Why?
Dear South Carolina Defenders of Public Morality,
I am writing to you today from a place of profound spiritual enlightenment—specifically, the parking lot of my local strip mall, where the layout of human vice has been curated with the precision of a fine museum.
To my immediate left stands an ABC store, a glowing beacon of state-sanctioned health, proudly selling enough high-proof ethanol to strip the enamel off a trailer hitch or destroy a marriage by nightfall. Completely legal, of course. Taxed, regulated, and encouraged.
But it was my journey into the vape shop just twenty feet away that truly opened my eyes to the breathtaking brilliance of South Carolina jurisprudence.
I walked in a while ago, fully prepared to witness the horrors of the devil’s lettuce. And your brave, tireless efforts in Operation Ganjapreneur did not disappoint. The floor cases that once held hemp flower—a plant so uniquely terrifying it has been known to cause mild relaxation and a sudden urge to watch nature documentaries—were completely empty. Stripped bare. I could practically hear the echo of a SLED box truck driving away into the sunset, carrying off those dangerous, federally compliant buds. I felt safer already.
However, as I lifted my eyes to bask in the glory of your clean sweep, I looked up at the wall.
Lo and behold, standing untouched, unbothered, and stacked to the acoustic ceiling tiles, was a massive display of 7-Hydroxymitragynine (7-OH) concentrates. Many brands and strengths.
I stood there in absolute awe of the mental gymnastics on display. It is truly a masterclass in bureaucratic backwardness:
The Flower that grows out of the dirt: A catastrophic threat to the fabric of society. Deploy the State Grand Jury! Mobilize the DEA! We must protect the public from a pre-rolled joint at all costs! Almost no THC. I kind of preferred low thc flower.
The Highly Addictive, Chemically Isolated Opioid-Mimic: Totally fine! Leave it on the shelves! Let people buy it right next to the disposable vapes and neon signage! After all, if an unregulated research chemical isn't explicitly named in a 1970s statute book, it basically doesn't exist, right?
Thank you for clarifying the state's hierarchy of health. I now understand that a naturally occurring plant is a public enemy, but a highly potent, unregulated alkaloid from wherever that binds aggressively to mu-opioid receptors is just good business.
I feel deeply comforted knowing that while soon, I can no longer buy a mild hemp pre-roll, I can easily purchase a fistful of sketchy 7-OH vials right off the shelf due to these regulatory loopholes. At a gas station no less.
The hypocrisy is so thick you could cut it with a knife. Keep up the phenomenal work—you are making our parking lots weirder and more contradictory, one raid at a time.
I am convinced that the powers to be don't want you sitting and relaxing. Watching that nature documentary doesn't fill jails or does it grease the court system and or jails due to DUIs.
A Bewildered South Carolina Consumer
Enough of this. Out of here.
You can have Lindsey's new look.