r/crownedstag • u/T3rkisTent • 4h ago
Lore [Lore] Ashara VIII. Nay-nay
12th month 302 AC, Storm's End
Ashara sat upon the massive grey stone floor, yet she did not feel the cold. Or rather, she did feel it. But only as a numbness in her limbs. The sensation of cold itself had long since faded.
A summer's night in the stormlands was nothing like one in Dorne. One did not hear the countless armies of crickets and dragonflies and other insects. Somehow, the humming in the air was missing, that constant, faint vibration born of the heat. Even the smell was different.
Yet the air was warm all the same. And the wind was softer, even when it raged. It almost seemed as though the air itself had no wish to disturb the beauty of summer too greatly. To shake the heads of the flowers too harshly.
Tonight was such a night.
The wind sang as it swept past the ancient walls, but its song sounded lovely against the dull heartbeat of Storm's End. And it made her breathe warmly, though her body had grown cold.
Ashara did not know how long she had been sitting there with her face turned towards the heavens. Nor did she care.
For the sky was full of stars.
And she was introducing them to a new member. Or rather, introducing one of them to the new member.
"Don't tell your papa we've been awake for so long, all right?" Ashara whispered in a hoarse voice, scarcely audible, lowering her gaze towards her lap.
There lay a little bundle.
Dressed in a linen shift, wrapped in a cotton blanket, and nestled within the folds of her mother's gown, there rested Ashara's heart... Another piece of it. With raven-black curls and violet eyes.
"He would only wonder why we didn't wake him," she whispered even more softly.
She lifted a finger to stroke the roots of one little curl, but thought better of it and withdrew her hand, holding her finger before her lips and then beneath her nose.
It was always a curious thing, becoming acquainted with a new part of oneself. Especially when that part lay before you with such beautiful eyes.
"How can all of you be so... pretty?" she murmured down at the tiny creature.
Cortnay. Her daughter. The newest... and smallest member of House Baratheon.
"Your eyes look like purple iris," she told the little droplet before her. "My aunt would have planted one for you in a little flowerbed of your very own."
Her hand slowly returned to the cocoon of cloth, stroking gently back and forth as her weary smile faded. It was always sad to remember all the things those who had already passed away had missed, and all the things they would yet miss.
Ashara leaned back again, a little more heavily this time, and felt the dull pressure of the wall against her back and head.
She looked upwards once more, her eyes travelling from left to right, her mouth slightly parted as she marvelled at the lights glowing high above.
Ashara knew that people looked to the heavens in search of answers. Or to ask for strength. Or to beg for mercy. She liked to leave little letters there, in the form of conversations with herself. Sometimes more often, sometimes less. But sooner or later, always after someone had departed this world or entered it.
There was nothing ritualistic about it. No foolish superstition, nor some desperate fancy of the mind. Only something innocent and comforting... and eternal.
The same sky that she and Arthur had gazed upon thirty years ago was still there... And surely that was something beautiful. Something she could still share.
"You have..." she began again, shifting her position slightly against the wall. "A very large family."
Her hands continued their ceaseless caresses over the fabric, whilst the tiny eyelids covered the even tinier eyes more often than they revealed them.
But that was quite all right. Ashara would be delighted if Cortnay fell asleep in her arms... One more reason to remain outside a little longer rather than go back in. To remain numb.
"You have nine aunts and uncles, and a..." She stopped herself with a dry little laugh. "A frighteningly fast-growing number of cousins-"
Cortnay stirred ever so slightly within her mountains of cloth, and Ashara's voice trailed away.
"Some are funny and playful, like Eshar and Davos."
For a moment, Ashara glanced down at Cortnay, as though she needed to make certain that the babe understood her.
"They are your uncle Symon's sons."
She looked upwards again, whilst her other hand slipped behind the fabric where Cortnay's little head rested, gently rubbing it. Though she suspected Cortnay could scarcely feel much of it. Ashara did not quite dare touch her more directly. She could not explain why... She simply seemed too precious for her fingers.
"And others are very gentle and shy little thinkers and tinkerers, like Vorian," she whispered down to her, smiling faintly. "Your uncle Gerold's son."
Her fingernail traced the fine fabric of the uppermost blanket, embroidered with even finer little whirlwinds.
"But there are sooooo many more," she breathed, almost proudly. "And every one of them will look after you."
A lump formed in Ashara's throat, one she could not quite account for.
"Even our loved ones that are not here anymore," she murmured, overcome with tenderness, and looked upwards again. "There is an entire army watching over us."
The corner of her mouth twitched faintly, though her eyes grew unspeakably sad.
"Sometimes I wonder..." she began, even more quietly now. Only for herself.
"Whether you grow cross up there-"
Ashara stretched her neck back, gazing over the different shapes that formed upon the black canopy of the heavens, searching for the brightest stars.
"At every little face down here that you never had the chance to meet, Artie."
The words emerged as little more than dry, broken sounds. Her voice was failing her. There was a sorrow lodged within her unlike anything Ashara had ever felt before, and it left her utterly unbalanced.
"But don't you fret, brother," she tried again, somewhat louder, sniffling as the stars began to blur beneath the tears gathering in her eyes.
Her brows drew together, her lips twisted, and Ashara lowered her gaze towards the little face once more. She watched a tear fall upon the pristine cocoon of cloth. Then another upon Cortnay's tiny face.
Ashara hurriedly rubbed at her eyes, almost frantically, but it did nothing to stop the tears from falling.
"It was... the last time," she finally breathed.
She could hear the trembling in her own voice. And feel it in her lips.
The thought of losing her in childbed, during the birth of one of their children, had always frightened Bryce to death. And during her last confinement, when the twins had been born, they had... nearly lost Arthur.
Ever since, the wish for more children had gone hand in hand with an inescapable fear. That she might lose her child. Or that her family might lose her... A cruel and terrifying reality that one could only truly understand after having lived through it.
And Ysa, thank the gods, had understood. She had taken Ashara's fears seriously and helped her through them. And Bryce, of course, had done everything imaginable to support her.
Yet it had been plain to see that throughout her last pregnancy, he had struggled with far more worry than joy.
"Your mama..." she began again, sniffling as tears streamed down her cheeks. "Has grown too old now."
As a child, Ashara had found the very thought of growing old repulsive. As a young woman, it had frightened her. When one's parents were dead, one's brother fallen, one's dearest friend fleeing for her life, one's own house ruled by a hated sister, and one's own child seemingly beyond reach, youth was the only thing that promised there was still... time. It had given her hope that there might yet be... chances. To... stitch everything back together...
One had almost felt immortal throughout those years in which one scarcely noticed the little lines of laughter growing deeper upon one's face.
And then she had met Bryce...
And although she still wished for an eternity of time, time itself could not be stopped for anything in the world. Indeed, it seemed to race away.
She had slowly come to understand that time flew when one was enjoying one's life. And that was precisely what made it so precious.
She did not wish to gamble away the time she had left...
Ashara wanted to spend it with her family.
Even if she could have borne Bryce a dozen children, she knew what an immeasurable blessing she already possessed. Her five beloved little ones. Her sandstorms.
It was simply a strange realisation to endure, that time was taking something away from her... once again.
"I was so scared about you..."
Ashara's fingers crept across the cloth towards her child's little face, brushing over the soft cheek as lightly as a breath.
What she had not dared do before now seemed almost something she had to do. As though she needed to test whether this miracle was truly real.
"I always swore to myself that I would never become like Mother," she crooned.
And although she was looking at Cortnay as she spoke, her words were perhaps meant more for her brother. Whether he was watching from above or not.
"And this way..."
Ashara had to sniffle again, wiping her eyes almost frustratedly dry with her sleeve.
"I hope, at least, that I can be there for all of you for as long-"
Her mouth twisted painfully, and the tears continued to flow without end.
"-as you need me."
Meanwhile, Cortnay's eyes shone up at her in complete innocence, as though she were trying to puzzle out what peculiar sounds her mother was making.
"I shall try to make it to a hundred and twenty," Ashara added sarcastically, managing a dry little smile. But it soon faded again.
Once more, one finger stroked the little girl's skin. Over one of the tiny beauty marks beneath her eye.
"Do me a favour and try not to grow up too quickly. Your siblings weren't that kind," she sniffled, narrowing her eyes painfully. "All right, Nay-nay?"
Merely speaking her daughter's little nickname sent a rush of joy through her body, pumping from her heart into every last part of her.
Bryce and she had never necessarily followed any particular system when naming their children.
Myriah's name was Dornish. Melony, Arthur, and Cortnay had been named for loved ones they had lost. And Clementine was a more unusual name, though one Ashara loved dearly, neither traditionally Dornish nor particularly common in the stormlands.
Yet all of them had their Rhoynish names.
Names she had first devised almost as a thoughtless little amusement, out of sheer freedom and fancy, but which suited them as naturally as heat and a peal of thunder.
And if one shortened Cortnay to nay, it meant... droplet.
Like the little marks upon her face. Or the tears her mama had just wept upon her. Or the fact that she would forever be the smallest storm.
Nay-nay was Ashara's last drop.