Something I’ve noticed is that I seem to do much better with casual relationships than when I’m genuinely interested in someone and see the potential for something serious.

When things have been predefined casual, I’m pretty relaxed. I enjoy getting to know someone, spending time together, flirting, etc. I don’t overthink their behaviour much because I’m not that emotionally invested in the outcome.

But when I actually start liking someone, it’s like a switch flips. I become much more aware of their behaviour and start overthinking little things. If their energy changes, they’re less affectionate, or I feel like the interest isn’t being reciprocated as much, I start questioning everything and wondering if they’re losing interest.

I also notice that when I’m feeling uncertain about where I stand with someone, I get the urge to pull away or end things altogether. Part of me wonders if it’s because I’d rather walk away myself than get attached and risk being rejected later.

The confusing part is that I genuinely want a connection. I want someone I can build something meaningful with, but actually being in that position seems to bring out a lot of anxiety that I don’t experience when things are casual.

I’m also trying to distinguish between my attachment issues and simply recognising when someone isn’t meeting my needs. I don’t want to dismiss legitimate concerns or convince myself that every time I feel uncomfortable, it’s just my attachment style acting up.

Has anyone else experienced this? Do you find casual relationships easier because you’re less emotionally invested, while serious dating triggers your fear of rejection or abandonment? How did you learn to navigate those feelings without either overthinking everything or shutting down and walking away?

for context, i’ve never been in a relationship, and i’ve always found it difficult to develop feelings for someone. in my entire 18 years of life, i’ve only had 2 crushes because i need to feel a genuine connection with someone to actually like them.

i think i’m both avoidant and anxious when it comes to relationships, and i’ve recently realized just how scared of commitment i actually am. i’ve found someone i have a lovely connection with, and although i’ve started developing feelings for them, i’m afraid of taking things further. i like what we have right now, and i don’t want a label, but i also know it’s selfish to want that kind of closeness without being willing to commit.

i really value the connections i have with people, and i’m a very sentimental person, so the thought of losing someone i care about genuinely hurts. yet, when it comes to the possibility of a relationship, i find myself pulling back instead of letting things happen naturally.

i genuinely want to work on this, but i don’t know where to start. how do i learn to stop being afraid of commitment and allow myself to be vulnerable with someone?

I’m talking to this really sweet lovely guy and he’s very cute and transparent plus he’s my type but my brain won’t stop panicking and i just want to run away
I keep trying to find reasons to not continue because it’s long distance or that it keeps bothering me the constant messages but that’s how a loving relationship looks like
We’re not dating yet but he said he can see the potential i just don’t understand why i can’t sit down and be loved without panicking or wanting to run away

My father is on the narcassist spectrum. He tore me down my whole life. Because of this i think I pick the wrong men when dating. Just got out of 2 bad talking stages back to back. I feel like giving up.

Is anyone else disorganized because of similar situations? I don't think I have ever found a good man. No offense to men out there. I really do not know what I'm doing wrong. How do i stop choosing the bad ones when they all pretend to be good in the beginning? Really need help

So in my first long-term relationship (8 ish years) I was very much anxiously attached in my opinion (and his opinion too). It ended about a year and a half ago.

I have tried to date here and there, but it feels absolutely impossible to let anyone get close to me now. I thought it was probably just because I wasn't ready to date yet.

But I've noticed even friends now I keep at arms length and the feeling of someone getting closer to me invokes such intense uncomfortable feelings.

It makes me start to like the person less, I feel smothered and I just want to be on my own.

I have pushed people away by being distant, I feel a lot of guilt for hurting people and now it feels safer not to get close to anyone.

I feel lonely sometimes, but it also feels somewhat selfish if I were to try to make a connection, I dont want to hurt anyone again by pushing them away. It feels like I have no control over the feeling and dont know how to not be distant when I get that feeling of overwhelm.

Im just a bit confused.

I dont recognise these feelings or my behaviours anymore after the relationship ended, and in some ways, it's a lot better. But it's also the complete opposite end of the spectrum.

How do I begin to navigate this landscape, I dont even know which direction to go in and am not sure whether maybe it is fine to just live a more isolated life? Any advice is much appreciated.

i’ve noticed that when you ask someone questions, listen to their answers, and give them a reaction, you’re constantly giving them some form of emotional feedback.

for example, they tell you something that happened to them, and you react with excitement, surprise, disappointment, curiosity, or even disagreement. basically, you make them feel like what they say has an impact on you.

could this alone be enough to make someone emotionally attached to you over time? does consistently reacting to someone’s words and actions make them crave your attention and become dependent on your responses?

i’m curious whether there’s actual psychology behind this, or if i’m overlooking other factors that play a bigger role in emotional attachment.

I have this boyfriend i met online. We live in the same country but we're from different states. We met around july 2025 and i never really had a big huge crush on him or anything, i just sort of enjoyed talking to him. eventually i think i got attached because he was really smart & had his life figured out (im guessing more than liking him i was into the security he provided). i was aware of my disorganized attachment tho so when he asked me out (october 2025) i said no and made sure to tell him everything that happens when im in a relationship (push and pull cycle, commitment issues, wandering eye, etc etc) and he said he could deal with it. i wasnt sure yet but my school counsellor asked me to give it a shot if it works and i figured it would be fine because i did want to get over the disorganized thing and i made sure to tell him everything. i did my best communicating and everything, but im a bit mentally unstable [im not diagnosed so im not sure but alot of the people (even the counsellors) around me call me mentally unstable so im just using this term. sorry if it offends anyone] our relationship started off fine. i didnt see him much anyway, but id never really feel avoidant with him. i was getting a lot better mentally & physically. i did rlly well in an exam too and life started getting better. but after may it got a bit fucked up. he couldnt make much time for me and i was a bit upset about that but not too annoying or clingy because i knew it was important (hes preparing for a really important exam) but whenever he'd talk to me he'd always "ragebait" me and genuinely make me very upset. he also did alot of things that i did not like at all and i communicated multiple times that i didnt like it & he always apologized like crazy but he never rlly changed. he'd even cry in call whenever i'd get super mad at him and i'd feel really bad but i'd always tell him that i wasnt even gonna keep any expectations for him to change because ik he wouldnt at all. i guess that made him realize i'd stay even if he didnt change. i did have a lot of faults in this relationship too. i didnt open up to him about alot of things, i often lied about things so he'd not see me as a bad person and when he'd ask me if i still had a wandering eye and stuff i'd lie and say i didnt and all those commitment issues etc were gone (i didnt want to bring any conflict because it was really uncomfortable to deal with and i felt like a really immoral person admitting all these problems) i thought it'd be fine & id just thug it out. he did stuff that made me upset (i genuinely forgot im so sorry but it was pretty bad, if i do remember i'll update) and then i just kind of started giving up on the relationship. my push and pull cycle got a lot worse, my mood swings were crazy (one minute i would beg him to love me and stuff the next i'd genuinely hate his guts like crazy, sometimes i'd just get disgusted by his existence while sometimes id really adore him) and i even stopped finding him attractive like AT ALL. i'd fantasize about dating​ other people and stuff (this doesnt mean i wanted tocheat on him, ive realized this means i just wanted an escape from the relationship) often times i even wished he'd just cheat on me with his ex and leave me alone so im not the bearer of the bad news (that i wanted to end teh relationship) i was in denial for a long time. i even isolated myself from all my friends and made no new friends bc i was afraid i'd get "influenced" by them and want to leave my bf. my sister and a few of her friends (also my 2 close friends) talked to me about it and i realized i really need to end it, but i couldnt because i was so attached so we decided to take a break. i brought it up and he was petty and inconsiderate and immature about it and i had to put an ultimatum of break up or break for him to finally accept it. but i broke the break multiple times because i felt lonely without him but everytime it went back to us being all passive aggressive and me being pissed of by him alot and him not changing so we went backto the break. in the break i realized i wanted to badly break up. i mentioned this to him and he started calling me evil and told me that i ruined his life and he'd h4rm himself and i got really scared and guilty because it's an importanf year for him this year and i had promised to stick with him this year so i felt bad but i wanted to put myself first so i told him that it was messing with my mental health but then he started calling me fake and evil and stuff and he said he hated me and stuff. then he stopped replying to me i got rlly scared so i called him and he started crying like a baby and i had to end the conversation at that. the next morning we decided to talk about it again. he couldnt understand what i was saying even tho i said it in the simplest manner ever and then eventually conversation led to him calling me evil and all that and him threatening to k1ll h1ms3lf and it messed with me a lot so i decided to take the break and keep no contact but he kept texting me and i felt so disgusted and repulsed by his texts but i also felt so bad i feel guilty and i feel like i'll ruin his future (he has an important exam that is literally worth everything it's very important and has a mental toll on a lot of people) i also have to mention that before we got into the relationship he told me that he was very mentally stable and stuff but after around 4 months of the relationship i found out he's depressed and su1c1d4l and i've been really overwhelmed by my own problems. he's anxiously attached so it's even worse.

i also hate a lot of things he does, i dislike his opinions on a lot of things & for him what is fulfilling in a relationship isnt for me at all. he keeps saying he'll change but i dont want him to change anymore, i just want to leave the relationship.

what do i even do. his exam ends next year and idk if i can handle this stupid relationship till then. should i just break up? is this my fault?

hello everyone, i just got out of work and i'm stressed about a situation that's triggering me since a long time now and idk what to do now so i post here lol.

i'm in some sort of "situationship" with a girl that started in June/july and it happened pretty fast to be honest but it was natural lol. she went to her family during summer which left us having a "virtual" relationship. she kind of ghosted me during a month cuz she had a lot going on and felt bad and we saw each other later. that was good but she's still depressed and she's kind of a busy person so we don't see each other often.

my problem here is that i don't know how to name the relationship we have, knowing that we don't really know each other and i'm afraid of getting crazy cuz i'm overthinking a lot and i'm afraid it might get worse later.

the worst is that she likes me and she shows me she likes spending time with me etc but she's depressed and she's not really trying to see me the way i'm trying to see her. i know it's not personal but it's giving me a lot of anxiety and i think of cutting her off cuz i'm afraid of being emotionally stuck in this situation.

I currently feel pretty lost and wonder if I even know who I actually am. I've been attending therapy for the past few months, group and solo sessions and am trying to concentrate on actually feeling something, recognising what it is and not intellectualising it the moment any emotions rises. This is so much more difficult than I thought, half the time I'm struggling to not lash out and tell them or my therapist that I'm already trying to explain what's going on to which he likes to reply that I'm still explaining and not feeling.

My therapist is incredibly good at catching when I'm not in touch with my emotions, some of the group members too. As it turns out, a lot of my "mask of perfection" on the outside is just a shiny facaade that hides quite well how weak and scared I feel, or unwanted and like a burden inside. I used to understand myself as someone practical, sensible and unafraid. I always thought that I was doing things the best possible way, because I did communicate a lot and tried to understand. Perhaps, as it turns out, this was me appearing like a polished statue no one could reach, too perfect to relate to or triggering people with low self-worth - which I have about a lot of things too, I'm just really good at hiding them because I never share things I'm actually struggling with, only those I already found solutions for.

But now that I'm dealing with things I realise how afraid I am of a lot of memories because they bring up feelings I don't want to feel, or how terrified I am of getting on dating apps again because I don't want to be discarded again or worse see my ex on it and then have it on paper that he never cared about me. Sometimes I even think all of that is too difficult, that I don't really need therapy and why the hell do I always need to suffer, why can't things be easy for once? In the worst part of the wave I just want to disappear and don't care about anything. And then it's over and I am able to do things I like and am happy for a while but it's never stable. It feels like chaos and emptiness are switching positions inside me in a rythm I can't keep up with. So this whole thing is exhausting me to the bones. I've never been this "unstable" in my life for this long. The only other times I felt similar but never prolonged was when I tried dating which I also avoided for most of my life (which is why it was always very short) until I forced myself to fight against whatever anxiety and fear was coming up .....which led to me meeting my ex who discarded me just like that after months of talking every day, spending weekends together. I know I just had bad luck again and there are good guys out there, but currently it feels like my entire life has been a streak of bad luck and worst of all I realise that partially, I made it that way.

So those of you who went to therapy or are going to therapy, is this a typical experience? I don't know how to judge whether therapy is working or not, right now I think I'm just too dysregulated.

So this all started earlier this week I was taking the train with my grandpa to get him to the airport, I’ve had a really heavy few months a lot of work, my health problems and attachment issues have been magnified.
But I finally felt like I’d gotten myself a bit more stable after his visit.

Short info about me
M24, disorganized attached,
Got to many MTBIs ( mild traumatic brain injuries) over my life been on sick leave for 4yrs. This destroyed me and I’ve had to build myself up with special diet, working out in specific ways and sociability from zero and back up again, and many more things a lot of people’s brains learned to do automatically that I’ve had to build up again.
Chronic headaches and neck pain.
Been feeling good enough this last year to try and find a relationship as I know if I don’t start soon my attachment issues will just get worse as the voice in my head won’t shut up, also I know how much real love and affection changes ones daily life.

DAY 1 Taking the unexpected train of hope

As me and my grandpa sit down on the train i hear 2 girls and a guy having a conversation/ discussion about religion relationships and life in general beside us, it’s a really interesting one and really got me to wanna jump in but I held myself back.

Then long story short two of them leave at one station one girl is left, I go to get to the toilet and we lock eyes for a couple seconds as I walk past. I knew then she was interested.

So i come back sit with my grandpa a bit talk to him were both tired so it fizzles out. I go to do some work on my computer but need to load it and she’s sitting at the table where you can do that so I as if I can sit and she says yes.

It takes like two minutes and we lock eyes and just start talking we have similar interests both intelectual both Christian and we really hit it off, the ride goes by so fast neither of us get anything done we’re laughing, flirting and having a great time together.

This is exactly what I’d been wishing for I get her Snapchat and she gets such a silly big smile when I ask for it.
I think jackpot maybe just maybe this could be something.

Already here I get anxious thoughts as she haven’t added me back for like 15 minutes later, the voice in my head tells me, she was just being polite did your really think a girl like that would wanna be with you but I stay strong and fight the thoughts being aware of my tendencies.
She adds me back in a little bit and me happy for now.

Then in the night she even sends “HEY you didn’t tell me it was your birthday congrats.”

(barley slept that night, my mind was filled with thoughts of her and our conversation I was thinking far ahead what I would say what I should ask the dates I wanted to take her on in the future if this just for once went through all night long)

DAY 2 Hope and Despair

I respond the next day and I get confirmed that she was completely lost in our conversation aswell and seems to be into me green flags all the way, I think this is awesome finally this could actually be something and we have a good convo.

She even said she would have called me as I was waiting for my friend to arrive at the airport after dropping off my grandpa there if it wasn’t for her helping her grandma shop.

(I keep them not that long as I now I have tendencies to come on to strong if I get excited, I should maybe even push away a bit I think.)

I don’t text her again until the evening as I was completely exhausted and needed rest.

Asking what she’s up to she responds elaborates a bit and asks about what I’m doing

(i think nice she’s open to have a conversation maybe we could call but I should probably keep it light first so I don’t come on to strong)

I respond that I’m on a long walk in the forest as my friend I’m staying at (as I live in city and hour away), have people over and are watching football too tired for that. And ask her how her studies are going.

( I wanted to build to if she wanted to take a break and talk a bit and im feeling so hopeful and good at this point.
I already have planned if things go smoothly, to ask her to take a bite with me and play some snooker while getting to know each other better later in the week)

As I walk back home I’m listening to an audiobook and music. Just waiting on that ding in my phone of her answer. Holding myself back from obsessively checking as I know it will just feed my anxiety.
I get back home and tell myself that she probably is so deep in studying she hasn’t responded im the same I want to get something done when studying then I can go on my phone.

I check snap and she’s opened it 37min ago completely ignored me. I start pacing my mind start racing telling me how could you be so stupid how could you let yourself hope again, what did I do wrong?!

Not playful enough answer, or has she come to the conclusion that she doesn’t want someone with my health issues but she knows im getting better, how could she just ignore, I spiral into self depricating, destructive thoughts, thinking how could I think something this good would happen to me. I’m already so exhausted from the day aswell as I go into my friends room and cry silent tears.

I don’t cry often but this seemed so right and I was so low in my energy it just hit me like a truck.

I cry beat myself up over it over and over, bringing up a lot of old memories and examples of why I was stupid to believe, all night until I collapse into sleep from exhaustion.

DAY 3 Dare to Hope

Wake up the next day still no response. By know my emotional regulatory numbness is back. I go to the gym talk to my close friends about it lightly. It still hurts.
Then one of them says what do you have to lose if you ask her out anyway could be a fluke but at least you’ll know for sure and it can’t get worse than it is.

I think he’s right so I do.

And she responds….

Super positively and says that would be so much fun and she can’t wait to get to know each other better, we’ll have to do it on Saturday tho as she has to focus on studying for her test on Friday.

Right then, I can’t believe it’s true I just stare at the message in wonder for a while as hope relights in me.

(I think she’s actually into me, she wants and is excited to meet and get to know me more, it’s really happening finally, I’ve got to think of some good talking points for the date and rest properly check out the places I wanna go)

We converse lightly over the day and I’m quite busy with my friends while she’s busy with studying.

DAY 4, Unexpected, Expected Final

Suspense is building inside me I have planned the place, I ask her what time she could meet me and suggest a time.
She says it depends on her mother I say okay but I need to know before the end of Friday so I can book the snooker table.

Then in the afternoon we chat a bit very low effort and frequency, good vibes and then as I answer her on the way back from my gym. I get this message as I get home…

“Hi, you seem like such a lovely person, but I have a lot going on in my life right now, so it would be very difficult to find the time to get to know each other. It’s really nothing against you—I’m just not in that place in my life right now. 🤍”

Save to say I’m dumbfounded, and the spiral begins although now my previous trauma induced emotional regulation is on has been triggered for a few days. So I can’t get any of it out no tears no feeling just existential pain.

(I think and think and think what did I do wrong did I forget something about her and ask about it again stupid stupid stupid memory problems, it was going so well, how could you be such a fool to believe something this good could happen to you.)

(hahahaha there you go for hoping for something, you know no one wants to be with you, what did you think just because you are attractive, worked on yourself and your social skills they would care, that would change anything.
This is exactly as earlier this year you knew you KNEW, how could you expect anything else, love for you cooome one be serious ?!!)

(She probably came to the right conclusion that she can find someone similar without your health issues and who isn’t on sick leave and is successfully working on their career or studying. Did you really think you were good enough to be loved and be happy by someone who isn’t family or dependent on you. )

I respond with this after like 15 minutes of inner monologue thinking at least I can leave the door open if her message is genuine and end on a good note as I fight my inner thoughts of how it’s useless to even do that, gotta act normal:

“I appreciate your honesty, even though it’s a real shame. I really enjoyed our conversation on the train—it’s not often you meet someone where things just click and flow so well. Good luck with your exam. Whenever you feel like you’re in a place where you can make the time, feel free to reach out 🤍”

I send it and go back to fighting my head and mentally abusing, degrading and reprimanding myself.
Ends with me trying to distract myself with super loud music trying to play a game on my phone and reeels.

DAY 5 Aftermath: Death of Hope

I wake up groggy I fell collapsed to sleep really late, and I’m up at 9am great! I go on with my day cook food for everybody as I said I would yesterday in completely different spirits.

Anyway I go to check my phone at 13 o clock and check my snaps I see she hasn’t opened it, I think okay she’s got exam probably that’s why.

Check again at 15 o clock and go into her snap profile, that’s when I see she’s removed me as a friend from snap as the ADDED button stares in my face.

My heart drops I didn’t even get to say my peace and she didn’t even read give me the respect of reading my answer. She didn’t even keep me in her contacts for a maybe in the future. She completely dropped me.

I’m so mad at myself at this point I don’t know what to do, I crave love affection non sexual intimacy so badly. But every time it’s going good I get hit by this truck from nowhere bulldozing me crushing my hopes which takes me months to work for them even to be allowed to come up again.

Final comment
Im doing all I can to be a better man and it still isn’t enough working myself to the point of exhaustion to try and be the man I want to be for me and hopefully my future wife.

Shit like this just throws a wrench in my inner world and feeds disorganized attachment even more, it’s like I take a few steps forward and then BLAM did you really think you were gonna get forward.

I want to be able to share that real love and romance so badly but it seems everyone is to busy for it these days what are we supposed to do.

It will never be the perfect time and just like once a week to begin with but I guess that’s too much to ask people don’t have time for romance :(

TLDR

Met a girl on the train we clicked super well, got me to get my hopes up agreed to the date was acting flirty and positive then day before the date says she is not in the right place right now to get to know someone.
Confirms my previous experiences and traumas. Which devastates me as I finally got forward and dared to hope for the better. As I’ve been working with my psychologist on my disorganized attachment and its impact on my life and relationships both friendly and romantic.

Thanks for reading I just needed to get that out to try and work through it and see it objectively in some sense, i appreciate anyone who wants to share their thoughts or anything really.

So normally I use language apps to practice a couple of languages I'm not so great at, and sometimes I suppose it is common to end up flirting a bit with ladies when it is late night you know. Anyway, I've never hurt anyone nor have been hurt by others.

Last week I ended up speaking with a lady and we flirted a bit, but it seems she took it the wrong way, and in a question of three days she became severely anxious despite the fact I had not promised anything, had no plans, etc. She even started joking about feeling jealous that I dance with other women. I tried scaling down the situation over the weekend, but this week we flirted once again a bit and this morning she was already speaking about the future.

Normally these situations intimidate me a lot, especially because of the glaring red flags. But today I tried clarifying with her that I felt we were in different pages, and that some physical attraction flirt didn't translate to me into the emotional magnitude she was projecting. I offered to be friends and perhaps meet in person come the moment (we are in different countries lol) but she started speaking about the intense feelings she had for me and that she wanted to visit me but being friends didn't work for her and that she hadn't felt like this in a long time. She offered me to go away if I didn't want a relationship and I gladly accepted. I thanked her, wished her the best and then blocked her.

This for me is sort of a win. Generally when I encounter someone that anxious I start panicking and I even end up closing my account and uninstalling the app. It feels especially good that after just a week of speaking I was able to seal what looked by all account like a toxic connection.

Hi, I've been noticing lately how I am able to feel safe towards affection that happened a long time ago but still feel very hypervigilant during affection in real time. Like for example, I can find myself thinking ab a certain moment in time where my partner showed me some form of affection and love and I'll miss that moment and almost trying to wish myself back there.. but when it's in the moment I am feeling very unregulated.. has this happened to anyone? What helped you?

I'm looking for advice since I want to try and be more grounded in the present and not live in my head. Thanks in advance

M (34). I’ve always identified as an AP because my anxiety clearly screams the loudest. Its also worth noting that I am also diagnosed with ADHD and GAD which might make my attachment more tricky.

I’ve seen many FA’s stories and how they grew up in unstable homes, but sometimes the stories are so severe that I’ve told myself that it can’t apply to me because it feels like I’ve forgotten my childhood home and what happened completely.

I grew up with a father who turned hot/cold towards my mother, he was very avoidant and generally had a paranoid view of people/the world. He lived like 10 minutes away from us and used to come and go as he wanted. He came back one day, exploded over a minor thing and I was in the room scared, just for him to leave again and come back like nothing happened and this went on for years. My parents never attacked me personally and they were loving towards me but I also remember that I never had room to talk about my feelings because we just didn’t have that culture at home.

I’ve just now noticed that shame has been steering all my relationships as an adult. My main fear is always being abandoned or rejected but I’ve noticed that I am never the one who leaves. I’ve pointed fingers at the last two girls I dated and told myself they were ”avoidants”. But then I noticed that I was the one sabotaging long before they even left me. Not to say that they didn’t have a hand in the unhealthy dynamic but I usually use very destructive ”distancing comments” sometimes out of nowhere. Can someone be an FA and still not being the one who leaves? Like hardly ever?

I don’t know if anyone else has ever felt like this, but I can have a crush on someone and everything will be fine. But as soon as I realize they actually like me, I get so uncomfortable. I feel this pressure to be perfect. There was this one guy—we see each other in class once a week. We started texting, and when we saw each other the next time, it was so awkward. I felt the natural instinct to just ignore him and run away from the feelings, but I tried to force myself to push past it. I turned to look at him and realized that he was staring at me with his mouth open/jaw dropped. He turned away immediately (and very obviously) and I didn’t get the chance to make eye contact or speak. But the way he was looking at me…I felt so unsettled because it looked like pure awe. I’m not used to people actually liking me, and I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’ve been conditioned to believe that once people see the real me, they won’t like me anymore. It’s been like that my entire life (with friends, guys, etc.) It REALLY hurts. I’ve never had a boyfriend (by both choice and circumstances), and I feel so afraid of love. I’m not sure that I like him because we don’t see each other often, but we do have good conversations over text every so often. I feel like there is something there, but I can’t identify it; the last time we saw each other, I feel like there was so much tension in the air, because maybe he was afraid to say how he felt, and maybe I was afraid to feel. I feel like realizing that he likes me has started to stunt the relationship on my end. I don’t want to rush into anything. But one thing that I am deathly afraid of is the spotlight. I don’t like being seen or viewed because I feel so imperfect and prone to letting people down. So I’m afraid of being loved; and I’m afraid of falling in love. I still can’t get the way that he was looking at me out of my head. I’ve never seen that before.

How do I tell my crush that I need a bit more interaction to not feel irrelevant. I like little things like “hey I’m thinking about you” and check ins and seeking out my attention to hang out with . This makes me feel desired and appreciated and secure.

I find it really hard to feel secure in potential romantic connections that don’t have that going on. And I don’t know how to advocate that when person isn’t even my partner yet.

I just don’t want to push them away and feel pressured. But I also feel unlovable because I have a lot of baggage and I need these accommodations to feel safe in connection. It makes me feel like I’m hard to want.

Partner blocked me because I was in avoident phase now I am panicking because I don't want to be alone,I just not wanted to get close.

I don't know what I actually want anymore 🤯

So I have speaking to someone and out of the blue he ghosted and pulled back and its left me spiraling a little. Once I got some balance back and tried to understand him I looked into avoidant attachment styles and did a quiz and found out in fact, I have this attachment style and it all rings true.

As soon as things get heavy or emotionally close I literally panic. I freeze or disassociate from the person, thing, environment I am in and even avoid facing life changing problems. It was esp triggered when my mother and I started living together 4 years ago and it was like a part of me I had cultivated independently away from family disappeared and I found myself shutting down, esp, emotionally.

My relationships have followed a pattern of intense starts, very confusing endings and one occasion found myself at the other end of an narcissists web of deciet, gaslighting and terror. Haha

I have trouble fully letting people go even when I realise they are not good for me but equally can be very very boundaried around my time and energy and will almost never proactively pursue friendship and leave that chasing / running dynamic to the other person. I am both simultaneosly afraid of real commitment and crave it at the same to a point it hurts. The times I became more of a chaser it was always with men with strong avoidant tendencies that could not and would not offer me commitment and love. Like I am glutton for pain or something.

Whats wrong with me and am I fixable??? 😭

For me, I’m very avoidant until I’m not. At which point, I become veryyy anxious. I feel like I’m avoidant because I know the softer side of me falls quickly for someone, and I feel out of control and anxious when that happens, so I try to avoid it.

This means that I find it very difficult to actually get into something in the first place, and people often say I’m hard to read or they don’t get much from me / don’t know how I feel. But then suddenly, as soon as I’ve decided I like them and want to see how it goes, I drop the wall and immediately become super anxious as a result.

I’ve tried loads of different things to work on myself, and despite feeling pretty secure in most areas now, it keeps coming back to bite me. I’m worried that when I do get into a relationship, I’ll pass that point of no return where I get super anxious about everything, and then if they’re mistreating me I don’t trust myself to leave. (I stayed with my ex for a year after I knew he wasn’t right for me / was treating me badly, so I’ve definitely got baggage from that - despite it being 6 years since that ended).

It seems like navigating a relationship is what triggers it. I can do all the healing I can do on my own, but actually being in the dynamic brings up situations I couldn’t anticipate, or brings up things I didn’t even know needed healing. So what actually is the advice for this? Do I try to stay on top of it and learn as I go, or do I need to be single while I try to figure out my triggers?

It just seems unlikely that I’d be able to fully heal while being single, since I won’t really know what little things might set me off until the situation arises.

I hope this made sense its like 2am and I’m about to sleep😭

I’ve just discovered the different attachment styles and I made the quizz that told me that I am FA style. My mother was covert narcissistic and my father an enabler. I would like to know if many people here with FA style have that kind of parent?

How do you stop being avoidant when you’re terrified of being vulnerable? And should I reach out?
i’m dismissive avoidant and i’ve always had a habit of distancing myself from people whenever things start getting serious. i’d ignore people even when i cared about them, simply because admitting my feelings felt too uncomfortable. i’ve been trying to work on this for a long time, but now i feel like i’m experiencing the other side of my own behavior.
there’s this person i used to talk to every single day, and suddenly they started ignoring me out of nowhere. i genuinely miss talking to them, but i can’t bring myself to reach out because the thought of admitting that i care makes me feel so vulnerable. so instead, i just stay silent and think about it constantly.
the irony is that i’m doing exactly what i’ve been trying to heal from. i’m starting to understand how the people i ignored might have felt, and it honestly sucks. i don’t want to keep losing people because i’m afraid of expressing my feelings, but even when i know what i should do, i just freeze.

for people who have been through something similar, how do you actually fix this? how do you learn to communicate your feelings without feeling like you’re exposing too much of yourself or giving someone the power to hurt you?
and specifically, should i reach out to this person and tell them i miss talking to them, even though they’re the one who suddenly stopped communicating? how do i do that without feeling like i’m embarrassing myself or putting myself in a position where i care more than they do? i genuinely don’t know whether reaching out would help me break this pattern or not

update: i finally grabbed the balls and contacted that person and he seems to not answering me (well at least he was online after that) will keep up updated tho :( we actually online buddies and were planning to meet in a week or so, so i’m really upset now and confused MOSTLY because it’s my first time being ever ignored ..

Ive had a crush on this guy it is mutual. But we went on two dates and the first went really well but by the second I started feeling myself shut off . I stopped feeling the love and started stressing. I stress really bad all the time and cannot turn it off, my nervous system is completely fizzed out and has been for a while. I knew I loved him deeply for a few weeks but now that I have him I can't help but pull away. I'm not entirely sure if it's disorganized attachment or what. I don't know why I am like this. I've communicated all of this with him but now I am unsure if I should end things.

Its hard because i like affection but i dont know how to recieve it. And i dont know if someone likes me if they arent forward about their feelings. But if they are just affectionate in my direction, Its like i freeze and im internally like "what do you want from me!" Like i want the affection to mean something romantic but i dont want it to go away the second i express that i like it. I just want the fact that i like it to be enough. But i fall apart like a puddle of nothing if even attention is thrown my way from someone i'm crushing on. Like i want the option to be there while i figure out what my feelings mean but i also want to be told what they mean. Like flirting i guess... Its a real issue and i dont know how to move past it.

Any advice would be so lovely.

I have this very good friend that I truly love very much but almost every time we talk I get completely triggered.
I just... I don't know, she pisses me off because it seems like everyone loves her. it's so easy for her to find friends and romantic partners, yet she still complains about not being loved. dont piss me off!!!
i feel so terribly jealous of her, so when we talk I just end up feeling so worthless compared to her. And then I just start to feel like I despise her, truly hate her and never want to speak to her again.
But that is nonsense.
I feel like a bitch because I should be happy she's loved. I mean I guess I am? I just feel bitter because I feel so truly fucking unlovable and then I start to feel like she must hate me as well.
I'm so terribly tired of these patterns.
I don't hate her, yet I feel so fucking angry at her even though she did nothing at all.
I feel so ashamed right now .. for what? I don't know. Just for being me, I guess.
I would like to cut her off just because I'm so embarrassed that she knows what a pathetic little loser I am.
She says she loves me but I cant believe it.
Sometimes I can.
I'm so fucking annoyed that my head does these 180° turns and suddenly I feel completely different and horrible even though NOTHING HAPPENED.

I think this text reads like I am a very toxic person but I swear I'm not. I used to be but because I'm aware of the patterns now and that my feelings arent real ... well, this doesnt sound right, I guess they are real? but also not really. they feel real but it's not true because I do love her completely. anyway, because I'm aware of it I try to communicate it fairly well. Most of the time I just vanish because it keeps my relationships safe from damage. If I do let these thoughts and feelings out, then I would be a very toxic relationship partner :(
It's a very strong push-pull dynamic but I asked her before if she thinks my behaviour towards her is consistent and she said yes. I think I hide all these conflicting feelings very well.

I just... I feel so sad right now.
It will pass, it always does. But these ups and downs are so tiring. I don't want to feel like this anymore.

Hi there,

Ive been reflecting lately and I always considered myself an anxiously attached person. But after back to back relationships I'm reflecting on that notion. My last relationship was with a heavily avoidant FA. She did all the typical things such as not communicate or identify needs, manipulation to avoid accountability, constantly needing to be in control ect which made me extremely anxious. I felt like i was patient. I read 5-6 books on attachment theory, and watched hundred of hours of YouTube and constantly tried to be the healthy redirective partner until one day after having a lot of other life stresses a social interaction caused me to explode on her and our relationship was never the same. I definitely felt like if I wasn't perfect, the relationship would fail and eventually I raised my voice one time and she deactivated and sent me a text breakup after failing to show up to meet and talk 5 times.

But my relationship before that was 2 years and was extremely healthy for 1 year but when we moved in together I did a lot of typical avoidant behaviors. She constantly accused me of being avoidant and I told her that I was actually anxious but shes more anxious than me which makes me feel avoidant. For once I couldnt articulate my feelings which is a skill Im very good at but always intellectualizing over feeling, I was tempted to cheat and constantly battled with myself over it(I never did) and I basically played video games or read nonstop and tried to stay away from my partner as much as possible while still convincing myself that one day she'd grow up and we could be healthy. In that relationship her mother died 3 months in and so I did everything to support her going well above and beyond what a typical partner would do but after 12-16 months all her constantly crying, moping, and defeatist attitude regarding life really pushed me away further and further. She was extremely anxious.

But then I stop and consider that I have often dealt with dissasociation as a primary coping skill for a good amount of my life, and Ive had plenty of anxious friends where I just felt suffocated, and I found myself generally pushed away by anxious people despite dealing with a fair amount of anxiety myself. which makes me revisit that relationship a lot in the wake of a relationship where the shoe was on the other foot and my basic needs weren't being met. I dont know, I feel relatively secure in my attachment nowadays, Ive been in therapy for years, read hundreds of books and after my last relationship I really honed in on my skills, I certainly have some anxious protest behaviors and tendancies around avoidant partners such as hypervigalence, or probably light passive aggressive behavior but nothing I would consider out of normal expected slip ups from a human navigating life. Im assertive with my needs, I address them in the best ways I can and Im always learning how to communicate better But the few times ive dated people more avoidant than me I found it miserable but I couldnt walk away. Ive always considered that relationship as me being avoidant due to her constant anxiety, but then again maybe its just me.

Ive always relentlessly pursued personal growth and Ive very much questioned why I seem to find either both and anxious or avoidant partners so appealing and I think maybe its just that I myself am and FA with just a tendency to be more anxious than avoidant

Thoughts?