(F,22)meal: orange in the shower

The past 2 years have been really hard. I’ve been dealing with a lawsuit from a previous workplace that has been going on for almost 2 years. It involved sexual harassment/, abuse of power, assault, guns, and violence towards me. I can’t say much about it because of the situation, and the trial is soon and im so scared to relive all of it, but it completely changed the way I look at work and made finding another job really difficult.

Then last December, I finally got my dream job. I literally moved away from my hometown for this opportunity. I was so excited to finally feel like things were turning around. It was in SPAM (social media, PR, advertising,marketing) Then in April, my entire team was laid off and replaced with AI. Ugh it made me so furious that I had went to college just to be replaced with AI.

I kept trying. Eventually I found a floral job, which was something I was genuinely excited about because I love creative work and thought maybe this could finally be my fresh start. only about a month into the job, I found out I was pregnant for the first time.

I was terrified to tell them because I had already experienced losing jobs and I desperately needed this one I wanted to prove that I could work and didn’t want anyone looking at me differently because I was pregnant.

But physically, I was struggling so badly. I was exhausted all the time, having horrible headaches, cramping, morning sickness nausea, getting lightheaded and overheated, and struggling with the physical parts of the job. I was working outside in the heat, lifting heavy things, setting up large installations, handling flowers and dirty water, and sometimes working overtime.

and I still showed up!!

There were days I felt awful and pushed myself through because I didn’t want to be seen as unreliable. My coworkers could tell I wasn’t feeling well and would help me when they could.

Eventually I got so sick on 9/3 that I had to see a doctor. I gave my employer my doctor’s documentation and was told to take a week off to recover. I even verbally told my supervisor that I was pregnant and would like a lighter workload and she told me she understood. I genuinely thought that maybe they would understand and that I could come back and continue working.

When I came back on 9/9, I was terminated by the owner for “work performance and leaving early”.

What hurts is that I had actually been willing to keep working. I had even been offered the possibility of moving into a lighter administrative/sales position because they knew I was struggling with the physical workload. I thought maybe I could still contribute and prove myself. I do still have all my documentation and doctor’s notes with dates. I definitely told them I was pregnant before I was fired and the dates and documentation to prove it.

on top of losing my job, I lost my pregnancy.

I went from being terrified and confused about becoming a first time mom, to dealing with losing my job, losing my income, and then losing my pregnancy. Now im on the phone with EDD (unemployment) because I lost my eligibility to my claim because I was “unable to work” I was pregnant. I was able to work I just needed a lighter workload. the government doesn’t care that I was wrongfully terminated.
I really don’t want to max out my credit cards. So now I really don’t any have money to afford my rent, bills, or groceries. I’ve amounted to nothing. I’ve always been good with money where tf did it go? I’ve resorted to selling all my belongings. I’m genuinely on survival mode.

All of this happened so quickly that I don’t even feel like I’ve had time to process any of it i don’t even know if this is worth anything, although I did in fact report it to the labor board of California for wrongful termination.

AND TO MAKE THINGS WORSE 10/11 I GOT TBONED BECAUSE OF THE HEAVY RAIN!! THIS CAR ACCIDENT HAPPENED A WEEK AGO AND THE CAR IS TOTALED… I got out of the ER at 7am the next day. every time i finally start getting back on my feet, something happens and knocks me right back down.

Im constantly living in anxiety because this pattern of unfortunate things keep knocking me down. I’m scared to look for another job now. im scared to get excited about something again. I’m scared to trust another workplace. I’m exhausted from constantly having to start over and prove myself. I’m stressed because I have no money or car or job. It feels like I have no worth. I feel like a failure :(

And honestly, I’m not okay right now. I’ve isolated myself from everybody. I can’t sleep at night. I’m smoking ganja, and it does help with the pain a lot, but it costs money which I don’t have lol, im attending therapy I was on Prozac for a bit, but the emotional blunting and numbness was awful. ive tried SH and it makes things worse too. I’m constantly more and more angry/frustrated/irritable and so so sad. I feel so emo. A couple weeks ago i shared with my legal team that I’ve been so depressed and overwhelmed that I’ve had thoughts of su**de. Which led to them calling my emergency contacts. It felt shitty for my loved ones to know that I want to give up. I feel like an inconvenience and a burden.
I just desperately want all of this pain and constant uncertainty to stop. I used to be so full of life and joy I don’t recognize myself anymore.

I don’t really need anyone to fix it all for me. I think I just needed somewhere anonymous to finally say that I’m struggling. Today I’m really struggling. I’ve walked to the top of a parking garage and I’m just contemplating giving up.

I’m trying really hard to keep going.
One day life will give me peace.

all im asking is that in your heart as a reader please manifest a better outcome for me :,)

Heart burn

Time, and distance, and therapy, and meds, and going outside, and exercise, and trying to make friends, and going on dates, and travel, and changing jobs....

None of it means anything to me.

Two years ago my world ended, but I just kept being alive.

Coworker made some fire nachos though.

If you bring your own bottle you can steal a fountain drink with the bottle of orange juice for no extra charge, I got a Dr Pepper since Taco Bell doesn’t carry diet coke products because it was purchased by PepsiCo in the 1970s to compete with Coca Colas control of most fast food chains of the time. I hate it here.

I’m a chronically ill freelance artist but due to recent financial stress I need to look for stable income and im terrified im going to puke or shit myself at my next job since not even working from home ever saved me from that lol. I left retail work because I couldn’t handle the lack of predictability of my stupid body. I’m dreading going back but my husband’s EI from a recent layoff is running out and I hate depending on him. He’s exhausted too, but overqualified for most of the jobs that are actually hiring.

I wish the job market was better and I wish there were more opportunities for chronically ill peeps.

I am working a million hours a week just to survive. Seems like everyone else my age has grown up years ago but I feel like a second grader in a 30 something year old body. My husband I just survive entertained by the same dumb stuff we've always liked.

How did things go so wrong in just a couple of months? I was so full of hopes and dreams before, now everything including me is broken.

University is awful and I hate it. Autism and OCD is truly a horrid combination in a academic environment. It’s so difficult compared to high school and everything moves by so quickly. The studying feels never ending and there’s a pit in my stomach when I think about exams. I realized I don’t even like my major as much as I thought I would. So I’m quitting and now I have no idea what I even want to do with my life. I’m not good with stress or mostly anything because I waste my damn time with art and writing that I’m not even that good at.

I couldn’t manage to make any friends. Instead of feeling like an alien I feel painfully human surrounded by beings better than me. Most of all I just miss my cat I’m never going to see again. Fuck.

I know twenty is young but I can’t help how hopeless everything feels right now. I know people older than me probably think I sound ridiculous and maybe I do but I can’t help it.

we’re all 25ish and F. one friend is married, one is planning her wedding, and two just got engaged.

i feel like a shit person for not being as happy for them as i could be, but it’s just another reminder of how far behind i am.

i’ve dated before, but it always felt like an obligation, like something i had to do on a certain time table or the rest of the world would judge me. i never enjoyed it very much and i was usually the one to break it off. i don’t think i’m very emotionally open. (no kidding.)

i don’t even know if i want to be in a relationship or just stop looking like the odd one out for not being in one. either way, it sucks.

grilled cheese, tomato soup, crystal light.

I'm too emotionally and financially dependent on my parents and siblings. My mom and dad are considering moving away to a different town now that me and my siblings are grown up, leaving us here alone. I think they can handle it, but i dont know if I can. I feel like a child all the time. I have the default limit on my debit card ($100 a day) and dont have a credit card at all.

My mom (only saying mom bc i dont wanna say her actual name) has a habit of leaving doors open and letting our dogs escape and this morning my dads dogs somehow got out this morning even though the front door was locked and the back door isnt even able to open, there is other ways to get in the house but when they got out I was asleep and my sister was at work so the only way they could have gotten out was my mom which is a big problem because she doesn't live here and isnt allowed in the house at all and we even have signs on our doors telling her not to come in or the cops will be called. I ended up texting and getting ac call from my grandma about it and i went onto the porch to talk to her but ig my mom heard me because she came up to the porch yelling at me telling me i need to responsibility for my dogs and how im almost 18 i need to be an adult and help her clean up the yard and im just standing there like dude wtf?? I said this in my last post but my dad and little siblings have been gone for like a month now im home alone by myself 90% of the time unless my older sisters home and i dont go outside bc my mom lets her weird druggy friends camp in our yard and ive been told not to go near them or talk to my mom. but my mom was yelling at me and at some point i yelled at her that shes not my mom and i guess when my older sister heard her say i was almost 18 and all that stuff she got really mad like really really mad and even though she was about to go to sleep she started screaming at her like go up out of her room and started screaming yelling telling her she cant speak to me that way and that ive been doing what i can and she basically chased her away from the porch and away from me lol. Im happy my sister was there but im just so tired of this shit

TLDR my mom let my dads dogs out and tried to pick a fight with me over it but my older sister chased her away

microwave bolognese rigatoni(hostel doesn't have a stove), chips ahoy, agua

it’s just one of those nights where I feel like I am the problem. I’m actually kind of annoying at this point all I post about on here is how depressed and alone I am. I just honestly don’t have anyone to really share these thoughts. I’ve struggled with these feelings since I was I was a teenager and now that I’ve turned 23, I’ve come to the realization this is how pathetic I really am. No one likes me because I’m pathetic. I never stand up for myself and hesitate at any chance at making a friend or connection out of fear of getting hurt. But at the end of the day, I’m the only one hurting myself by limiting everything I do. I’m filled with envy at people my age experiencing the things I dream of. Experiencing “girlhood”, or just experiencing the things I wanted to as a young adult. The people I used to be friends with are having all that. While my weekends would be me rotting alone if it weren’t for my boyfriend being my only friend. I’m grateful I have him. But I crave sisterhood/girlhood so badly. I long for friendships. I feel pathetic and like a waste of space. These are all such stupid thoughts but tonight I am alone with these thoughts and I want it to end. Why am I so unlikable? I want to change everything about myself so that someone out there will be my friend. I know I can enjoy my own company and do things alone. I know I don’t always have to do things with other people or friends. But I’ve done things alone for so damn long already. Im tired. I’m sad. I honestly just long for the day I see my dogs again on the other side. I miss my dogs. I’m filled with so much sadness. I pray that one day my brain can wake up and be 100% happy. All of this is rambling sorry

Warm my cold heart

been unemployed since march and it's been so defeating being rejected from interviews ;-;

the same tea I drink every day except this one is a fancy more expensive version I got from a local small business blah blah and bagel and halloween sugar cookie.

made a post about psychiatrist apointment and stuff a while ago I think. idk I have a bad memory. anyways it happend and it was exceedingly unpleasant and I had to re-live a traumatic experience but I did leave with a prescription so maybe it was not in vain. idk. i feel like I did a very bad job at explaining things.

I am sort of scared of this but also I guess nothing else ive tried has worked. and therapists keep kicking me out for being too mentally ill for them. so.

the only thing im noticing so far is I am really sleepy and I don't have much of an appetite anymore. I hope it doesn't get rid of like all the voices I hear, most of them are very kind to me. I hope I gain weight. & and I feel maybe a tad emotionally flat but I think thats just me being tired. maybe. either way I don't mind that cause I'm kind of a Vulcan about things, emotions are uncomfortable for me.

plus apple soda, idk bro my dad been talking about moving away to Cali for like 1-2 years now (idk WHY he's dead set on Cali we live in fucking Georgia my family is here) and he said he had like three job offers from people apparently reaching out specifically to him and that he was accepted and would have an actual job and blah blah blah whatever my grandparents finally loaned him the money to go to Cali and now he's been gone like a month and basically been completely MIA and hasn't gotten any of those jobs or even a temp place to live and wont say anything. MEANWHILE I'm home alone by myself 90% of the time being the only one dealing with our animals while my little siblings are saying at grandmas. i never wanted to move, we have no good reason to move, and this is all stressing me out so bad i relapsed so yea great i really love my dad right now :/