I’m obviously not talking about the parents that don’t project their insecurities onto their kids. But I feel like even those are rare. Most of the time when parents hate themselves, they make their kids hate themselves too.

All my childhood I was told I was too fat, too dumb, too unpopular, wasting my youth, etc, etc, etc. And when I grew up I realized my parents didn’t even think think highly of themselves.

My mom is constantly moping about not feeling pretty and blah blah blah, then turns around and makes me feel just as ugly. Part of it is they view us as an extension of themselves. So they feel twice as ugly. Not my problem, I didn’t ask to be born to be projected upon.

And since they’ve wrecked my self esteem too, let me not repeat the cycle. I’m never having kids.

I’m an only child 22F, who’s been labeled as a “tom boy” her whole life, my parents tried to force and guilt trip me in dresses as a kid, I CAN wear dresses when I want to, but even now overall I dress very androgynous.

Everyone in my family suspects I’m gay, which I am, my cousins know, they don’t pay it much mind.

The older relatives though, are heavily religious and judgmental and conservative, esp my moms family. I thought my dad was different because his side of the family are liberals, only he is the conservative, I came out to him and he told me what I was doing was making me not his daughter and that he would tell my mom if I disobeyed him.

Growing up, I was very mediocre for an Asian kid. The only thing I wanted was to make my parents proud and feel like their suffering and sacrifices were worth something. I went through 7 years of Sunday school to be confirmed in the church for my mom, went to church, was obedient and polite. In my head I wanted to be so successful with such a highly praised character that my sexual orientation would be an afterthought to my family. The guilt of not being anything close to what my parents envisioned for me gives me guilt.

i went to my hometowns university and graduated a semester early and got a full time a few months after. I’m still living at home, but I have a gf.

I’m living a double life. I don’t want to live at home forever or even for a few more years. My mom is grating and always on me about something even though she says she’s proud, but I’m so conflicted, she had narcissistic parent traits at times, I can’t confide in her about ANYTHING.

Part of me just wants to tell my family I’ll be on a vacation for a few weeks while it’s really me moving away. I just want to be left alone and be my own person.

TW: mentions of child sexual abuse, emotional abuse, depression

I'm in my early 30s, going through a separation, and I'm looking for anyone who's been in a similar place, especially with family who blames you instead of supporting you

Growing up
When I was 14, I was groomed and sexually abused by my tuition teacher, a man in his 30s. It went on for about a year. My mother suspected something was happening, but instead of protecting me, she looked at me with disgust, as if I had done something wrong. I was a bright, sensitive kid, and home was already unstable

Education
I did well academically and got into a top university on scholarship. Every year I sent my scholarship money home to my dad, who had also taken out an education loan in my name. In my final year I asked to keep the scholarship for myself, just once, for trips and expenses with friends. My father flew into a lot of rage multiple times at this request

Work
When I started working and living away from home, my parents demanded a large share of my salary. My father fought with me constantly over money, asked me for a ledger of my expenses, and once called me a "witch" who would ruin the family. Things settled only when I got a high-paying job and could send enough home. Then my parents moved in with me, into a home I paid for entirely. They controlled a lot of my freedom. When the pandemic hit, we were stuck together under one roof after years of living apart, and I slipped into depression. I was carrying unprocessed trauma from the abuse, from a string of bad relationships, and from my parents

Relationships
After the abuse, I went from one unhealthy relationship to another, with people who weren't good for me. My first college boyfriend cheated on me and I stayed anyway. Eventually I met someone I genuinely liked as a person

Marriage
After the pandemic, all I wanted was independence. My father raged when I said I wanted to move to another city, but I fought and moved anyway. I was dating this man I liked, though I didn't have strong romantic feelings for him, and there was pressure from everywhere to get married. So I did, without really understanding what I wanted. I felt emotionally distant from him even before the wedding, but I was too lost to make sense of it

Therapy
Six months ago I started therapy and treatment. I've since been diagnosed with depression, autism, ADHD and trauma-related anxiety. I've learned so much about myself and my marriage. Three years in, my husband and I realised we're good friends, not partners, and we're separating. It was mostly my decision, and he accepted it. He's been very understanding, given everything I've been through

Now
My family is making this incredibly hard. They barely talk to me and don't ask how I'm doing. They cry all day, visit astrologers, and push me to do remedies. I've calmly explained many times that we aren't compatible and that my inner voice tells me this isn't right for me. I've gone from one relationship to the next my whole life. I've never lived alone. I've never figured out what I actually want, and now I want to do that

But they treat me like the villain

I'm so angry. They didn't protect their child when she went through hell as a teenager. They called her a witch and raged at her. Now that she's struggling with her mental health, they blame it on her stars and on the fact that she doesn't pray to god

What I'm hoping for:

Has anyone gone through a divorce without family support? How did you cope?

How do you deal with this kind of anger toward parents, especially when they don't acknowledge the past at all?

Did you ever confront them, did they ever understand your pain and their part in it, or find peace without it?

Hi everyone! It feels so surreal being the one to post on here haha. Sorry for any typos or confusion on the post, this is my first time posting something like this.

I am a 25F in the US, currently attending a grad school with a graduate assistantship job.

Just some basic background and info of myself:

* Graduate assistantship covers 100% of my tuition with about $800/month stipend. On a 12 months contract with a possibility to renew for my second year (my master program is 2 years, currently in my first semester). I am an international student, so this is my full-time job and sole income during my program.
* Parents come from a mild Muslim/Central Asian background. They are not the most devout Muslims (none of the women in the family are hijabis, my father's casual drinking, etc.) I am not listing these to shame how they practice, just providing more clear family dynamic. I am not actively-practicing Islam as well anyway, though I have not discussed that with them. However, they are heavily focused on reputation and purity culture (how others would see us, not being allowed to use tampons because you have not been "married" yet, possibly wanting their daughters to stay until marriage, etc.).
* They want me home by 11PM. No sleepovers at my best friend's which they have known her since high school. Some additional similar rules like this. I follow the rules because I live in their house. But, I do feel like sometimes these just get me to some level I just want to explode, especially seeing my friends around my age living without these rules🥲

The environment is so tense that my chest hurts when I hear them on the stairs, and I actively avoid going to the kitchen to eat because I do not want to see them or risk my father giving me a random lecture sometimes.

The breaking point happened recently. My mother found a photo of my Black partner (27M) in my room, whom I’ve been dating for 1.5 years. She has never met him, but she used explicitly racist slurs to describe his appearance based solely on the picture. She said that I was a disappointment, and she cannot endure how others would think if they find out her daughter is with a black man. She gave me an ultimatum to break up or move out, but asked me to keep this a secret from my father because he had a serious illness a few years ago and do not want him under stress anymore.

I have decided to quietly move out into my partner's place (he lives alone and is fully supportive). He has offered to cover the rent, and my stipend will easily cover groceries and put aside some additional money into my personal savings too. I also have $25k in personal savings already that I saved from my previous job if things go south with living with a partner too. Also, I do have other support system like my best friend who have also offered me a place to stay.

My exit plan is this:

* Moving my clothes and documents gradually over the next few weeks. All important documents are in my possession.
* The day I leave, I am planning to leave a physical letter as well as send an email to both parents stating I moved closer to an apartment near campus for my school, workload, and stress (I commute now, school is about 25mins drive, so primary it is not due to heavy workload, but I just cannot state out the reason considering my mother also wanted my partner's existence to be kept secret). They are also no way would approve of me living with a man until I am married and handed off to my husband, so don't think I will mention that even if my father knew.
* I am keeping my address private, and setting a boundary that all future communication must be via email. I am blocking my parents' numbers, but I will like to keep contact with my younger sister (19F) who still be living them.

I am absolutely terrified of their reaction. They have done so much for me. Moving to the US, paying for my undergrad's tuition, providing me a house and a car (will not take the car, title under my father's name), etc. Just overall immigrant eldest daughter guilt. I was the one to call insurance or companies to figure stuff out for them, and now, I am deciding to just up and leave. Just like that. It feels completely surreal that I am having to do this.

Has anyone else executed a quiet exit like this? How did you handle the intense fear and the guilt right before walking out the door? Any blind spots in my plan?

P.S. I do have a therapist for all of this mental load. I have not told her about my plan since the interaction with my mother just happened a week ago. But, I am discussing these emotions with mental health professional as I try to figure out myself.

My best guess on why they're doing this is:

- Most APs are mentally fucked in the head, they don't care about their child's growth, they just want a quick dose of power trip by abusing their own child.

- They take out their anger & frustration on their own child because they can get away with it, since in Asian's culture, "abusing your child, talking down on your child" is seen as "lecturing them, teaching them discipline".

and I'm sure there are many more fucked up reasons.

They wanna lower your self-esteem so much, it's almost like your parent is your enemy.

Sorry but I just want a quick vent because my AM made my blood boil 5 hours ago. And I just wanna say, I genuinely wish my AM had not used this fucked up parenting style to raise me (from when I was a little kid to now). It has done extreme damage on my mental health. I will try my best to improve it.

For context, I’m 32, a single mom, and I co-parent with my ex-husband. My daughter and I have been living at my mom’s house since the separation, but I pay for the bills and basically all my own expenses.

I spoke with my ex, and he’ll be taking our 10-year-old daughter to spend Christmas and New Year with him and his family in Hawaii. We take turns spending the holidays with her, and this year is his turn.

So that leaves just me, my mom, and my younger brother, who’s unemployed and struggling with depression, at home for the holidays.

Honestly, I don’t want to spend three weeks at home while my daughter is away because I know we’ll probably just do our own thing and barely interact anyway. I thought it would be a good opportunity to take a solo trip abroad for those three weeks and enjoy some time for myself.

But my mom is making a HUGE deal out of it. She keeps insisting that Christmas is important and that it’s always supposed to be a family event. Mind you, I’ve spent every Christmas with her for the past 32 years, and we don’t even do anything particularly special. 😂 Apparently, it doesn’t matter whether we actually spend quality time together or do anything meaningful. The important thing is that I’m physically there at home.

Now I’m being guilt-tripped and called ungrateful, and she’s even threatening to throw my belongings out if I leave. She’s also saying that my decision is going to give her a heart attack. 😭

I genuinely don’t understand this mindset. I’m 32, I pay my own way, and I just want to spend the holidays doing something for myself for once. Why does wanting to travel alone automatically mean I’m abandoning my family or being ungrateful? Lol.

Yesterday my parents called me and told me they wanted to take a 3 hour drive to come to my place to surprise me, even though I had plans. However, because I don’t like “surprises,” they said they wouldn’t be showing up. Awesome! This has been a recurring annoyance with them, that I’m just so fucking ungrateful every time they gift me any thing. Well, Let me be clear:

I don’t hate surprises. I just hate the ones that you plan.

Since I was a kid, I’ve always been outside of the typical Indian woman persona that they’d want for me. I was pretty tomboyish, preferred comfortable clothing and I guess more “masculine” things. I’ve also just never cared about how expensive things are, but more so how good of a deal something is. (As an adult I love thrifting, visiting flea markets, and lowballing on Facebook marketplace lolol)

So because this is a problem I guess, my parents bought me “surprises.” Fancy Indian dresses that were too tight and uncomfortable and jewelry that weighed down my ears and hurt to wear. All paired with the genuine expectation that I would absolutely adore everything they bought me. Obviously I didn’t really find material things like that all that interesting as a kid, but they would push this idea on me that “it’s expensive! You should like it because it’s expensive! It’s feminine! These are things you should like! Why don’t you like them, you ungrateful child!” Cue yelling, hitting me, whatever.

It just became easier to say that I hated surprises. For a while I really thought I did, since every gift I had been given hadn’t really been a gift, but an assignment. A moral callout of me failing to fit into that traditional mold of a desirable Indian woman.

One of my friends surprised me with a simple deodorant (yes really) I had desperately wanted, and I felt loved, and seen. You.. took the time to get me something… I wanted? You thought about me when you bought me this?

We’re best friends. And, we’ve both spoken in detail to each other about the moral failings of our Asian parents. She brought up how “any stranger that observes me on the day to day could simply see how I present myself and pick out something I would like better than our own parents who raised me from birth ever could. Isn’t that sad?”

And well, it is.

Because it’s like you don’t even know me.

i’m 25f, south asian/muslim and living at home with my parents in canada. i’m seriously considering moving out because of my relationship with my mom and would really appreciate advice from people who have dealt with something similar, especially other south asian/muslim women
this isn’t about one argument. it’s a repeating pattern. whenever we disagree it turns into everything my parents have sacrificed for me, how ungrateful i am, how much “freedom” i’ve been given, my social life, the person i’m trying to get engaged to and what kind of daughter i am. she also swears at me and says horrible things during arguments
another part of the pattern is that she’ll tell me something is completely fine beforehand and then later start an argument about me doing that exact thing. even if i communicate my plans and she agrees to them i can still come home and have them thrown back at me
during our latest argument she asked me “what sacrifices have you ever made for us?” so i answered and gave examples of things i’ve compromised on for my family. afterward she told me those sacrifices were nothing compared to what she and my dad have done for me. i wasn’t trying to compare myself to them. she literally asked me what i had ever sacrificed and then used my answer against me
another recurring issue is me going to toronto. i genuinely don’t go that often. i used the past few months as an example during our argument. i went for two days in august for the birthday of the person i’m trying to get engaged to and a concert, nowhere in september and then two days in october for my birthday and his half marathon
i also don’t stay at my partner’s place when i’m there. our families are involved and we’re actively trying to move toward an engagement and marriage
even these occasional two day trips become a huge issue. she can know about my plans beforehand and say they’re fine and then afterward start a massive argument about the fact that i went
after this argument she sent me several long voice messages about how much freedom she has given me and how she’s never stopped me from travelling, celebrating birthdays or spending time with the person i’m trying to marry. she also told me that if i don’t like living there i’m welcome to move out
then she told me i should be ashamed for hurting my mother and that i had taken her baddua
for anyone unfamiliar, baddua is basically a negative prayer or curse and there can be a really heavy cultural and religious significance attached to a parent’s dua or baddua
she told me to “be ready” because nothing good is going to happen to me in life. she said i’m going to face losses because i made my mother cry and told me “mark my words”
this has really gotten into my head. logically i know my mom being angry doesn’t determine my future but hearing your own mother tell you to expect suffering and loss because you upset her is horrible
she then listed everything she has done for me throughout my life like teaching me to walk, hold a pencil, read and write and raising me. i appreciate what my parents have done for me but it feels like being raised created a lifelong debt that gets brought up whenever i disagree with them
if i defend myself i’m ungrateful. if i say i’m an adult i’m disrespectful. if she asks what i’ve sacrificed and i answer her then my sacrifices are nothing compared to theirs. she can swear at me and say horrible things but if i react then the issue becomes how i speak to my mother
she also dragged my relationship into it. she mocked me for supporting my partner at his half marathon and sarcastically said next time he has a swimming competition i should sit there with a banner too and that i might as well follow him to all his office events
she told me he’s watching how i treat her and might eventually think “if she doesn’t care about the mother who gave birth to her why would she care about me?” and that one day he could use this against me
she also calls me going out and enjoying myself “ayashi” and says my ehsaas for my parents is dying because apparently all my consideration is for him, my friends and parties
then the argument expanded to her health, everything she does around the house, our dog, my upbringing and my entire character. none of this was even the original issue
after all of this she sent another message about our engagement. we’re considering a longer engagement and she told me to consult my partner and give her a “solid” and “logical” reason for why we would wait around two years to get married because she expects his mother to ask her
so somehow i’m too invested in him and don’t care enough about my mom but i’m also supposed to coordinate with him to justify our marriage timeline to both families
i’m exhausted. my mom can be loving and there are completely normal periods between conflicts which is part of why i’ve questioned myself for so long. but when conflict happens this pattern keeps coming back
what makes it especially exhausting is that i don’t feel like i can prevent it by communicating better. she can tell me something is okay and then initiate a fight about it afterward anyway
i don’t plan on responding to these voice messages. i don’t want to defend every trip, prove i’m grateful enough for being raised or debate whether i’m destined to suffer because my mom cried after an argument
i’m seriously considering moving out. i know living in ontario is expensive and i’m also worried about the cultural fallout of moving out as an unmarried south asian/muslim daughter. i can already imagine being accused of abandoning my parents or choosing the person i’m trying to marry over my family
but i also don’t want to spend the next few years trying to prevent the next explosion when the rules seem to change after the fact anyway
for anyone who has lived through something similar, did moving out help? did distance improve your relationship? did you arrange housing and finances before telling your parents? how did you deal with the guilt and family backlash?
and especially for other muslims or south asians, how did you deal with the fear of baddua? i can already imagine something completely normal going wrong months from now and hearing “nothing good will happen to you” and “mark my words” in the back of my head
i’m not saying i’m a perfect daughter or have never hurt my mom’s feelings. i just don’t think being an imperfect daughter means i should live in fear that upsetting my mother will cause god to punish me or ruin my future
does moving out sound reasonable at this point and if so how would you prepare for it?
i’m not looking for relationship or marriage advice. i’m looking for advice about my relationship with my mother, whether this pattern is emotionally abusive and whether moving out helped anyone who grew up in a similar household.

tldr:
i’m 25f, south asian/muslim and my mom will tell me things are fine and then later start fights about them. arguments regularly turn into swearing, guilt about everything my parents have sacrificed, criticism of my independence and relationship and being called ungrateful. after our latest argument she told me i had taken her baddua, that i’ll face losses and that nothing good will happen to me. i’m seriously considering moving out and want advice from people who’ve dealt with similar family dynamics

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I'm writing this because I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I'm emotionally exhausted, feel trapped, and desperately need practical advice from people who might have experienced something similar.

I'm an adult woman from India, and my parents are forcing me toward an arranged marriage even though I don't want one. I want to choose my own partner and decide how I want to live my life. I have a boyfriend whom I love, but my parents don't accept our relationship and want me to end it.

Things have gone far beyond disagreements about marriage.

My parents have threatened to kill me and my boyfriend. They have also told me to jump from the top of a building. There has been shouting, threats, and constant emotional pressure.

They are also threatening to file police complaints against me, my boyfriend, and my friends. They say they will get our jobs taken away and ruin our lives. I'm frightened about what they might do if I continue refusing to follow their wishes.

I feel like they want to control every part of my life, including my relationship, career, and future. I'm scared that the people I love will also suffer because of this situation.

The arranged marriage pressure never stops, even when I say no.

I've already refused three guys in arranged marriage proposals, but my parents still haven't stopped. They keep insisting that I meet another guy and say they will go to a pandit to match our kundalis. I've already told them I don't want to meet him, but they keep repeating that I have to.

The biggest problem is that they simply don't accept my answer. If I say no, they keep repeating the same demands over and over until I become exhausted. It feels like they believe that if they pressure me long enough, I'll eventually say yes.

They don't let me speak properly. They interrupt me, curse at me, and use abusive language. Most of the time, I start crying and become unable to explain myself. I can't even finish what I'm trying to say before they interrupt me again.

I feel completely helpless during these conversations. I have tried saying no, but it doesn't seem to matter to them. They continue as though my decision doesn't exist.

I'm starting to hate my parents because of everything I'm going through.

I cry because of them, and even talking to them leaves me stressed and emotionally drained. Sometimes, even a small conversation makes me feel overwhelmed. My heart starts beating very fast, and I experience heaviness in my chest. I feel anxious and frightened, and I don't know how to make these feelings stop.

Home doesn't feel like home anymore. I don't feel safe or peaceful around them. I dread going back and feel like I have to be constantly careful about what I say because I'm afraid of their reactions.

I don't want to be forced into a marriage I don't consent to. I want to continue my relationship, keep my job, and live my own life without being threatened.

I'm not looking for advice to buy more time.

My parents already know when I'm trying to delay things, so that isn't going to work. They don't take my refusals seriously, and I don't believe another conversation explaining my feelings will change anything.

I want to know how to actually get out of this situation and protect my right to make my own decisions.

My questions are:

\\- Has anyone experienced something similar in India, where parents refused to accept their decision not to marry someone?

\\- How did you stop your parents from arranging more meetings after you had already refused several proposals?

\\- What can I do when my parents interrupt me, abuse me, and keep pressuring me until I feel too exhausted to continue saying no?

\\- How can I protect myself if they threaten to file police complaints against me, my boyfriend, and my friends?

\\- Can they interfere with our jobs, and what practical steps can we take to protect ourselves?

\\- How can I become financially and practically independent when I'm worried about threats and retaliation?

\\- If I refuse to meet a prospective groom, how can I protect myself if my parents escalate the situation?

\\- For those who have managed to leave a similar situation, what actually helped you become independent and build a peaceful life?

One last thing about my mental health.

I have thyroid issues and psoriasis, and my mental health has deteriorated significantly. I'm unable to sleep properly at night. The doctor at my office prescribed sleeping medication, but it hasn't been working.

I'm now looking for a psychiatrist because I feel I can no longer handle everything on my own.

Sometimes I feel so hopeless that I pray to God to let me die, or for my family members to die, because I desperately want the situation and the pain to end. My anger and despair have become frightening to me, and I don't know how to cope with these feelings anymore.

I feel like I'm losing myself while trying to deal with my family. I want to find a way out before my mental health deteriorates further.

If anyone has been through something similar, please share what actually worked for you. I'm looking for practical solutions, advice on protecting myself, and ways to become independent—not just suggestions to wait, keep explaining myself, or try to convince my parents again.

I genuinely need help figuring out what to do next.

I feel like it’s different in the US but in the UK when you come out and publicly say your parents have been abusive to you, you get a lot of backlash from the British Asian community saying that you shouldn’t be posting that at all, respect your parents, they’re only living for the first time etc but what about US? aren’t we living for the first time too?

There’s a small amount of South Asians who have come out with stories of their abuse that they’ve endured from their parents and all they get is that same backlash? Do you want our community to progress or not.

It’s hard doing that alone, we need more people to actually get out of that backward mindset our parents have but you get called ‘whitewashed’ for doing so. Oh, and if you’re a woman who chose to move out of their abusive Asian household they harass you endlessly for it btw and call you a ‘western feminist’.

Meanwhile they have always lived in the west enjoying the comforts of a liberal country…

I don’t get why the diaspora is like this, didn’t you also get abused aswell? You don’t see a problem with our culture at all?

a lot of the diaspora are exactly like our parents, and I think it has to do with the fact that a lot of the British Asian diaspora are too afraid of standing up to their parents or are so religious to the point where they’re regressing.

Can anybody else relate to this, in any way? I recently turned 30 and my parents have been married over 30 years and I have never seen them show affection to each other, not so much as a hug or kiss in front of us. I have two younger siblings and I'm the eldest for context. As far as I have had consciousness, let's say, they have just endured each other. They were cousins and got put together by parents, and his siblings were put together by parents too, with varying degrees of success. I have read that in some Asian households, sexually conservative ones, they are made to see sex as more taboo and as a way of bringing children into the world and not how you might have people view it in a more liberal way. They haven't slept in the same bed for over 25 years. Of course, I don't know what happened when I wasn't there, and I'm not a gambling man, but if I was, I would be willing to bet that they have not slept together in over 20 years. This kind of informs my view of relationships and when I see other people walking around holding hands, I am taken a little aback. 😂 I'm the oldest from my first cousins too, and the second eldest just got married on the weekend and lots of people at the wedding said "your turn next". I feel like saying to my parents, "with a child seeing your guy's relationship, can you blame them for being hesitant about marriage. Couldn't get two more different people in terms of world view as well. Dad is a communist/atheist and mum is a devout Muslim, and I'm somewhere in between. 😂

I (31M) have a wedding coming up in the city where my parents live. I live in a different city and need a tuxedo. I told my dad I’d get it rented and fitted where I live before flying out.

He suggested I buy a suit or tux and take it to a tailor he knows near him, who he says can do the fitting in a single day. I don’t know this woman, and I’ll only have one day in town before the wedding. Maybe she can pull it off, maybe she can’t, but I didn’t want to leave something this important up to chance. So I said I’d rather get it done at home.

My dad got really upset. He took it to mean I don’t believe him and that I don’t respect him. He said he has never lied to me in his entire life. In the heat of the moment, I brought up the time a few years ago when I let him take my W-2 to his accountant, who filed my taxes in his state even though I don’t live there. That state then sent me a letter saying I owed thousands of dollars. That was years ago, and I probably shouldn’t have dragged it into this argument. Now he thinks I blame him for everything and that I don’t like him.

For context, we’re Vietnamese and he’s in his late 50s. I think he sees saying yes to his offers as the way a child shows respect, so my “no” felt like a rejection of him and not just a decision about logistics. Honestly, I feel like I have to say yes to everything he asks for him to feel respected. We’ve never had a particularly close relationship, and I want one, but I’m starting to feel like it will never happen because of how he reacts to things.

I do believe him that the tailor could probably do it in a day. I just don’t want to risk the one day I have. And I don’t want to become a yes-man to keep the peace.

How do I move forward? Has anyone dealt with a parent who takes every “no” as disrespect? How did you keep the boundary while still showing you care?

Hi, everyone. I'm 18F living in the Philippines, and I'm planning to leave my abusive home. I'm hoping to hear from Filipinos who have gone through something similar or know how these situations work legally.

My mother has been physically and emotionally abusive for years. She's manipulative, violent, and often gaslights me. My father is also part of the problem. He's emotionally unavailable and has never really been someone I could rely on for support.

Here are just two examples of what I've experienced.

When I was 16, my mother wanted me to keep my hair long. I wanted to trim it a little, not even anything drastic, but she got furious when she noticed. She beat me so badly that my back bled. She then grabbed a pair of scissors and shoved them in my face.

Another time, I was already exhausted from balancing academics, sports, and responsibilities at home. I wasn't in the right state of mind, and I received a 75 in one of my subjects. My mother got angry and questioned why my classmates passed but I didn't. I tried to explain that I was exhausted and felt that my professor disliked me. I admit that I yelled because I felt like she wasn't listening to me. Suddenly, she hit me in the face with an arnis stick. I ended up with a black eye that lasted a week and a blood clot in my eye. Instead of comforting me, my father got angry because I was crying loudly.

These are just a few of the many things that have happened. I've reached a point where I desperately want to leave this house and finally have some peace.

Thankfully, I have a friend whose family is willing to let me stay in a room for free. I also have friends who are willing to help me find work. I'm a scholar, and I've been finding ways to earn money on my own. I've already started gathering my important documents, although my savings are still very limited.

My plan is to leave sometime this December, either before or after I turn 19. I'm trying to prepare as much as I can before making this decision.

My biggest fear is the legal consequences.

I'm worried that my parents might report me as a missing person, file a case against me, or try to get the family I'm staying with in trouble. I want to know what could realistically happen under Philippine law if I leave home voluntarily. Could my parents legally force me to return? Could the family helping me face legal problems simply for allowing me to stay with them?

I'm also unsure whether I should involve the barangay or the police before leaving, especially given the physical abuse I've experienced. I'm afraid that involving them might make things worse, but I also don't want to make a decision without understanding my options.

For those who have left an abusive household in the Philippines, especially those who left while still young:

• How did you leave, and how did you handle your parents' reaction?
• Did your parents report you as missing or try to use the law against you?
• If someone let you stay with them, did they experience any legal problems?
• Would you recommend speaking to the barangay, the police, or another organization before leaving?
• What should I prepare legally and financially to protect myself?

I'm not leaving because I want to hurt my family or cause problems. I just want to live somewhere safe, become independent, and have a chance to build my own life.

I'm genuinely scared, and I don't have much money yet, so I'd really appreciate practical advice from people who understand the situation in the Philippines. Please share your experiences or any reliable legal resources you know.

Thank you for reading.

Yesterday parents got into some sort of fight yesterday afternoon. I didn't hear the entire thing but I know it had something to do with her being frustrated that my dad acts like he can't function completely normal because of his low blood pressure that's developed more the past few years. I do think to an extent that my dad does use it as an excuse for many things now, but I never involve myself in their fights.

Well I guess she wanted to clean all of a sudden out of anger and she asked me to take some things upstairs and I responded that I would. The problem is that she kept asking me every 5 minutes when I was trying to finish something and I didn't realize it was an urgent thing. Naturally I got annoyed because I had to pause whatever I was in the middle of doing and I told her that she doesn't need to tell me every 5 minutes. Then she decides to make a comment that I never do anything in the house/sit around all day and my desk is a mess.

My mental health has taken a nosedive in the past couple of months so recently it's been hard for me to be productive on the weekends. Naturally I don't bring this up with my Asian parents because they won't understand and they'll just coldly lecture on me on how I need to try more. But today I was just really annoyed with my mom and I just snapped saying something along the lines of how she's only being in a snappy mood because of something that happened with my dad earlier and is taking it out on me. Now she's mad at me calling me disrespectful, ungrateful, and that I inserted myself into her and my dad's business. My dad also told me in the middle of out argument that I was being disrespectful and I told him to shut up because if he didn't use his condition as an excuse for everything this wouldn't even happen.

I realize I might have said some harsh things, but my mom is always like this and my dad can be such a pushover always begging ME to swallow my pride and apologize. I don't have my own car at the moment so my mom usually drives me to work, and while last night she said she won't do anything for me anymore except drive me I angrily told her I can just take an Uber (don't want to deal with any potential snarky comments she'll make in the car ride) and she responded with a cold fine. I already scheduled a ride there and back and my dad wakes up early before my ride comes and begs me to talk it over with my mom and we'll figure something out tonight. I told him to quit it because I'm about to go to work and him trying to talk to me has now put me in a bad mood for the rest of the day.

I'm just very fed up with both of them and I know my mom especially can drag out fights for days or even weeks depending on how angry she is. I'm already feeling conflicted because I'm always conditioned to feel guilty and always the one at fault. I feel like I should apologize so this doesn't get dragged out but I'm already anticipating my mom to make a snide comment, interpret my apology as insincere, and then talk about how much I am in the wrong. THEN after a few days it will get back to normal. I'm just sick of it but for my mental health and peace I want to get it over with.

I am planning on moving out once I have everything financially stable (also planning on taking my dog with me), but I'm just trying to navigate living with my parents for a while longer and constantly having to walk on eggshells whenever my mom gets angry. I do honestly love my parents and part of me stays out of some sort of responsibility since they are getting a lot older and I do want to watch out for my dad. I have an older brother but he has gotten to the point where he has gone completely NC with them and while I respect that and will never pester him about it, I feel like I'm carrying a huge burden. Even though I still love them deep down, I feel like moving out will be a huge weight lifted off my shoulders and having less day to day contact with them would be better.

My AM frequently brings up the fact that she thinks I didn’t marry well enough and that my husbands family is not good enough, and she consistently says to me that “she doesn’t approve” and that I “married down”. I get the fact that she has worked hard and is a self-made woman, therefore she has always set extremely high standards for what I must do and achieve, including my education, work, and the type of man I should consider to marry. But every time she sees me, she has to use the chance to drop her anger and disappointment in my face, and I always come out of it feeling put down, low, and that I’m stupid and have let her down.

This time during my trip with her, she decided to once again me drop her comments on my husband and that “doesn’t approve and looks down on them” and I just couldn’t take it anymore and I yelled back saying why does she need to repeat this in my face so many times, as if I didn’t hear her the first time, and that she constantly makes me feel bad and shit after I spend time with her. She turned the entire thing on me, saying I’m also a disappointment and just “ordinary” because I didn’t attend the ivy leagues for college and I didn’t marry a guy who’s born into wealth. I told her she never once tried to understand me or my feelings, and just constantly demand me to meet all her expectations, as if that is my life duty. She hated the fact that I’ve been talking back to her, and began breaking down and calling me ungrateful and that our relationship is done going forward (This is not the first time she’s done this to me - every time it happens she uses silent treatment on me for 1-2 months). I’m just so emotionally drained and I cried for a long time after she left as it still impacts me mentally.

Pata Hai Aaj Kya Hua
broo today was a fucked up day
im in clg 2nd yr and my younger brother in 11th class. n dude he beats me like shit. i mean voh ghar ka kuch kaam nhi karna na he does he studies n ive always been a bright student n he barely passes.
aaj kanjake the n basically the thing started with a v small thing in which i was totally totally right but dude we(me n my borther) had a fight n dude he beat me up. n my parents dont side with him always trying stop him physically but at that time only my mother was there n she did all but couldnt stop him.
i really need help yrr. like i do most wantedly want to move out but only after clg right 1.5 yrs aur kaise betau yhaa!!
also my parents took our phone away cause just because

eng:
Bro, today was a completely fucked-up day.

I’m in the second year of college, and my younger brother is in Class 11. And dude, he literally beats me up so badly. He doesn’t do any household chores, doesn’t contribute to anything, and all he does is study—and even then, he barely passes. I’ve always been a bright student, unlike him.

Today was Kanjak, and basically, everything started over something really small. I was completely, completely in the right, but my brother and I got into a fight, and he literally beat me up.

My parents don’t always take his side. They usually try to physically stop him, but today, only my mother was home, and she tried her best to stop him but couldn’t.

I genuinely need help, yaar. I really, really want to move out, but I can only do that after college, right? I still have another 1.5 years to go. How the hell am I supposed to survive here until then?

And on top of everything, my parents took our phones away for absolutely no reason. Just because. 😭

TW: Abuse

Even the word pathetic sounds pathetic don’t you think? Pathetic comes off to me as something of low value that holds no standard of life or even a strand of importance.

Pathetic life? That sounds even more absurd, doesn’t it? A life that seems meaningless.

 Let me give you a narrative about “a pathetic life.”

Imagine you grew up in a poor rural area surrounded by dense tall green trees towering with predators; the societal unsaid rules beneath the shadows. Having to live a congested life in a tiny, patched house with lot of people. Seems like no privacy, doesn’t it? Rarely trying to learn new things. But you learn violence; discipline because it’s what you know, it’s what you have seen.

Being a kid, wanting to run outside and play seems fundamental. Coming home to an angry mother who labels abuse; violence as discipline. Oh, she fears what other people, what neighbors would think and truly the fear of judgement. You are young and curious, so you learn that she; “my mother is right.” You think to yourself why should other’s opinion matter and you grow up; you adapt to it and you now become her. You fear what others think. (so what are you called people pleaser ha-ha not to others) Others think you are disciplined because you know to live within limits. Since you don’t dare to question it, what other people think becomes your own thinking.

You come off to adulthood fresh 20 where careers skyrocket which is pretty vulnerable stage of life. But not yours because you are a young girl waiting to be married off. Remember that what others think about is important.

 You don’t have the right to question it because your mother is right. People older than you are always right. Don’t you remember silly?

You grow up thinking my mother is always right. Her violence is your discipline. You follow her into it. You turn 20, 3 months later, you’re married. Your mother-in-law becomes your new mother. She is mean and wants you to know your place.

Your MIL has faced things and now she wants you to also suffer. Your MIL has faced being an orphan, a cheating, alcoholic and abusive husband, poverty; drowning in debts, a dead son in an accident, dead kids due to sickness and her own free spirit being trapped in a loveless marriage.

You are naïve but she is right. Why? She is a mother figure to you now. She says mean things and you tolerate it because you know your place. You don’t know any better because you are young and she is older than you, so she is right.

You know how to cook and clean and that’s the only thing you have learned your whole life. To serve your in-laws. You are 21, you are pregnant. You are struggling financially with the family. But at least your arranged husband loves you, right?

You find chats from his ex-lover asking for your husband’s wellbeing back and forth on his phone. You are helpless, weak and pathetic.

You think “why should I back down?” and go on a popular chatting app and find a guy to talk to. Your husband finds out he is mad, but you beg him and apologize why? because again you are helpless, weak and pathetic. You have no one else to turn to.

 You are no longer familiar from home, from whom you used to call mother and from whom you call mother.

It’s ok though at least you have a loving and supportive dad who has shown nothing but love to you. You deeply appreciate him. He has taught you to remain human and have emotions unlike your mother.

Huh? You find out your dad has passed away. Your child is in you. Your husband doesn’t trust you enough. You are left alone, lonely and pathetic. You don’t have a safe space.

Your mother is left weak and people don’t pity her but pretend to be. Why? Because your sister didn’t know to live within limits like you. She didn’t care what others thought so others looked down upon your family. So, she listened to her heart and eloped.

You couldn’t see someone you idolized your mother feeling that way because she was always right. So being her is your ideal role. You couldn’t tolerate that.

You become aware of what you are feeling. Your in-laws’ reputations aren’t great too. Because they rebel against society unlike you who is supposed to within limits. So, you decide that your child that wasn’t born will be like you.

You give birth, you love her and adore her. She is getting older and she needs senses. So, every time she doesn’t know how to stay within her limits you discipline her like your mother did to you.

But your daughter is a girl, and it should matter to her what others think like it does to you. But she doesn’t seem to care. She is constantly in a banter and arguing with you about the social roles your daughter should show. She doesn’t want the stereotype entitled to her.

She just wants her mom; you, to understand her and be able to share her troubles but you are just like your mother; full of anger and resentment for the society you care more about than your own daughter.

Your daughter isn’t like you, she knows how to deal with her troubles without resentment, but you make her miserable because she isn’t like you. A disciplined, pathetic daughter.

She isn’t like you, and she knows not to pass along the pathetic life. So, she swears to herself to never think about others’ opinion. She won’t care about it nor today neither ever will.

You now have an amazing husband because you stayed within your limits and you both are great partners. Your daughter also has a good dad, but he plays the role of better husband now.

He also doesn’t care about how his daughter feels. He cares about his wife, that’s you, which is good but alongside he has also lost his precious time to spend time to be with your daughter.

He isn’t like your dad to your daughter though he never raised his hand, but he also didn’t say anything. So that feels worse for your daughter. Your daughter never felt the love like you did from your father, but she is grateful he made her get everything she wanted from money but at the cost of the title “Daddy’s little girl”.

But deep inside you are insecure so you reflect it on your daughter, but she doesn’t care what others think. She feels safe with her own self, unlike you who now is middle aged with no concept of fun, friends but “just what they will think?”

Your daughter doesn’t wake up early like you did because she didn’t follow your discipline. You care that these words may go out so you get enraged and say things and words that aren’t pleasant to your daughter “valu” basically hoe, slut or prostitute. There goes her dignity that flowed out like water in seconds.

She fights back for her, which you never did for yourself, so you get enraged that your discipline didn’t work out. You get mad and tremble from anger show much you get red because what will happen if these words get out. WHAT WILL PEOPLE THINK?

So, you start shivering from anger, you shove her onto the walls behind closed doors. You slap your daughter tightly to get senses into her. You pull her arm tightly and tug her shirt onto the wall with wide eyes and red face. You start to choke her neck, but she calls out her dad, so you don’t get too unalive her even though how much you want to because she simply can’t understand your discipline but deep inside, she wants to unalive herself with her own hands not by some monster like you.

After this incident, she truly fears you. She truly fears that her mother is like this, but she will never fear what others think. She has no hope from you and wants to leave this miserable world because you feel harsher than what this world could offer to her.

You fear everything and most importantly fear of judgement. Pathetic.

As someone who feels guilty over the smallest things, it’s unbelievably difficult to deal with the constant guilt tripping from my mom. I can deal with it when my dad does it like once a month, but my mom does is several times a day from the moment I wake up.

I don’t have any self esteem or self worth so I just hate myself so much every time she makes me feel like I’ve messed up.

It’s consuming me 😭😭 I can’t even move out or leave the house for space because I’m a caretaker for another family member.

She’s always there micromanaging my every move and guilt tripping me if I don’t do what she says.

I was on a high dose of antidepressants and benzodiazepines to cope as they blunted my emotions, but I went off them because of side effects, and now I’m really struggling again

I've heard that moving out can show your younger siblings it's possible to leave, but I wasn't sure if it's true.

So i go to a catholic school in subhurb canada near toronto. So a pretty white and rich neighbourhood. I on teh other hand is finacial undstanble (was homeless for three months in gr 9, only reason i wasnt ont he streets was because my great aunt and uncle had spare rooms).

So i recently been opening up to my white firends about more initmate details of my life. I open up to nearly everyone (mainly ppl who cant make a chnage, i neve told an adult caus eik there would be consiquences, also how do u talk to an adult about this). I told them that i would most likely be peered pressured to go into an arrange marriage beacuse of my culture and that Im not allowed to date ppl.

Then one of these fuckers (ex friend) start using it as gossip. We were talking to our art teacher and then she brings up that ill probably end up in an arrangmarraige. And that puts me in a wierd spot cuase my firend apprently doesn't know the difference between an arranged mairrage and a forced marraige and she started rambling off and making a practicle fantasy of me being human trafficked back to pakistan(she literally siad "back to my country", ive lived in canada my whole life and went to pakistan a total of 2 times. Liek hello). SO i had to make a tall lie and joke about my culture.

When i talked to her about it she got offended and just went on how there isnt a difference between the two types of marraiges. Yes forced marraiges r arranged but not vice versa, sometimes ppl dont want to go through the pain of dating aps or smth. Then she went on about hwo she doesn't understand how i could still defend my mom after all the thinsg she did to me (i opened up about my physical abuse wiht her) like im here being im questioning my relationship with my AM constently and stuff.

And then she started to ramble how im an idiot for being brainwashed by her??? And then she showed that she is pretty racist, and talked about how asians are so gullible to abuse. They she started yammering about what SHE WOULD DO in my situation. Like bitch what. And then she started going on about why dont u call cps and stuff. AN dim here like im 17 i would most likely end up homeless and unable to go to uni if i do so. And my mom has thousands of dollars saved up for me and my siblings for school. Then she gold me a gold digger for staying for the money???? SHes my mom, its her job to make sure im educated.

And she is not teh ebst person so its teh leats she can do.

ANd she blamed her nurodivergence for not being able to keep a secrete,

The thing that annoyed me the most was she asked her other (white) friends about their opinion and they put in their own (unwanted) two cents. And it all muddled down to

• WHy dont u move ouuuut
• WHy don't you stand up to her (really? Never thought of that)
• I would never let that happen to me
• Why dont u just leavvvve
• Ask ur grandparents (they r dead and y do u think they act like this?0

ANd then they start talking abotu how i could use their methods and getting away without getting grounded to getting away from getting spanked. Like dude wtf.

Like sorry having my phone be taken away is so much differnt from getting switched.

i get ur concern but pls understand its deeper than that.

When i voiced that do u wanna know whta they said

"I dOn'T bEliEvE tHaT HaPpEneD" . ANd they went on about how no parent would do just such a thing to their child. Then they shamed me for "spreading tall tales". Like fuck off

Funny how none of my poc firends reacted like that and actually gave decent advice.

My other white firends who were there also said similar things, they didn't start spreading stuff liek gossip.

They told me to tell cps. Thing is cps showed up twice as a kid and they didn't do anything. My parents make sure there is no proof of abuse.

So no i cant really ask for help now can i.

The thing that urked me was how she would then complain about getting grounded and how i was so lucky i didnt go through that. girl im grounded for life. Like they r complaining about a curfew for 10pm, im not allowed to leave teh house past 3pm. What r u on??? 10pm isnt that bad.

Anyways just a rant. (not i stopped talking to that firend btw)

Guys, you won't believe what happened today. 😭

Today is Mahanavami, and my mom started comparing me to our neighbour's daughter AGAIN.

Apparently, she woke up at 2 AM, did all her work, prepared prasad for Kanya Puja, fed everyone, and distributed prasad to other people too.

And then there's me. 🙂

My mom started taunting me, saying, "Look at her! She woke up at 2 AM and did so much. And look at you! Your clothes from yesterday are still waiting to be washed, and you haven't even taken a bath yet."

Like, MOM, PLEASE TRY TO UNDERSTAND. 😭

We don't even have the tradition of Kanya Puja in our family, so why am I supposed to wake up at 2 AM just because our neighbour's daughter did? Good for her if she wants to do all that, but that doesn't mean I have to follow the exact same routine.

And about going to the temple yesterday on Maha Ashtami? My mom keeps taunting me for not going.

The thing is, whenever I try to pray, they barely give me two or three seconds before rushing me. How am I supposed to pray properly when I'm constantly being hurried? The place my mom went to was also extremely crowded, with people pushing and shoving everywhere. Why would I want to go somewhere like that when I can't even pray peacefully?

I don't mind other people celebrating festivals differently. I don't judge the neighbour's daughter for waking up early, performing rituals, or distributing prasad. If that's what makes her happy, good for her!

But why am I constantly being made to feel like I'm a disappointment just because I don't do everything the way she does?

And the worst part? It's not just my mom. My younger brother joins in, too. Both of them keep taunting me and comparing me to other people.

I'm honestly exhausted by this constant comparison. It's like whatever I do will never be enough because there's always someone else who's supposedly doing better than me.

I wish my family would understand that I'm my own person, and I don't have to live my life according to someone else's routine or religious practices just to prove that I'm a good daughter.

Why can't they just let me be myself without making me feel guilty about every little thing? :(

​

Hi, I am rn at my last year of A levels(A2 levels), so back when I was in my O levels I had gf, but eventually my father found out and forced us to break up, but from that point onwards, its been more then 1 year and 1 month since then but I am an adult, and I was grounded, my phone was taken(which my dad did not even buy me himself) and I had clinical depression for months after my breakup, but in the last 1 year 1 month I have only gone out with my friends 3 times, yes 3 times, I am adult male who just because he dependent on his parents for his education cannot move out.

And even those 3 times he tracked my location, my father is paranoid men who is fucking headache

Further back then, I was way more open expressive and could talk to people well, now I am just socially drained, I stutter much more then before when people talk to me, I avoid talking to strangers, I feel that my father's narcisstic controlling behaviour has made me into anti social depressed and dude and then he asks why are you so anti social dude you kept me in a cage,

and in my entire life, of 20 years I have only gone out with friends only a dozen times

Yep in 20 years I have only gone out with my friends 12 fucking times, ain't that amazing?

I want to contact someone who survived abusive household and managed to escape as I'm in verge of suicide and physical pain .

My mom was the mean girl.

My dad was a class clown.

At school, I would get good grades, listen to my teachers, find a close group of friends that I could hang out regularly with. I got honor awards, extracurricular recognition, I was even president of the student council by eighth grade.

But at home, I was bullied. Nothing was ever good enough. Only times I would get recognition would be if I got first honors and good grades. My parents really fooled me, but I know it’s really because we were constantly around other people, family events, get togethers, and a happy family was always a performance.

Both of my parents are narcissistic; my mother is a co-authoress who will never admit it, of course. She downplays my achievements, but make sure I know I’ll never good enough. She called me fat in front of all our family friends… I could never understand why. I would get compliments about how pretty I am and how fast I’m growing. My mother would point out that I’m just a carbon copy and anything that I was good at I inherited from her.

My dad was a straight narcissist, he could do no wrong. The worst part was that he was my favorite parent. He was the parent who showed affection, who wanted to spend time with me and my sisters, who wanted us to take lessons and explore sports and travel. Dad is so fun, and I love him so much. Once I started having a mind of my own, I could feel that love going away, and all I felt was hatred.

My dad would remind me that he has no money for my education and no money for college. But he would spend thousands on replacing teeth that became so rotten because of the way he ate.

My parents’ relationship started to decline when I was 14.

I always feel bad for people who were bullied, especially the ones who were driven to hurting themselves or worse. I was lucky enough to have good friends every few cycles of life. Little did I know that people who I thought were going to love me forever would make it clear that they stopped loving me and all I was was an obligation. None of my achievements mattered by the time I was done with grad school.

My dad made it clearer that I’m nothing because I don’t cook and clean, and because I never told him that I was gonna go away for grad school, which made no sense because I told the family as a whole.

My mom spends most of my life telling me that I’m going to hell because I refused to convert from Catholicism to Jehovah Witness; I ended up becoming atheist.

My mom always say that she would be leaving us, that she didn’t care. That we would be our dad’s problem. How ironic that my dad ended up being the one to leave. My mom spends all her time at work and church and never had a genuine feeling to spend time with us.

Why did they become parents? Why did they marry each other? I think I’m going to pass at some point in life, hopefully in old age, with these unanswered questions.

How do I question the parent who decided to stay? How do I make her feel bad, when she doesn’t hesitate to make them feel bad and to remind me that she suffered.

I was a child. I was supposed to feel loved and safe. I never felt that consistently. I always felt avoid and I always felt like I hated myself, because that was all I witnessed: hate.

People who claim they are good because of God and Jesus and their faith and whatever, they believe in, the louder you shout , The more deafened you are to reality.

I’m just sad. Every day I think about how much better it would be if I wasn’t around. How much the pain would stop and I would be at peace. But I decide to turn to therapy, the hardest part is undoing everything I’ve learned and everything I’ve witnessed. Trying not to be a hateful person, but it’s really hard.

I hate myself the most.