Mom says “Er, I think you mean a SUBSTITUTE teacher?”

Little Johnny says “a what?”

Mom says, “You know…a sub?”

Little Johnny says, “A sub? No way, mom. She always makes ME wear the ball gag!”

A highway patrolman stops a woman and asks, "Do you know why I stopped you?"

She replies, "I dunno. Are you gonna give me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball?"

The highway patrolman replies, "Highway patrolmen don't have balls..." Realizing what he said, his face turns red; he slams his clipboard shut, returns to his cruiser, and says, "Drive safely, ma'am."

Nothing, they're both stuck-up cunts!

A great time ruined by a period

Her band is now called “Pole”

The boss asks, “What's your best quality?”
She says, “I'm very good with my hands.”
He asks, “And your worst quality?”
She says, “I talk too much.”
He says, “Well, that's not so bad.”
She replies, “Oh, thank fuck. I thought you'd ask me to demonstrate the first one.”😭

🍻
Three guys die and arrive at the gates of heaven.
St. Peter says, “We have one rule up here. You may have anything you want, but you must never step on a duck.”
The gates open. Heaven is full of ducks. Everywhere. Ducks in the streets, ducks in the gardens, ducks in the clouds.
The first guy lasts about ten minutes before stepping on one.
POOF! St. Peter appears, chains him to the ugliest woman imaginable, and says, “Your punishment for eternity.”
The second guy lasts a month. Then he steps on a duck.
POOF! Same thing. Chained to an equally unfortunate woman.
The third guy is careful for years. Never steps on a duck. Never even comes close.
One day, St. Peter appears with a gorgeous woman on his arm, chains her to the guy, and walks away.
The guy looks at her and says, “Wow. I must have done something really good to deserve you!”
The woman sighs and says:
“I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck.”

If you got a problem with that go to a different taco bell

Because they are full of shit.

Every day it's "top of the morning"

All you have to do is show up and urine

I think it's really hot and it makes me wet

One day he gets desperate enough to approach another resident and asks her "would you care to come to my room later and hold my pecker for a little while? We don't have to do anything else."

The nice old lady agrees and for weeks they would meet in his room after dinner and she would just hold his pecker for a while and nothing else.

Until one day she walks into his room and finds him with another woman who is standing there holding his pecker. She gets upset and yells "what does she have that I don't have? "

The old man looks at her and replies "Parkinson's"

so, Finally a prostitute agreed to do requested kinky stuff,

went to her place and it was best fucking hour.

But she didn't wake up after the act.

...............

And i thought she was playing dead

I wouldn't pay $500 to have a lentil on me.

The next hour is free 😬

You can’t take a joke….

Johnson & Johnson

You get your palms red (read)

A man is walking to his bedroom one night when he hears his young daughter whispering a prayer from her room.

“God, please protect Mommy, Daddy, my sister, and me.”

He pauses. That’s strange, he thinks. Her aunt lives with us too. Why didn’t she mention her?
The next morning, they find the aunt dead. She’d suffered a heart attack during the night.

A few months go by.
One night, he passes his daughter’s room and hears her praying again.

“God, please protect Mommy, Daddy, and me.”

He freezes.
The next morning, his other daughter is found dead.
Now he’s seriously disturbed.
Several months later, he hears another prayer.

“God, please protect Mommy and me.”

His blood runs cold.
He spends the entire night awake, convinced he’s going to die. Every little pain makes him panic. Every strange heartbeat feels like the end.

Eventually, morning comes.

He’s alive.
He feels completely normal.
Relieved, he walks into the kitchen and finds his wife sitting at the table, pale as a ghost.

“What’s wrong?” he asks.
She looks up at him.
“Our neighbor Barry died last night.”

And he saw the peaches were on sale for $5. When he got there he asked why they cost so much and the peach salesman said "they taste like hame and cheese". The man took a bite and said it taste like cheese. The salesman said turn it around. The man took a bite and said "it taste like ham, I'll buy 5."

He continued his trip back home and saw the peaches were on sale for $10. When he arrived he asked he they cost so much. The peach salesman said that they taste like peanut butter and jelly. The man took a bite and it tasted like peanut butter. The salesman said turn it around. He bit the other side and it tasted like jelly. So he bought 10 of them.

He continued his trip and saw peaches on sale for $25. When he arrived he asked why they cost so much. The salesman said "my peaches taste like pussy." The man bit into the peach and said "it taste like shit". The salesman said "turn it around."