English is not my first english !!!! (Used google translator and reviewed it

My best friend told me a friend of hers was interested in me.

He’s an amazing friend to her, so I got interested too. She told me he’s ace and doesn’t have much dating experience.

The last thing I want is to make him uncomfortable, but my usual style is to flirt through teasing and—as we get closer and more intimate—move toward something more sexual.

I know it’s just the beginning. He’s shy, but we get along well in conversation.

I’d like some advice on how to flirt without making him uncomfortable—while still making it clear that I *am* flirting.

I am spiralling. My partner of 7 years left me because we weren’t having intercourse enough for her(F/F). Which sucks. I just don’t really have the desire to do that despite being attracted to her but I am incredibly in love with her. She told me that I need to figure out whether I was on the asexual spectrum to tell future partners. I guess looking back when I was teen, I never had a libido (didnt masturbate at all). I came out as a lesbian as teen because that who I have a pull towards. But as a 26 year old, I thought maybe I am straight but I have no desire to be with a man also. I crave intimacy in terms of physical touch etc but I don’t get horny, ever, although I think about sex often. My brain is just all over the place and there isn’t really anyone I can speak to that would understand.

I am sorry for the waffle but I am hoping there is someone out there that maybe feels or felt the same that can comprehend somewhat of what I am feeling.

This will be long. Flair as "am I asexual?" but not entirely asking that, I think there's a sub for that, and people can say "you may be X Y Z?" but only I can say "this fits me". Just looking for perspective, if I'm overthinking or my suspicions may be right, sort of peace of mind, just looking into discovering myself a bit. I don't really feel conflicted since I'm in a safe space and don't feel like I'm repressing a part of me. Tagged it as NSFW just in case cause I'll mention sex, kinks, and shit so I think it fits. Been questioning for at least three years but didn't think about it until now.

I know some things don't define if I'm ace or not, like having a partner or participating in sexual acts, I know some ace folks experience romantic attraction, and some enjoy sexual acts, such as demi people who experience sexual attraction after developing a bond, which is not "like everyone else does" how bigots say, since society has a specific view of how sexuality should be experienced and us queer people differ from that "norm". But I've been wondering if me having basic empathy and rejecting that norm prevented me from noticing my experiences may in fact differ from that "norm".

I began thinking deeply about it when someone asked me what sex was since I'm sexually active, but not "how you do it?", more like "what it feels like?", I concluded saying that, although I enjoyed it, it more akin to eating pasta, I can go a day without pasta, a year, rest of my life. That's when the "norm" began sounding in my head, I know non-queer people ARE NOT sex-crazed or anything, but it did got me thinking... what is exactly the norm for sexual attraction? What is a "normal"? Some people act as if sex was esential, some accept it isn't. The conversation ended with me saying "maybe we're both ace and just don't know it" as a joke but it still left me thinking. This kind of questioning happened before, the person I had the conversation with is trans, of course I supported him, hell, I began experimenting with pronouns and expression to show it's fine if someone's trans, it's normal, and discovered I'm enby. Mandatory if I had a nickel for every time supporting someone led me to questioning my identity, I'd have two nickels, which isn't a lot but it's weird that it happened twice lol. The event that made me write this was a conversation with my partner.

I was calmly enjoying some good ol' Gambit NSFW images cause I completely understand Rogue (and Gambit too, both are hot), and saw maid Gambit. I have a thing for muscular guys in delicate clothings, so I thought about my partner in that clothing, also have a thing for dominance, I fantasized about that scenario... but the fantasy quickly turned less erotic. And I decided to talk about that with him, then noticed a pattern, thinking about my partner, it's barely sexual, when younger it was almost impossible, for me to imagine people I had crushes on in sexual situations.

I know labels fit people, not vice-versa, so if I feel like a label fits me, I decide to use it or not, out of curiosity I checkes some microlabels, some fit but not entirely, like half of the definition was me and the other half wasn't, so I never really looked too deeply into it until now. So has anyone experienced that? Like, is it a common to experience a sort of flux? to call it something (though I'm not sure if it is fluid)? Sound like the definition of any label I may have missed? Or maybe I'm just alloflux?

Key details I've noticed, in case I didn't make myself clear, are the following:

-I'm not aromantic or sex repulsed, I enjoy sexual acts and experience romantic attraction. I know I experience sexual attraction, but don't know if it does fit the "little sexual attraction" part.

-I don't mind sex, although I enjoy it, I don't really care if I couldn't have it anymore, most of the time, NSFW art is enough. If my partner doesn't want sex and I'm horny, I'll gladly do something like gift-giving or spending quality time, it's just as satisfying, or more, than sex.

-My partner has a higher sex drive than me, I don't mind, I enjoy sex with him cause for me it's like doing anything else, like, "hey, wanna fuck?" = "hey, can you make me a sandwich, please?". My favorite part is the ending, not "glad it's over", I experience an increased need for physical contact, kisses and hugs. It's cool to see him aroused, I like that he desires me, and love the aftercare. Makes me feel protective, like, I become that alpha wolf from the memes that rips his shirt off lol. (We joke about that, cute fun fact, we're Latino and here in Latam there's this meme that says "un lobo siempre cuida a su loba" translates to a wolf always protects his she-wolf, with that Maroon 5 song Animals in the background, and he sends me wolf memes sometimes)

-I feel sexual attraction for my partner, just not as strong as I experience with strangers, which kind of concerns me since it sounds bad, but I wouldn't cheat on him cause, like... that'd hurt him, and sucks. It seems my attraction decreases when I love, kind of fraysexual-ish??? but without dissapearing entirely (I don't know if fraysexuality requires sexual attraction dissapearing or if it just decreases, so if it doesn't disappear, then maybe I am panromantic fraysexual), like I focus more in making that person happy rather than thinking about how much they arouse me. Not "I gotta make them happy or they'll leave", more like... making a partner happy is arousing I guess.

-Although I do experience attraction to people, I find it more arousing to consume content with fictional characters (kinda fictosexual but not entirely cause I think that's exclusive attraction to fictional characters???) specially those I like (even if I mentioned Gambit, I'm more into Toad, not important but I love for my stinky man). And if you ask me? I find fictional characters more sexually attractive than real people, I may look at my partner and fantasize about his smile (I'm smiling writing about him, I fucking love him so much), I may look at someone I find aesthetically pleasing and think about "yeah, I'd like to sleep with them", and watch an image of BNHA's Stain and remember I love man boobs, but if you ask me? I'd rather be with my partner or watch some NSFW together than thinking about how attractive other people are, my partner knows I'm polyam and he has no issue, he even has said he'd like seeing me with a woman so, despite being a bit conflicted, I don't really worry about the difference in sexual attraction since I know it's something he can also enjoy with proper communication and mutual consent from everyone involved, there's literally no need for cheating, which would be surprising for bigots to hear from a polyam person lol.

-I've seen some microlabels that kind of sparked some interest, of course fraysexual, but also myrsexual (though I'm most certain that's not me), and caligosexual which... I think part of me fits? but I'm not entirely sure. So if anyone has any conclusive answer well cool, or if anyone could share their experience of how exactly they found out they're asexual, or experienced the same, that'd be also cool, or if anyone knows a label that describes what I wrote whether if it belongs to the allosexual or asexual spectrum, also cool... or if it's just nothing it's also cool since I'm not desperately looking for a label, it's just some self discovery journey, but in the end, it doesn't really matter if I'm ace or not, just curiosity.

Hi all,

First ever post on this account do be kind. My first post i want to talk about is this, its been a lot to digest, physically and also emotionally. Done a lot of research but now just have got the courage to ask. My wife (37 F) and I (33 M) have been together for 8 years, we have a young daughter (1 F).

Similar to almost any relationship, things were great, we clicked not just mentally but physically. An as time passed, things slowed down a bit and we matured into our relationship. Weve always talked, no secrets kept and we know each other very well. Over the course of the last 3 years, I noticed a change in my wife's behaviour when it came to bedroom activities.

Like all men should, respected my wife if she stated she wasnt in the mood or just wasn't right timing. After a while of constant no's, I asked the question. What's going on? This is when it came to light that she had been hiding that she was Asexual and not keen on sex (I know theres a term for this but cant remeber it now) and only really did it to satisfy me.

We talked a great deal, a lot of pent up emotions from her which I listened to, to understand, to see from her side of things, the reasons and the overall thought process. As noted at the very start, ive only just now got the courage to ask others. Personally I felt lied too that she had hid it all this time and that we also had our daughter during this. Betrayal maybe? But also she knew from the very offset I had said my libido is high. Which now makes me feel like trash knowing she was only doing it for my satisfaction.

My ask is this, how do I move forward? What can i ask? How did you get round this yourselves?' Because we have discussed my needs, her needs, our daughter and our relationship. Divorce isnt an option for us, Open relationship is off the cards, I love her dearly and her, I also. Our daughter means everything to us. Yet our relationship has taken a hit, not a major one, but you know something just isnt the same. I dont want to ask for sex and I feel dreadful, even thinking to ask this from her. Masturbation isnt the same. I dont want celibacy but I dont want to put my wife in a situation shes not happy with.

I love my wife, but I am at a loss. Advice please.

Hi! So I've realised that I really really really don't like the idea of doing sexual stuff with another person right after doing it once? Like I need a really big break in-between (Idk how long though? Probably more than a week I think). Otherwise I'm fine with sexual things and feel attraction and stuff. I know this probably means I'm not asexual but apparently this sort of thing is a spectrum? Even if I'm not on that spectrum this place is probably the best place for me to dig up if there's a term for this type of thing

I've been lost in how I feel about sex and touch. I do identify as bisexual and have since I was 12 (18f). But I'm not sure if I feel sexual attraction. Like I find people hot and may be like "he could get it", and i get so excited looking at pictures of my celebrity crush, but not in a I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM way. The thought of sex makes me nervous and sounds gross frankly but I can't tell if that's because im just anxious about doing it (which I have once - more info later) or if I just dont want to.

I have a boyfriend and he's great we've been dating a year and a half. But I never initiate and if I do its because I feel bad he always does. Once I'm in the mood its all ok and sexual acts are enjoyable, but it's more him doing stuff to​ me than me to him because I just feel uncomfortable with it a lot of the time. We've had sex once after trying for a while because it was hard (maybe my fault idk) and it was short bcs he accidently pulled out and I was too tired, because we'd done some stuff before, to carry on. That was a while ago and because of exams and holidays I haven't seen him in a while and now I'm nervous to see him (as I usually am) because I know there will be touching and kissing and I dont care for it a lot, at least not right now?

Although he is an amazing boyfriend and my first and everytime I apologise he understands and says he knows how I am so he doesn't mind and likes doing stuff to me. But I feel awful that I dont. But I love just talking to him and spending time with him more than doing anything in the bedroom. And now im almost off to uni (and he is too ) and I'm not sure when or how to break it off or if I just want to because now I​'m too nervous to want to have sex with him and touch him, etc.

more info- I dont watch porn, I dont touch myself- when I have its been like ok i guess but its not something I've done more than like 3 times lol. I do get sexually turned on when we kiss properly but if we never did again I'd be ok with it. Before our relationship I was worried about sex and stuff because it made me feel uncomfortable but im okish now. I dont know if this aversion is due to past events?? I haven't been assaulted or anything but I remember my friend always explained and talking about sex when we were 14, I didnt really care, made me go ew unless we joked. Sex in films is like ok ew ok​ let me finish the story. And im a generally anxious person.

Any advice and opinions welcome 🙏

obviously labels are out bitch and can mean whatever but im curious if that fits the regular usage of the term, ive been questioning if i might be ace over this. i like sex its fun and feels good and i like to have fun with friends, but at core ive never seen the appeal of it beyond that. i think most of the human body is kinda gross from a sexual direction and most things designed for sexual stuff i find gross or just doesnt really do it for me.

Edit: I added nsfw warning for mention of SA and sex/masturbation and abuse

Since February Ive had no intrest in sex at all. I went to visit my bio/estranged dad in may and he told me some things that really changed the way I veiw myself. To say the least I'm currently in an identity crisis. I have no idea who I am fundamentally. Ive been on some new antidepressants too since February as well. Im on wellbutrin which is known to make people horny but for me it turns me off completely. I dont want sex or desire it at all. The issue is, that my whole life has been sex. I was diagnosed ocd because of my obsession with sex and sexuality and everything surrounding it. My parents have told me I could be a porn star. Ive been demeaned so bad for my sex life. In April I got diagnosed with Gastritis and have had these brain shattering migraines I believe are hermacrania continua. Im prediabetic and food doesnt intrest me and life sucks right now. I cant hold water very well and am constantly dehydrated no matter how much water I drink and I take medication that makes me super dehydrated. I also have no intrest in water. I have autisim so eating and drinking water is hard enough and I just have no intrest in things at all.

​

My previous relationship which also ended in February (a lot of things happened in February through now) and that was just sex. The guy who I "dated" wasnt intrested in me that much, like he would put no work into developing an actual romantic relationship with me and thats something I desperately want. I want to be loved. I experience no love in my household with my family and moving out is impossible right now. Everytime Id meet with this guy it would be sex and he'd leave me to go smoke immediately and I would have to build myself up after since he wouldn't bother to do aftercare at all. I have glasses, he would in fact hide them from me as a sick joke after sex. It was like this for 6+ months. I think I did this because it was easy. It was a way to feel something after feeling fucked over all my life.

​

My therapist says that I possibly jump to sex first when talking to people because its the most intimate way of connecting with a person and fast. But thats been so integral to my life, how could I even be asexual? I used to be super into masturbation because it was my way of showing myself love the best way I could when I was neglected by family. I got really into it and I had a whole collection and now I kind of want to get rid of everything. I hate the idea of needing to pleasure myself, its so... mechanical? Doing the same thing over again to try and replicate a feeling I fail to see happen every single time I get in relationships. They always fall short and I always end up putting in all the work. I plan the dates, the gifts, the little acts of kindness. And yet I get guys who will block me for calling them 2 or 3 times when they're out of work and I really need them to comfort me.

​

Maybe its the fact that I so actively read the most vile of Marquis De Sade's work (120 days of sodom and Justine) and im currently attempting to read Juliette but all of his works are so sex ridden. Yet im fascinated by the works of this man. I think I hate butts even more because of him. I am completely uninterested in sex. After the last guy I dated all of my friends agreed he was an asshole, who didn't care about me. We all agreed I should probably stop serial dating. So I decided to swear off of it for a year. But now I just dont want sex at all.

​

But maybe I call him up again, ask to have sex again to truly see if this is my medication or if im actually asexual. Maybe I get a supplement to boost my libido and see if its really asexuality or me just not understanding myself enough. I've done some research last night and I might be aceflux. Ive seen in the past that I used to develop relationships very quickly based on sex, but now want nothing to do with it. Ive also had moments in the past where Ive wanted no sex and it disgusted me but I still wanted to pleasure myself. But I've also been SA'd before and maybe that contributed too. I have experienced spikes in sexuality too. Momentarily because of stuff like a period or hormones, or things like birth control. Maybe its just depression but even when my antidepressant was working I had no desire for sex. Im so confused with where I am in life.

I could be in denial. But I know at this point I am somewhere on the spectrum. I still have no idea who I am. Im still having my identity crisis. I still identify as bisexual and nonbinary but even part of that identity is shattering. Ive based my nonbinary identity on the basis that I was nothing. I knew nothing about myself and that I am nothing to nobody. Im not even fully human to my family. Does accepting this make me even less of nothing? Even more void? Typing this out is really hard. Im just sobbing in a hotel room. I dont know what to do. I really dont have people to talk to about this at this moment.

I do not like sex at all it feels mechanical and uncomfortable I also do not touch myself or watch porn the times I have been told by like a past boyfriend to touch myself I get grossed out and can only use a toy because what do I look like using my hand to touch myself ( no offense to anyone who likes that ) I feel like every single sexual encounter I’ve had has been forced and I have never initiated it, having sex feels like acting a grad performance that I don’t care for. I’ve thought I was asexual since high school but gaslight myself until my current age 25 but now I’m tired I don’t think I can’t so it I don’t have sexual fantasy I fantasaize about marriage and just being close to someone and hugging I like kissing but also to a certain extent

I'm confused about myself right now, every time I have sex it's uncomfortable, I mean it's always been with awful people so that makes sense,

I'm gonna try some pretty tame stuff with my partner who actually cares to see if it's just because of who it's with and I'll probably know what's going on at that point.

I also like masturbation and even sometimes porn so that's why this is such a complicated thing to figure out for me

Please help

I’ve kind of known for a while that I’m asexual and am finally admitting it lol. I experience literally ZERO physical attraction to anyone. The problem is I do experience emotional attraction (like in a way that’s closer and more intimate than a friend).

I’ve never really dated because of this. I can enjoy physical intimacy but when anything sexual firsts starts (even just kissing) it’s like a chore and I’m almost grossed out until I can get over that hump and be okay with it. It’s like this no matter how much I like or love them and that’s really hard so I kind of just didn’t date.

I’m seeing someone right now though and I’m very attracted to him emotionally but again not physically. I’m wondering how I’d be able to date him or if I’d even be able to date him

A few days ago, my sister came out to me as bisexual (she had been thinking it over for years). I have known im asexual since I heard that asexuality existed (about a year ago). On paper coming out seems simple, but my father is QUITE the homophobe and my mother is QUITE the narcissist (theyre divorced and we go back and forth between houses every other week) (also for the record im not trying to say coming out is simple please dont stone me). Im rly into k pop and I like the asthetic of the idols, so one day I was in the car and my father was like "(my name) you should get a bf" and I responded somewhere along the lines of "I dont really see the need for a partner" to this he said "What are you ASEXUAL" in a deragatory way. (this was about 6 months ago) So I said, "that lwk has nothing to do with it but no" because i wasnt trying to get dissowned and have to live with my mom.
(sorry for the rant but i promise this connects to the problem)

My father will very much use this against me if I come out and say something like, "Well remember that one time you LIED about your sexuality" (for the record he believes asexuality is a made up mental illness and not a real thing and that asexual as a word only refers to the asexual reproduction of organisms). This is quite a big deal because the same goes for at school (where everyone is homophobic) (also im sorry if homophobic is the wrong term here).

Anyway I really dont know how I should come out or IF i should come out atp but im going to pride (a pride? idk) because my sister invited me and I lwk plan to rep the asexual flag's colors so my sister will probably find out but I would prefer to come out formally.

(again im SO SORRY for the rant and my HORRID grammar and spelling)

Is it unrealistic to want to date someone without sexual or romantic attraction to them? Like I don't really get kisses, sex stuff, or ever really feel any romantic pull to anyone but I still want to go on dates, cuddle, hug, hell maybe even adopt in the future. There is sometimes a cross between ato and ace so I figured this would be a good place for this.

hello, I'm 25(Gender fluid, any pronouns) and I don't know anything about the asexuality umbrella. I am aware of asexuality on its own, just not the other forms of it within the umbrella.

some history about me, I have a long and consistent history of sexual trauma. it's not prevented me entirely from being sexually active or having sexual attraction... until recently. since mid 2024 I have had nearly 0 sexual attraction towards anyone. in that time I've had a boyfriend and was sexually active with him infrequently and rarely (we were long distance) ultimately we faded into 0 sexual activity of all forms then ultimately broke up because of that amongst other issues.

so now I'm dating a guy and he and I were sexually active in the first month or two, and nothing since then. now we are on month 5 and aren't sexually active simply because I don't want to have sex and don't have the urge or desire to have sex.

all in all I think I'm somewhere under the asexual umbrella, as when I do have sex it's not because I want or like sex or feel like having sex, it's more for the other person and to experience closeness or because it feels like that's what I'm supposed to do in a relationship. I think I could reasonably live the rest of my life and not have sex ever again.

please help and if u have any questions I'll answer any and all I can thank you

note: I've been in and am in therapy currently and covered my sexual trauma extensively and how it affects my relationships, but I have not talked about changes in my sexuality.

I everybody! I'm 17 years old. I'm a non-binairy asexual lesbian. (For info, I came out as a lesbian before I came out as non-binairy. I use they/them pronouns. I consider my gender neutral. I use lesbian because I like girls even tho I am neutral because I have been comfortable with those labels for a very long time).

I came out as asexual to my friends almost a year ago. I had doubts for a very long time, I think I always knew deep down that something (more like a lot of things) wasn't like the majority of people.

Since I came out, I have been trying to clarify my boundaries before I get in a serious relationship. I've never kissed anyone before so I don't know if this is something I would enjoy. I would like to try without having my heart broke or breaking someone's heart. I know that I will never go all the way. I know that I want to hold hands.

How do I know what I really want in a relationship? Please give me any advice, especially if you've gone through something similar. :)

Hi, I have a question? I have been thinking a lot about my sexuality and where I fit in because I find it really difficult to see myself as straight the more I read queer literature. I am 18F and I live in a conservative where slurs are passed around like normal and my family is homophobic , my school ( unisex) is too but no one gets bullied. I never gave much thought about the possibility of being straight or queer before, and it was ingrained in my mind that homosexuality and queer is unacceptable and disgraceful so I naturally disliked them because of that belief. Until I started reading boy love novels, manhwas etc and watching gay series in secret. I have even read lesbian stories but not as widely as bls. That's when I become aware of the oppression, unjust brutality and pain queer persons faced just because of being and embracing themselves, it was an eye opener.

As I become more exposed, I am starting to question myself alot. I find persons of both genders physically attractive but I am never sexually or romantically drawn to them like ever. I don't if it's just that I have not find the right person yet. I also have sexual dreams of both genders but sometimes it's never me in the dream, I am just non-existent. I have sometimes experienced curiosity on what being intimate with both genders might feel like but I can't see myself doing anything sexual with them or just kissing them. I feel disgusted and discomfort at the thought of engaging any type of sexual activity with anyone whether it be a male or female and this confuses me, I don't have any trauma.

I don't what I am, maybe I have internalized homophobia still, I don't know. One of my parents have mentioned that if I do end up being 'queer' , they'd rather me buy them poison to consume. My parents and siblings mostly ill talk about how disgraceful it is for our neighbor's son is because he acts gay, they say he lets down the family name. I have tried to talk to them about how they should let queer people live their lives as they want and not judge them but it doesn't change anything. My sibling revealed that I watch bl too by showing my parents a video I favourited on TikTok. They weren't happy about it but they weren't physically violent either. I am scared and I do not know what to think. I am sorry for oversharing but I just needed someone to ask this because I am not a sociable person.

Throwaway account!

Me and my wife have been together for about soon 8 years(married about 4).

My wife have never been the most keen on sex, but always seemed interested, she had a fetish that while I didnt explicitly share it, overlapped a lot with my interests. This shared interest have for a long time been our "pathway" to share intimacy, both in bed, but also outside.
Fast forward to 2-3 years ago, for various reasons(for which I 100% understand), she grew "tired" of this fetish, cringed out by it and pretty much abandoned it.
I was accepting of this, "no problem, I am sorry for you though" etc, I didn't really think too much about it.

As time went on though, I noticed a shift in less intimacy, while she was often excited by my touch before(connected to the fetish), this didn't seem to be the case most of the time.

I hit a wall at one point and asked her straight out "if she wasn't sexually attracted to me anymore". She revealed she's pretty sure she's asexual and have been her all life.

She explained she still find sex pleasurable, but its not something she really considers or craves.

Once again time have gone on, sex and intimacy feels like it get less prioritized, and if times are rough, sex off the table, if times are good, I feel guilty for "interrupting" the good times with pervyness.

Every now and then, she have mentioned that she would much rather have me find another lady(or dude) to fulfill my sexual needs, than to leave her for only that. I have always shrugged it off, mostly thought it was coming from a place of insecurity(though if you ask me, she is the most beautiful being to have walked the earth).

I've thought a lot about it lately, as I am starting to suspect a lot of my "cravings/desire/frustration" might not just stem from desire of her and love, but also due to my completely unexplored sexual life. Ironically she has a rich past of sexual exploration while I have not, so I also for feel bad to make her responsible for all of that.

We had a few threesomes connected to her fetish(with ladies she knows), it was mostly fun, she have usually been the more passive part/almost like an "event manager". She didn't seem to have any emotional problems with that, and ironically I am the only one that felt some kind of jealousy during those two times. At one point we were about to make one of the ladies our "unicorn", but as we were in talks she found a boyfriend and it kind of fizzled after that.

My main questions are pretty much, am I an asshole/ridiculous to consider to pretty much outsource part of my needs to another person?
I've also been thinking maybe I am the problem in this case, she might be fine with other partners, as she doesn't really "connect" over sex, while I very much do, which in turn makes me overthink this?

Of course, I realize in the end she is the one I need to talk about with this, but its the end of the semester and she have a gazzilion exams coming up, so I will postpone that till the summer.

Dont be afraid to come with your general thoughts on all of this. I love her more than anything, so any tips no matter how small is greatly appreciated.

I just made this account a few minutes ago and have decided to post all my unanswered questions pertaining to different forums or threads? (I don't know what these communities are called). I don't know what my sexuality is. In 2018 when I was 12 years old, late sixth grade, I came out as bisexual. I experienced crushes on both girls and boys , and for some years after, knew I was sexually attracted to both. But for the past few years, I have felt no attraction (romantically or sexually) to any of my peers. I just turned 20 a week ago. A little over a year ago I started HRT (ftm), and I know this can edit or change sexual attraction. But I just feel no interest in anyone. I want children, I feel lonely and like romanticizing a relationship, but only when it's in relation to other people and not in reference to myself. I doubt the label of asexual or aromantic because when I was 14, I was groomed online for about a year with a 65 year old man. After this I slowly lost interest in romantic and sexual attraction. Am I asexual/aromantic?, am I still bisexual but traumatized by this event in my life? I genuinely have no understanding of my own sexuality anymore. Does anyone have any advice on what could be happening?

We never had frequent sex in our relationship. In the early years when I tried to get some it was always wrong timing, not romantic enough, not in the mood, and so on..
When I tried to discuss it, it ended always with arguments that I would cheat to get my needs and that I can not be trusted.. But it always was my fault.
This ended that we only had sex when we wanted another child.
The last time we had „reproduction sex“ is now 9 years ago.
Since then when I try to get some intimacy, I can try what ever I want. I cuddle, i kiss, give massages but as soon as it gets more intimate she will start scrolling on her phone… So I stopp and retire in frustration. The max I get back is that she might pet me little over my back or head. 2-5 times and thats it.
As I am tired of getting ignored/rejected I stopped any advances. So we don‘t kiss, cuddle or touch any more. I even got banned from our sleeping room due to snoring.
My impression is that my wife is happy as it is.

But as I am having stress within my job (many layoffs) I feel a lot of pressure as I am the backbone of our family. I start having slight depressions and on the other side I am frequently horny. I would love to get some intimacy, closeness and sex that I would feel more connected and loved by my wife.

We never spoke about it but I think my wife is asexuell. I am just fearing that this would ad stress, that again I would get blaimed if I start a discussion about it. And additionally: if for just pleasing me she would lay down with me I would not feel happy that she did something she does not want and she did not feel comfortable about it..

Any suggestion or advice from a women who is asexual? How did you solve that your man has needs that you cannot share? Do you also just ignore that he would feel harmed if you never show some closeness?

Many thanks in advance! In

So, I have recently been learning more ab different types of attraction as I got to know my asexuality better (I was trying to figure out if there was a specific label I liked (gray-ace!) and stumbled across the many a new term along the way) and I have a question. Why are we calling it sensual attraction? For those who don't know, based on my – admittedly small amount of – reseach it is wanting to have some sort of physical contact with someone, be that hugging, cuddling, holding hands, etc., I have no problem w ppl wanting a word for that, my problem is that the word sensual has a sexual connotation in nearly every other place it would be used. The literal google definition is 'relating to or involving gratification of the senses and physical, especially sexual, pleasure'. I understand why the word might fit the bill, but when most ppl – including me when I first came across it – see/hear that word they would think of smth sexual in some sense. I feel like having a term that, for the most part, would not be referring to sex, be defined by a word that, for the most part, REFERS TO SEX, is a very bad idea. It js opens the door for miscommunication and confusion for everybody involved. So, am I alone in this? And can we change the term before it hits the main stream?

I would also like to add that if this is the wrong subreddit or flair (?) for this post, pls lmk and I will do my best to fix it. I don't rly use reddit outside of random questions, I actually started this account PURELY to ask this question (hence the username) so I don't rly fully know the rules regarding all of the different subreddits and what goes where. This is actually my third time posting this (I posted it in the aromantic and queer subreddits b4 but it got taken down – which is COMPLETELY okay as I had clearly stated b4 if this wasn't the right subreddit pls js lmk (or take it down ig)– in both) so I'm rly hoping this is the right place. Sorry again if this is the wrong place and thank you in advance for answering my question ❤️

So, I’ve noticed quite a few people asking “Am I ace?” here (helpful flair and all, haha), and—as an aroace AuDHD person—I felt compelled to write up a breakdown based on my own experiences and what I’ve learned over the years.

The simplest answer to what “asexual” means:

Someone who is asexual experiences little to no sexual attraction toward others.

That’s it. Full stop.

Your relationship to actually having sex—whether you enjoy the physical feeling, feel repulsed by it, find it interesting, or don’t care about it one way or another—does not, by itself, determine whether you’re asexual.

You can enjoy the physical sensations of sex without being sexually attracted to the person you’re having sex with.

You can find sex disgusting, fascinating, boring, neutral, or anything in between.

Sexual behavior does not directly determine sexual attraction.

Asexuality is about attraction, not action.

If you want to dig deeper, there are also labels under the asexual umbrella that describe more specific experiences.

For example:

• Gray-asexual / gray-ace: experiencing sexual attraction rarely, weakly, or under limited circumstances.
• Demisexual / demi-ace: experiencing sexual attraction only after forming a close emotional bond.

Those labels are there if they help you. You don’t have to use them if they don’t.

“What if I can’t tell whether I feel sexual attraction?”

Honestly? If you’re unsure whether you’ve ever felt sexual attraction, or you genuinely can’t tell what sexual attraction is supposed to feel like, I think it’s completely reasonable to identify as asexual if the label feels helpful.

And here’s the important part:

Only you can label your own attraction.

No one else can climb into your brain and tell you what you feel. No one can decide your identity for you. No one can stop you from using the label that helps you understand yourself.

Your identity can change and still be valid.

You might identify as asexual now and later realize a different label fits better.

That does not mean you were lying to yourself.

That does not mean it was “just a phase”.

That does not mean you were wrong.

That does not mean anything was wrong with you.

It just means you learned more about yourself, or your experience changed. People change. Brains are funny like that.

Personal example: I used to be strongly repulsed by anything related to sex for no clear reason—until my brain spontaneously decided, at age 28, that it was no longer repulsed.

It even chose sex as a special interest, because apparently my brain enjoys plot twists.

That didn’t mean I had finally “grown up” or “matured”. I had already been a legal adult for a decade.

I had simply changed.

And the fact that I’m no longer sex-repulsed doesn’t make me any less aroace.

It also doesn’t mean I was wrong to be repulsed before. That was my experience at the time, and it was real.

Final thought:

If the asexual label helps you understand yourself, you’re allowed to use it.

You don’t need to prove you’re “ace enough”.

You don’t need to know exactly how you’ll feel forever.

You’re allowed to explore, question, change, and still be valid the whole way through.

Hope this helps. 🖤 🩶 🤍 💜

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TL;DR: You’re allowed to question. You’re allowed to use the label. You’re allowed to change. Your current experience still counts.

Hey all, I'm a 33 year old man and this has been buzzing in my head for a good while to be honest so decided to bite the bullet and ask here, sorry for the word vomit in advance. I am almost sure I am somewhere in the a-umbrella. But I am not sure if it is due to me maybe having trouble with the concept of attraction. I can not really be sure what sexual/romantic attraction is other than thinking "oh it would be fun to have sex with this person", or is it a "you'll know it when you feel it" kind of thing.

I do masturbate but I know that doesn't really exclude someone from being ace. But I realized I did not really go through the very horny teenager phase a lot of my peers had (like going multiple times a day every day) and for me it was more of a thing to do I guess rather than fulfilling a need if that makes sense. I usually use porn but I realised a lot of people imagine themselves as one of the actors and I never did that, for me it was essentially "something sexual is happening on the screen". But from day to day I have preferences in what I watch so I am not exactly sure. Kissing/Making out etc. had been fairly enjoyable when I did it so I don't think I am sex-repulsed.

Romantically I have the same confusion I guess. I've had a couple "starts" that did not really go anywhere, mostly either happened because the other side pursued me or just circumstances arose. I felt a lot of people put too much weight into finding/having a relationship that I am not sure I feel. I am currently single and being in a relationship doesn't sound too crucial to me, I might still be happy in a relationship but to be honest I don't know how it differs from a really close friendship, aside from the sex (that usually accompanies romantic relationship but not always I know) and the expectation of commitment. But that also differs for a lot of people so don't have a clear picture on that. I think what I feel about that is closer to "might regret if I don't go for it"

I did not really date around in high school (was not really that social during it I guess, was a new transfer to a school where everyone knew eachother for years.) Felt like I missed out for not experiencing much in that time but looking back I am not sure that the people I was "interested in" were mostly the girls I had close proximity with and I had perceived personal interest from them (not necessarily romantic). I still find people interesting, especially people with nerdy/artsy vibes etc. But I am not sure if "this person seems cool and interesting" adds up to a kind of attraction so I am stumped.

At this point I'm interested in untangling this, as I am not sure I am able to differentiate the parts of what I actually feel and where I am emulating what I am "supposed to" feel. I think I am somewhere in the umbrella but can not pin down where (but at this point I am not putting too much weight on it since it has minimal impact on how I live/what I do I guess).

So, I'm still in school and neurodivergent, and I know about all forms of sex ;/. I think this was sorta a hyperfixation, bc I researched about sex I have no idea why just thinking about doing it makes me want to barf when I'm not in that 'trance', and recently I've felt like vomiting more (prob bc I looked up sex videos ew why tf did I do that??) and I have trouble sleeping bc stress. And I mean I know abt all forms of sex, not gonna go too deep into it ofc, knowing this community, but I would look up sex stories and videos etc, (pls don't judge ) and I'm just repeating myself, I'm so bad at grammar lol. Like, when I think about sex I think ew and want to barf But part of me goes: oooh, interesting... I've been trying to keep myself from doing this, bc I ended up yk whating myself, and I'm feeling better. I like someone afab but they them pronouns and gender fluid, they like me, but it seems only sometimes, which is fair, I have a history of annoying people :D, but I think it's kinda stressing me out, (I have a post I made I guess I'll put the link in the comments,) and I feel slightly sexually attracted to them, but barely, and they make this face at me sometimes and I have to look away. I'm so confused rn. Am I asexual or something else?