to be hospitalized and they didn't even bother to get me checked in. I just wanted to shut everything off, die, and simply disappear from this world because I have no value. I am not worth it. Nobody can stand me because I am real. I don't fake anything, I'm just real. I say what I feel, what I think, and now I am simply alone. It's no use trying hard and trying to please, it's no use.
I don't know what to do, if I'll manage to get any money, but I'm going to try to sew all of Iza's clothes, and I'm going to get a thousand jobs, and I am going to be the cruelest person anyone has ever met on the face of this earth. I won't feel sorry for anyone, I'll step over people, I'll date guys and lead them on, I'm going to be a real motherfucker—though I guess I already am, because the bitch who gave birth to me never raised me and always complained about me. I never want to remember that sweet person again, 'sweet' as they say, but really just a sucker. I will never be that sucker again. I am going to be the worst person in this world because it's not worth it to be good, honest, and loyal. It's not worth being real. People like what's fake, what's worthless, what's wrong, and they like money. I'm done. I'm going to live like this until I can finally commit suicide, because nobody cares, nobody cares. I can't get treatment and take the fucking medicine to stay numbed out so my brain gets better, because nobody in my family was willing to stay with me during the treatment, where I'm supposed to rest and work less, because I'm a piece of shit. So I have no other choice, and this is my end.

My bf (who I think was my FP) broke up with me after he couldn’t handle being the center of my universe. It was a hard relationship of just over 2 years. The breakup was one month ago.

In that subsequent month, I have spiraled with substances, ideation, and self-centered survival behaviors, that have also pushed away friends.

I still have some friends, but can’t help but think: “if they knew the real me, they’d leave me too.”

How can I remain kind to myself despite objective evidence that other folks see me as too much and unhealthy? One of the former-friends even said “you do not have the qualities in a person that I want in my life.” 😭

I keep comparing myself to the woman that he follows on Instagram. He follows so many and likes all of their posts. It’s hard not to compare myself when they’re all so pretty. I genuinely don’t know what to do anymore I hate feeling insecure