My partner has AuDHD, and I have ADHD, depression, and anxiety. We have young kids, not much family nearby to help, and life feels like a pressure cooker lately.

He works full-time and comes home and is such a present, involved dad. He does so much, and I know he needs his own space to decompress. I’m a stay-at-home mom, and I get overwhelmed, too. We’re both carrying a lot.

His diagnosis is relatively new, and honestly, so much makes sense now! I love so many of his quirks and traits, and I want to understand him better and learn how to support him.
Sometimes, though, I feel like I’m annoying him. If I say something and he doesn’t respond, I don’t know whether he needs space, didn’t hear me, or if I’m taking it personally. I struggle with rejection sensitivity, so these moments can be hard, especially when I’m already overwhelmed.
I had a mental health breakdown in the past few months and have started therapy. I’m working on myself and trying to find a balance between respecting his needs and not feeling like I have to suppress my own emotions or make myself smaller.

I love him and want us both to feel understood and supported. I’d really love advice from other neurodivergent couples with kids. How do you balance needing space with needing connection? How do you handle communication, big emotions, and everyday overwhelm when both partners are struggling?

I used ChatGPT to help organize my thoughts because I sometimes struggle to put everything into words, but these are my own feelings❤️

My partner (m, 47, adhd) broke up with me a month ago out of the blue. The months before he started getting more and more overwhelmed with work, the Swedish healthcare system that makes it hard for him to get the helps he needs for his adhd, and the relationship. We have had some communication issues - and already scheduled a time in couples counseling to address these. However, I could feel him building up a wall inside of him and it got harder for me to reach him.
Then I went on a 4-week trip by myself. He had encouraged me to go, and I thought that the space might do him/us good - because one of the stressors was our constant bickering. While I was away we talked on the phone often and he told me he missed me and that he’s looking forward to having me back home. He did seem frustrated about the time difference though and that he couldn’t reach me when he needed to - as he put it.
On my first day back, he all of a sudden said that he’s not sure that he wants to be with me anymore. The next day he texted me that he still wants to go to couples counseling but that he needs space. And yet another week later he broke up with me for good. He said he loved me but he wasn’t in love with me RIGHT NOW. He loves me but he cannot do this RIGHT NOW.
I am still in shock and don’t really understand what’s going on. We really loved each other deeply and even though we had our issues we had still made a conscious decision to work through them. Never in my life had i thought he would break up with me - there was no previous sign of that at all.
I have a feeling that he got scared - during my time away - that he would be losing me (he told me before i left that he was scared I wouldn’t like him when I returned), so that he broke it off before I could. But I wasn’t thinking about it at all. I came back home energized and wanted to work through our problems.
Since then, we have not had much contact. During the first weeks he texted me once (after we bumped into each other) to see if there was anything he could do. He saw that I was quite sad and said he was sorry that it came to this. I replied that there wasn’t and that the situation is what it is.
A few days later he asked me if i had sent him a package. He got a notification that something would be delivered without ordering it. He was scared that I had posted all his stuff - which I didn’t. I thought it was weird that he was relieved that it wasn’t me that sent his - since he broke up with me - so why doesn’t he want his stuff back?(I also thought it was weird that I had posted his stuff in the first place because we live 500m from one another….)
I finally sent him a message last Sunday just to let him know that I’m thinking of him, that I’m not mad and the last messages (or non-existence of them) were quite cold due to me needing to land in all of it. That I am here if he ever wanted to talk. But he hasn’t replied back.

I am quite worried about him too, because I have heard from joint friends that he has not shown up to social events and practice and seems to be isolating himself. I also have the suspicion that he’s started taking amphetamines again. He used to have an issue with it about 20 years ago, the last 10 years he hadn’t been using at all and about 2 years ago he got in touch with some old friends that kinda brought him back to it - but only occasionally when there was a party etc. However, now he seems to be sitting up by himself through the night on the weekends.. I am guessing he cannot cope at the moment.

I am very much aware that this is not my business, he is a grown man and responsible for his own life, but I am worried because he really doesn’t seem to be in a good place right now and I struggle to just look the other way.
I would like to hear from anyone that’s been in an ADHD overwhelm / burnout themselves or has experienced it with a close friend or partner to know how you dealt with the situation. 🙏🏽

Been getting worse and worse last few weeks. Staying up later making her tired. Even more snappy and irritable (peri-menopause not helping).

Shes got into trouble in work AGAIN arguing with people....

Even more obsessive with getting things done. No planning it pops into her head its got to be NOW.

Last night she came from work absolutely shattered, looked a mess. Shouted at me, then the kids for nothing really. Then said she was going to paint the doors in the house.

Tried to talk her out of it - nope it had to be done. I've been ill last day or two and she knows this - then said I really had to put the curtain pole up NOW. I said look I'm not feeling well today I'll do it tomorrow. Then I got the usual "don't bother I'll do it"

Got to admit I was not impressed. She does this a lot - her ADHD makes her foist tasks on me. I probably shouldnt have said to her "look this behaviour is not right" (well it isn't) do another argument.

I really don't know what to do - its getting worse and worse now. I feel like shes heading for a serious meltdown.

I just need the world to tell me to walk away. Ive been involved with my partner male46 non medicated adhd for near 3 years. Just given birth 9 weeks ago.

At first the relationship was everything I had ever asked for before the cracks started to appear. He would look through my phone behind my back and fight with me over stuff that was way before we got together. He fought with me about all my ex boyfriends. He picked fights then blamed me for fighting with him. When I reacted he acted so hurt and proceeded to punish me by leaving anywhere from a day to 2 weeks. I always had to reach out first to reconcile. He packed his bags so many times Ive lost count. He hardly spoke to me for 2 months right up to and over xmas last year while I was pregent over me asking him to leave the house after giving me a hard time about something all night long. I just got fed up. But the fact thay I asked him to leave even tho he had packed his bags so many times I was the worst person on the planet.

He proceeded to constantly get colder and colder always saying he didnt want to fight only to start a fight with me the next day. The further I got on in my pregnancy the worse it got. A week before I gave birth he ended things and left again. It was so bad I didnt want him there during the labour. He was so cold and cruel to me I just couldn't cope with him there but he forced himself to be there. Rather than cause a fight i let him.

I cried for 3 days before inwqs induced about our relationship and it being over. I felt so abandoned and let down and hurt I couldnt contain it. He ignored me. When things started happening he barely held my hand and when he did he scrolled on his phone at the same time. I begged him to be there fkr me just for the labour just till I got through it and he didnt. He couldn't. He said he was too hurt about all the fights and at least he was there.

I had an emergency c section and when things got scary I begged him to come hold my hand and he stood at the other side of the room. He fought with me in the maternity ward where the nurses heard him and called social services. Ive been keeping them at bay ever since.

When we got home he had surface level banter but was still really cold but said he wanted to work on stuff.

Then I took sick. For 3 days I got worse and worse and I was so bad the eyes were rolling in my head. He told me just to ring the doc the next day ill be fine. I had to go to hospital that night by my parents turns out I had sepsis. Even my 12 year old knew there was something wrong with me!!

We fought and fought and when I got out of hospital we fought some more and he left for a month. Ive been reaching out again. He dosnt seem interested in me at all just all about the baby but dosnt make an effort to see the baby.... now I am so cross. How or why did i let this man do this to me. I used to be so strong. I dont know whats happened.

Ive even been asking to sort the relationship out again. I dont even know why. Please help me sort my head out. This is just the most awful thing and mentally im not doing well